Married To A Boarding School Survivor
Married To A Boarding School Survivor - How To Be in Relationship with Someone Who Has Boarding School Syndrome
A Boarding School Survivor is a relatively new term for an old phenomenon.
Essentially it describes someone who has attended boarding school who still carries wounds relating to
that time. These wounds generally block the person from fully functioning in the world.
To others they might seem to be very successful - career-wise or financially. They can come across as charming or confident.
But the truth is that while they seem like they are fully functioning to the outside world, in relationships they often really struggle.
The people who are married to or partners with these boarding school survivors are often greatly affected by their other halves. While others can see this amazing person, the wife or husband sees a different side. A side that this boarding school survivor doesn't show to the rest of the world.
And for this reason if you are married to a boarding school survivor then you can probably quite clearly see the symptoms of boarding school syndrome when sometimes even the 'survivor' cannot.
What are some of these symptoms which relate to relationships? What are some of the symptoms of boarding school syndrome?
What are some of these symptoms which relate to relationships? What are some of the symptoms of boarding school syndrome?
- Does your partner often struggle with emotional intimacy? Do they seem anxious when emotional intimacy is required?
- Often ex-boarders are workaholics. Do you you find that your partner struggles to switch off at the end of the day? What are holidays like? Is your other half able to stop? Or do they get restless and want to be doing things?
- Boarding school survivors are often very controlling or perfectionists. Do you often find that you are in their spotlight of control or perfectionism? Does it feel like you can't do anything right?
- Does your loved one function well on a career or financial level but not on an emotional plane?
- An ex-boarder often feels like a failure or at least really scared of being seen as a failure. Do you see this trait in them? To you it looks like they've done a great job, but to them it is not quite good enough.
- The person with boarding school syndrome often wants people to like them. This kept them safe while at school. Rather than speak up and say what they feel they prefer not to rock the boat. Sometimes this is useful but in relationships, often this results in them not speaking their truth.
- Do you get the sense that your partner is out of touch with their own needs?
Do they drop everything when their family or work calls? It is like they do things to please others rather than doing things that feed themselves.
- Do you get a sense that although your loved might say that they are happy that you feel that deep down they are not happy or joyful?
- Often ex-boarders you have forgotten how to play or 'let their hair down' and have fun and can seem really serious and boring.
- And in many cases In intimate relationships the ex-boarder will do things to avoid you, and especially conflict, preferring not to speak about something rather than resolve it.
So what can you do if you are married to a boarding school survivor?
What if you can quite clearly see that they have boarding school syndrome even if they do not?
- Get them to read The Making of Them by Nick Duffell.
This is an amazing book by a UK psychotherapist who has worked with ex-boarders for over 30 years. In the book it gives lots of insights into life at boarding school. - Watch the following video about Married To a Boarding School Survivor
In this video I talk about a few different ways that you can cope with your partner.
I answer a question from a subscriber asking about how to be in relationship with a boarding school survivor.
- What can you do to help your partner to heal?
- How to get your partner to trust you so that they can open up?
- What inner work you can do for the benefit of yourself, and your loved ones.
3. Speak to someone who understands about Boarding School Syndrome
Is there someone you know who understands about boarding school and the trauma that went on there? If you do then I recommend that you reach out to them and speak. Being able to share what you are going through with others can be really healing.
If nobody springs to mind then you are welcome to reach out to me to arrange a call. In my years as a therapist it is often the partners of ex-boarders who reach out to me to ask for advice. Once they have spoken to me they then ask their loved one to arrange to speak to me.
As many ex-boarders are not able to see that they have this syndrome, the partners are often a gate way for them to start getting help and changing.
It is possible to heal.
To learn more about Boarding School Survivors Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here.
An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #79 Leading Clinical Psychologist: "Boarding School Is Developmentally Damaging" | Dr Naomi Fisher
An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #78 Marcus Gottlieb – Sexuality in Boarding Schools/ Working With Gay Boarding School Survivors
An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #77 Sarah Ockwell-Smith | “Because I Said So!” | Childism | Why Society Is Childist & How To Break The Cycle of Discrimination
An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #76 Pat Mills | Creator of Judge Dredd Talks About Catholic Church Sexual Abuse | IICSA | RLSS
An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #75 Nicky Moxey | Third Culture Kids| ACES| Adverse Childhood Experiences| Military Brats| Boarding School Syndrome for Women and Girls
An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #74 Childhood Neglect | Child Abuse | Attachment Theory | Boarding School | Professor David Howe
An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #73 Surviving Narcissism & Codependency: Richard Grannon's Life-Changing Advice
An Evolving Man Podcast #72 Trauma, Sex, Relationships, Shame, & Healing | Yuval Mann Sexual Teacher Talks About How We Recover From Sexual Shame
An Evolving Man Podcast #71 Mervin Canham – Childhood Trauma & Addictions Addictions Specialist Talks About Recovery and Men's Mental Health
An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #70 - Alan Clements Buddhist Insights Into War, Extreme Conflict, Trauma, and Dictatorships
