If you’ve ever wondered why “elite” boarding school education can leave lifelong emotional scars, this episode will land deeply.

In Episode 84 of An Evolving Man Podcast, I’m joined by Andrew Kavchak, author of Westminster School: Reflections of a Boarder. Andrew was born in Montreal, later based in Ottawa, and built a career in public policy before turning to writing. But this conversation isn’t about credentials. It’s about what happens to a child’s nervous system when they are sent away too young—and the long tail of consequences that can follow.

This is a powerful, human account of boarding school trauma, abandonment, academic collapse under stress, and the quiet ways a boy learns to survive when nobody is truly there.

👉 Watch/Listen to the full episode here: Spotify Episode

Why this episode matters

Boarding schools are often marketed as “character-building,” “traditional,” and “prestigious.” But many former boarders describe something very different:

• Attachment rupture (the child’s bond with parents is broken prematurely)
• Isolation and abandonment (especially for overseas boarders who can’t “go home” on weekends)
• Hypervigilance and shame (learning to stay safe socially and emotionally)
• Dissociation (a survival strategy that can follow you into adulthood)

Andrew’s story brings these patterns to life with clarity and emotional honesty—without sensationalism.

Andrew Kavak’s Westminster School experience

Andrew went to Westminster School in London in the mid-1970s as a 13-year-old Canadian, after significant family disruption (parental separation/divorce, frequent moves, emotional instability at home). Initially, Westminster felt thrilling—centuries of history, rituals, uniforms, and the atmosphere of “greatness.”

But the excitement didn’t last.

He describes the early warning signs many survivors recognize instantly:

• The weekends empty out as local boys go home
• The overseas boarder stays behind—often alone, with minimal adult care
• The child learns quickly that nobody is tracking their emotional state
• Academic performance drops—not because of laziness, but because the nervous system is overwhelmed

At one point Andrew says he felt like he could “disappear and nobody would notice.” That sentence alone captures a core feature of boarding trauma: the sense that your existence is not emotionally held by anyone.

“What is your problem?”

One of the most haunting moments in the episode is Andrew’s memory of a teacher calling him in early, not to help, but to humiliate and reprimand him.

That phrase—“What is your problem?”—became an internal echo for decades.

This is how shame becomes installed:

• Not through one big dramatic event
• But through repeated experiences of confusion + isolation + contempt
• Where the child concludes: “Something is wrong with me.”

For many boarders, this shame later expresses as:

• Perfectionism
• Anxiety and depression
• Difficulty trusting relationships
• A relentless need to “prove” worth through achievement

Boarding school syndrome, complex trauma, and dissociation

Andrew explores an important question: Was this “boarding school syndrome” even though he attended for just one year? Or is it complex trauma layered on top of intergenerational and family trauma?

What’s striking is that the symptoms match, regardless of the label:

• Abandonment wound
• Emotional shutdown / dissociation (Andrew describes “stopping talking” and observing life from a distance)
• Strategic survival behaviours
• Relationship discomfort and fear of abandonment in adulthood

This episode is a reminder: it’s not the length of time that determines impact—it’s the intensity of isolation, powerlessness, and lack of safe attachment.

Intergenerational trauma: when parents carry war inside them

A unique element of Andrew’s story is his family history. His parents were Polish, shaped by World War II trauma, loss, and displacement (including the shadow of atrocities such as the Katyn massacre). They believed sending him to Westminster was “safety” and “opportunity.”

And yet, this is how trauma can pass down:

• Parents who endured unspeakable suffering may become driven by security, status, and survival
• The child becomes the “project” that must succeed
• Emotional needs can be unintentionally sidelined
• A prestigious school becomes a symbolic rescue plan

Andrew is compassionate toward his parents—but clear about the cost.

The hidden truth about elite boarding culture

Andrew also talks about what many people eventually discover when they research the system:

• Boarding schools are deeply tied to class networks and social reproduction
• Much of the power sits behind closed doors
• And the culture often prioritizes outcomes (Oxbridge placements, reputation) over emotional wellbeing—especially for those who are struggling

He also raises an intriguing point: schools may claim they promote “non-conformity,” but many boarders experience the opposite—conformity as survival.

Writing therapy: a practical pathway to healing

A central takeaway from this episode is Andrew’s emphasis on writing as healing.

He describes how writing previous books helped him feel as if “a ball and chain” fell away—and how publishing his Westminster story finally placed the trauma somewhere else, instead of inside his body and mind every day.

He’s also careful: writing can be powerful, but it can be re-traumatizing if unsupported. Still, he offers writing as a simple, accessible starting point.

Examples include:

• Journaling
• Unsent letters
• Dialogue writing
• Memoir fragments
• “What I wish someone had said to me” writing

If you’re a survivor of boarding, adoption, institutional life, or childhood separation, this part of the episode is worth the listen on its own.