The term boarding school survivors was first coined through the work of the psychotherapist Nick Duffell. In the therapeutic work that he was doing with ex-boarders from the early 1990s he found that there were common traits that these clients were presenting and so those who have “survived” boarding school became the boarding school survivors. Joy Schaverien, expanded on this work in her book, Boarding School Syndrome where she talks in more depth about the trauma of the 'privileged' child.

Boarding School Syndrome is now being recognized as a specific psychological condition characterized by depression, problems with relationships and long-term emotional or behavioral difficulties. Those that are effected by this syndrome are often called Boarding School Survivors.

Nick Duffell released his book, The Making of Them, in 2000, based on this work with ex-boarding school pupils. In response, the UK media asked him the questions along the line of “Does boarding school negatively effect all pupils of boarding school?” And his response was to say that, no, but all pupils of boarding school have to survive.

Did you attend boarding school? Did you see it as a positive experience, a negative experience or you feel rather indifferent towards your boarding school education? Whatever your experience, according to Nick Duffell you would have had to have survived.

I attended boarding school for 7 years from age 11 through to 17. On leaving school I saw it as a positive experience. I had been great at sports and academically reasonably bright. And yet as time went on I realized that my boarding school education had come at a cost. I realized that I had very little connection to my emotions. I also realized that I was not able to love or feel my heart.

This realization about my emotions helped me to go on a journey. Through the support of therapists, Buddhist monks and spiritual teachers I started to heal the wounds around my emotions, my relationships and my ability to love.

Do you recognise any of the below symptoms that many ex-boarders or those that present boarding school syndrome show:

• Do you struggle with emotional intimacy? Does it make you feel anxious?
• Do you find that you are not able to switch off? During holidays or down time do you find that you need to find something to do?
• Are you very controlling or a perfectionist? You often don't notice this trait but your spouse or children will often point out that they feel like they can't do anything right?
• Do you function well on a career or financial level but not on an emotional plane?
• Do you feel like you are a failure or at least really scared of being seen as a failure?
• Do you find it hard to relax?
• Do you often often feel out of touch with your own needs? You are happy to give to others but don't spend any time giving to yourself.
• Do you feel like you aren't really happy or joyful and that you have forgotten how to play or 'let your hair down' and have fun?
• Do you often feel alone, even when in a group of people?
• In your intimate relationship do you find that you avoid your partner?
• Do you have a fear that you are unlovable?
• Are you a workaholic and feel much more comfortable working hard than you do with your partner?
• Do people react to you as if you’re a bully?
• Have you struggled with addictions?
• Do you have a pattern of not committing to relationships, and your potential partners say that you blow hot or cold?
• When things are not going well in a relationship do you avoid conflict? Do you find that you prefer to be secretive or covert in conflict if it does arise?
• Do you see yourself always taking care of others but really struggle to take care of yourself?
• Do you find that you can provide for your family on a financial level but not on an emotional one?
• Do you find it hard bringing up children?
• Do you find that you try to keep out of trouble, and get scared that you might get caught?
• Do you fear exposure as a fraud or impostor?
• Have you ever had or still have sleep disorders or sexual problems?
• Do you find that you easily get stressed?

Do you answer yes to any of these questions? Do you answer yes a lot these questions? Then firstly please know that you are not alone. Many boarding school survivors struggle with the above areas. I struggled with most of these areas for a number of years.

What is really heartening nowadays is that there are so many therapies and tools that help boarding school survivors to not only heal these wounds but also to start creating happier and more joyful lives.

It does take time, patience, and consistency but it is possible to start healing.

To learn more about Boarding School Survivors Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here .