Boarding School Trauma: Prep School vs Public School

Over the years, one question has come up repeatedly in conversations with former boarders:

"Was prep school or public school worse?"

It's a surprisingly difficult question to answer because experiences vary enormously.

Some people tell me they hated prep school but loved public school.

Others say public school was the hardest experience of their lives.

Some struggled in both.

Others appear to have enjoyed much of their education.

So what explains these differences?

The Round Peg and the Square Hole

One way I think about boarding school is through the metaphor of a round peg and a square hole.

Children arrive as themselves.

With their emotions.

Their attachments.

Their individuality.

Their need for safety and connection.

The boarding school system often requires adaptation.

The child gradually learns how to fit the culture.

How to survive.

How to suppress vulnerability.

How to manage homesickness.

How to hide fear.

How to avoid becoming a target.

This adaptation can be painful.

But once it has happened, a child may appear to fit in more easily.

Why Public School Sometimes Feels Easier

Many children who arrive at public school at thirteen have already spent five or six years in prep school.

They have already learned the rules.

They understand the culture.

They know how to survive.

In many cases they arrive already adapted.

By contrast, children arriving directly at public school at thirteen are often experiencing boarding life for the first time.

They may stand out.

Their accent may be different.

Their behaviour may be different.

Their emotional responses may be different.

As a result, they may experience the same adjustment difficulties that younger children experienced at prep school.

The difference is that is prep school everyone in your year was in the same boat.

If you arrive at 13 you might be only a handful of people to be in this position.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Many former boarders remember sixth form positively.

And often rightly so.

By that point they have more freedom.

More status.

More autonomy.

Greater confidence.

But sometimes these positive memories can obscure what came before.

The homesickness.

The loneliness.

The bullying.

The anxiety.

Part of healing can involve revisiting these earlier experiences with honesty and compassion.

Betrayal Blindness

Psychologist Jennifer Freyd introduced the concept of betrayal blindness.

When we depend upon a system, institution or caregiver, it can become difficult to see harm clearly.

This is not weakness.

It is often a survival strategy.

Many former boarders find themselves holding both truths simultaneously:

- There were aspects of the experience they valued.

- There were also aspects that caused genuine pain.

Both can be true.

The Real Question

Perhaps the question is not whether prep school or public school was worse.

Perhaps the more useful question is:

How did these experiences shape us?

How did we learn to survive?

What strengths did we develop?

What costs came with those strengths?

And how can we begin to reconnect with parts of ourselves that may have been left behind?

For many former boarders, this exploration becomes an important part of healing, leadership and emotional growth.