Today I speak with Nick Duffell who is one of the leading experts in the field of boarding school trauma about intimate relationships, disassciation and homesickness.

Nick Duffell is a psychotherapist and trainer in private practice who pioneered therapeutic work with ex-boarders and specialist training for psychotherapists. He is the author of The Making of Them, Trauma Abandonment and Privilege and Wounded Leaders.

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Here are some of the questions I asked him:

1. I would love you to share your own journey of boarding school and what drew you into the work that you now do?

2. “How hard is it to believe even that boarding school harmed you? Because usually the ex boarders don't realize or accept what harm and trauma they suffered during boarding.”

3. I would love you to speak more about the Strategic Survival Personality. Do you feel that we as ex-boarders who were compliers have to become rebels in order to heal?

4. “please kindly speak on homesickness in detail. Because for me this experience was so extreme and dreadful. My hair turned grey at the age of 13. I missed my familiar environment so intensely.”

5. I went to a rural boarding school from age 11 to 18. An extremely isolated and traumatic experience where survival strategy meant I couldn't develop socially or emotionally and which left me utterly unprepared for real life. I feel like the pause button in my life was pressed for 7 years just so I could survive the experience. In many ways I still feel like that 11 year old. Completely lost and adrift. The loss of family, childhood and self is so huge it has shaped everything about me. How can we ever fix ourselves when we have missed out on such key developmental foundations? When we have neglected and lost ourselves so completely? One thing I realise is that we really did miss out on key things we needed..and also that we don't realise what we should have or be because we never had it.

6. Many of the ex-boarders I know really struggle in intimate relationships. What do you advise ex-boarders to help them to start to cultivate open, loving and happy relationships?

7. A common trait as ex-boarders seems to be around disassociation. What can we start to do to stop the splitting and connecting again with our feelings – both happy and sad?

8. How do we change the system and bring healing to boarding schools?



9. How do people find out more about your work and your offerings?

For more information please visit:

https://www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk/

And for one of Nick's upcoming events in December 2021: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/opus-study-day-boarding-school-and-society-tickets-159661599141

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An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?