Today I am delighted to be speaking to Dr Suzanne Zeedyk.

In this episode of An Evolving Man Podcast we explore attachment theory, ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), Trauma and boarding school. Suzanne explores what trauma and attachment theory is.

And then she goes in to exploring how this relates in the world of boarding school and boarding school syndrome.

A really fascinating discussion from one of the world's leading developmental psychologists who has shared a stage with Gabor Mate among other people.

We cover lots of areas from Early Years Framework, the effect of Covid and lockdowns on children and how boarding school effects our leaders developmentally.

Topic: Legitimising the trauma of Boarding School Survivors

1. Tell us about your background and how you became interested in this topic.
a. Developmental psychologist, specialty is infants
b. Babies come into the world wired for connection.
c. Left academia to disseminate this to the public.
d. I often say this: “My aim is to strengthen awareness of the decisions we take
about caring for our children — because those choices are integrally connected
to our vision for the kind of society we wish to build.”

2. Tell us about the rise of the Trauma Movement (which some people call the ACEs
Movement)– here in the UK & beyond.
a. UK - Wider public awareness of trauma began in about 2015. (Wales, Scotland).
VERY multi-sector: Education, Law, Social Work, Business, Care, Parents.
b. USA – Earlier, about 2012
c. Publication of ACEs Study - 1998
d. In my view, this all goes back much further – to 1930s & beginning of Attachment
Theory.

3. Give us a sense of how trauma works. Why does it leave such impact?
a. How childhood trauma works - There is a biological impact. I talk about this as
‘Sabre Tooth Tigers & Teddy Bears’.
b. Growing up emotionally healthy requires: 1) Safe, reassuring relationships. 2)
Having your emotional experiences validated.
c. There have been conflicts about is the best language to refer to all of this: Trauma,
ACEs, Attachment. I myself often use the word ‘suffering’.
d. Some people describe Boarding School as creating resilience. It doesn’t. It
creates emotional atrophy. Your feelings in boarding school aren’t validated, are
they?? Survivors are helping us to see that what results is: Relationship problems,
self-regulatory problems, loneliness.

4. ***You think Boarding School Trauma has been left out of the Trauma Movement? And
you think there needs to be a change in that? Tell us more.
a. Boarding School Survivor Syndrome - began 1990s w/ Nick Duffel & Joy Schaverien.
b. A community of BSS support has grown up.
c. Loads of people are writing books on Boarding Schools – Alex Renton, Richard
Beard, Musa Okwonga, Robert Verkaik. Lots others are talking in other ways, on
social media: Joanna Britten. And the Sexual Abuse Enquiries getting lots of
coverage in media.
d. But it has STILL stayed very separate from the trauma movement. Most of the
public aren’t aware of its existence.
e. I have been very involved in the growth of Trauma/ACES Movement in Scotland.
NEVER have I EVER heard Boarding School Syndrome mentioned in any of those
discussions.
f. Recent quote on a FB page, in reference to my talking about this on Twitter: “This is
the first time I’ve heard someone listening to us.”g. I have realised that what is obvious to me is not obvious to others. I included a discussion of boarding school in the 2nd edition of my book Sabre Tooth Tigers &
Teddy Bears, published in 2020. But I now realise that is a bit unusual.
h. So I have an increasing goal, which is to bring BSS ‘into the fold’ – under the
umbrella with all the other sources of suffering for children. I like to think it helps
that I am NOT from a boarding school background at all. I come from outside that
world, although I have read a lot about it and have friends/colleagues who have
been part of it.

5. Why do you think that separation/exclusion exists?
FOUR reasons:
a. Conceptualisation of suffering. We have tended to focus on children in care,
poverty, dysfunctional or chaotic families. The idea this could exist in ‘posh
families’ is odd for many people – a rather different socioeconomic slant. Even
getting as far as we have has been a bit controversial. Some people have argued
that focusing on trauma detracts from addressing poverty, and they wish we would
just focus on that, as it would relieve suffering.
b. Legitimacy. There is reluctance/resentment to extend the compassion that has
been developed for children in poverty/chaotic families to ‘rich kids’. “Your
parents paid to send you away to boarding school. You still have material
resources, wealth, power. How do you get to claim equal legitimacy of suffering?”
(BUT we’ve got as far as the middle classes: Drinking alcohol went up during
COVID. Middle Class kids can ‘have trauma’. It’s not just the poor kids. So now we
can maybe extend it to the rich kids.)
c. Public Awareness. Most people don’t know anyone (well) who went to Boarding
School. So what happens there is ‘secret’ (to quote Alex Renton). It is outside
general awareness. They MIGHT get the attachment trauma – sending your child
away early. But they can’t conceive the violence (bullying, humiliation, physical
violence, sexual violence, sense of threat, denial of emotions). So what we have is
ACEs on top of fundamental attachment trauma (the break with parents, to be sent
away to school). Perhaps that goes even further back in development, to infant
experiences, as Simon Partridge keeps pointing out.
d. Boarding School Survivors Awareness. How do boarding school survivors
themselves come to understand themselves as ‘traumatised’? It is a very painful
journey to unpack what happened to you. That’s what Nick Duffel means by
‘privileged abandonment’. You are meant to value what happened to you. Your
parents paid for it. You are special & lucky. To conceive of it as damaging is
disloyal. You have to legitimise your own suffering. (Many people don’t even do
that. They see that they benefitted from the suffering.) And as many authors have
stressed, that suffering has been seen as worthwhile. It is what toughens you up.
So how are you meant to complain about it?

6. What are the consequences of legitimising suffering of Boarding School Children?
This is fascinating in my view!
a. We begin to conceive of childhood suffering in a new way, more comprehensively.
b. We begin to think about ‘parenting culture’. Could it be that the normal way the
‘upper classes’ have raised their children for many generations is damaging – that
this style of parenting is in itself traumatic? What is the likelihood thatintergenerational trauma is mixed in there too, passed in the DNA from one
generation to the next?
c. This would explain why we see some of the governmental actions we are
witnessing right now – we are governed by traumatised people.
d. All of that would be deeply uncomfortable to consider. (But I find this fascinating!)
It causes us to reexamine how we think of social structures in the UK. Members of
the upper class are not always admirable/esteemed, but often cruel. It is likely
there would be resistance from people who are member of that group to such a
characterisation. Who sees themselves as cruel? And why would you want to stop
raising children this way, if you can afford it – if it requires sacrificing social
networks and education quality for your child?

7. What questions does my stance leave us with?
a. What are the childhood experiences of our leaders and influential members of
society? Politicians, MET Police, media
b. Is the boarding school system the same now as it was in the 1960s & 1970s? Is it as
violent? (No.) Is it as attachment traumatic? (No.) So perhaps we are talking about
the past and not the present?
c. How does the general public learn more about what goes on / went on in boarding
school?
d. How do you get boarding/independent schools to reflect and guard against such
damages? Do you have to get rid of the system altogether? (Alex Renton says he
cannot find any boarding schools who acknowledge the relevance of Attachment
Theory.)
e. How do you weave this into Britain’s colonial history? Our ‘Empire’ has had a
massive impact on the globe. It was powered by people who had been to Boarding
School. That was, in a sense, in the 19th century, the purpose of the system: To
churn out (damaged) people who would service the Empire. And they did.... And as
a result, they damaged a lot of other people/countries. Resmaa Menakem in the
US is trying to bring a trauma lens to understanding race & slavery in America. We
could do the same in Britain to class. We have a lot to answer for around the
globe...

8. Is healing from boarding school trauma possible?
a. Yes. Its possible. Start w/ curiosity. Bessel van der Kolk’s book. The Body Keeps
the Score. Or Oprah & Bruce Perry: What Happened To You?

9. Where to find out more about me?
a. Websites
b. My book SBT & TB – includes Boarding School – the work of Tony Gammidge

#childdevelopment #boardingschools #attachment theory

For more information about Suzanne please visit: https://suzannezeedyk.com/

Or: https://connectedbaby.net

For her Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/drsuzannezeedyk/

To follow her on Twitter: https://twitter.com/suzannezeedyk

Suzanne's book: Tigers and Teddies: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sabre-Tooth-Tigers-Teddy-Bears-ebook/dp/B0874TNWFY/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=suzanne+zeedyk&qid=1652369012&sprefix=suzanne+zee%2Caps%2C117&sr=8-2

Trailer for Resilience https://youtu.be/49YZ2rn5R2M

Alex Renton's book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Blood-Legacy-Reckoning-Familys-Slavery/dp/1786898896/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=alex+renton&qid=1652369388&sprefix=alex+re%2Caps%2C121&sr=8-3

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An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?