Boarding school syndrome and sex. An interesting topic and for many, as you can imagine a highly charged subject.

If you went to boarding school do you struggle with sex and intimacy?

Why do you struggle with this? What is it about what went on at school that is now impacting not only your sexual relationships with others but also with yourself?

One of my subscribers on YouTube mentioned that he was trying to find out information about sex and intimacy and boarding school and yet he couldn't find anything. So he asked me to record a video (please see below).

Over the years of working with ex-boarders in boarding school therapy I see a common struggle. And that commonality is around relationship problems, feeling emotionally shut down and struggling with intimacy.

What this is can to is therefore a struggle with sex especially with a long term partner.

Why do Boarding School Survivors Struggle With Intimacy?

Learning to be intimate as a child or a teenager takes time, safety and guidance from others, like peers, parents or education.

In a boarding school setting many of the above needs are just not available.

Think back to your school life. Did you have the time to explore intimacy both with yourself or with another? Did you feel safe that you could close your door and not be disturbed? And did you feel that you could ask others what to do when you were with the opposite sex?

In answer to the first question - did you have time to be intimate then the chances are that no. For me as a young boy, everything to do with intimacy was in secret and was rushed. There was a fear of being caught which at my school for self-intimacy meant one step away from suspension. And for sexual intimacy with another could be a direct suspension or possible expulsion. So in answer to this first question - many have trained themselves to feel anxious or rushed when it comes to sex or intimacy and therefore their love lives become that too.

In answer to the second question - did you feel safe to explore intimacy at school? Depending what school you went to then the chances are that you had literally no personal or private space. Until the age of 17 at boarding school I did not have a door I could close for my own privacy. There were toilets downstairs which had doors but everywhere else was open: baths, showers, toilets, beds, and desks. So to be intimate with a partner or with myself was out of the question. How was it for you? Again, did you feel safe? If you didn't then the chances are that you are still carrying this lack of safety in your sexual life - maybe a certain fear or worry - but now that it is unconscious and all you know is that you want intimacy to be over as quickly as possible.

In answer to the third question - did you have adequate support while at boarding school to guide you in intimacy and sex? For many the answer again is no. And this is not just limited to boarding school. Many schools across the world have a lack of good sexual education or guidance for intimacy. But if you were at a mainstream school and could go home at night, maybe, just maybe you could ask your parents. At boarding school there is some sexual education but for me, it was limited to anatomy and not anything deeper than that. I received my "sexual education" as an 11 year old from a boy 1 year older asking me questions and telling me about sex. Yes, most of our sexual education and learnings around sex came from our peers. Why do we struggle as boarding school survivors with sex? Maybe because most of us received our intimate education from other children our own age.

What Does This Means Regards Sex in Adult Life?

A Disconnection Between Love and Sex

The first thing that not having safety, space to explore and a lack of emotional intelligence means that for us sex as adults is often disconnected from love. We have the physical act of sex but there is no connection with our emotions. So we could say that it is the difference between sex and love-making. As ex-boarders we know how to have sex, but we don't know how to make love.

At the beginning of a relationship sex might be great. But as time goes on and if we are in a relationship with a non-boarder then the other person will start to hunger for love-making over sex. But the problem is that we don't know how to do "love-making" so this can prey on a common belief of ex-boarders and that is "I'm not good enough."

The wonderful news is though that no matter your upbringing you can learn to reconnect to your emotions again. In the work that I do with clients and in my own life I have seen over and over again men come to me who struggle to feel only to quickly reawaken their connection to their own hearts. With a connection to their heart they can then start to learn to cultivate love-making again. Rather than sex just being a physical act, it becomes an emotional and almost spiritual practice which feels healing and sometimes truly blissful. The key to know is that through study and working on healing the heart you can start to reconnect heart and sex to manifest love-making.

The Shame Associated With Sex

Another problem that happens around sex in our adult life is around shame. At boarding school sex was and although I don't know 100% now presume it is the same now, frowned upon. If we were caught having sex at my school even when we were 18 we would be expelled. No questions. Even if you hadn't made any mistakes until that day. Sex = Expulsion. Sex = Wrong. Sex = Punishment.

But as young boys certainly, we thought about sex all the time. And so there was a battle inside of us. We couldn't stop fanstisising and for some masturbating,  but at the same time there was a part of us that would beat ourselves up. There's something wrong with you! You're disgusting. You're going to get caught. Sex = Shame. As I talk about in my new book about Boarding School Syndrome (out in 2021) we create these unconscious rules that, "Sex is wrong," "Sex is a shameful and punishable act."

So when we start to have sex as adults we still carry this same shame and these same rules, albeit unconsciously. We feel shame when we have sex. Yes, it might be pleasurable during the act itself, but after orgasm we go into feeling shame and like we've done something wrong. And if this continues for long enough and becomes painful enough, we will do all we can to avoid sex.

The remedy then is to start to explore and heal these memories and beliefs you have about sex. The healing begins when you start to see that it's okay to be sexual, not just with others, but with yourself as well. It's okay to touch yourself and stroke your body - you are worthy of pleasure and love just as much as another person. For when you cultivate this with yourself then you can start to cultivate this with another. At the beginning it might mean a lot of tears. But see these tears as healing. And that you are worthy of love. In a lot of the East, and some parts of Europe and Africa, sex is rejoiced and celebrated.  It is seen as a natural part of what it is to be human. Our work as ex-boarders is to remember and re-learn these teachings.

Sex is Quick

Due to the above reasons at school we learn to be quick with any sexual activity. We have no space, no time, no privacy. We feel shame, fear and so any sexual act is done quickly in case of being caught.

When we reach adulthood then because we have trained our nervous systems hundreds if not thousands of times to be speedy with any sexual activity so when we are in relationship we do the same.

And yet if you listen to or read any of the tantric or Taoist texts on sexuality you will see that in order for sex to be become love-making, not only does it need to involve the heart but also it needs to slow down and relax. The Taoists say in sex that men are like fire and women are like water. A man gets aroused quickly and his passion can be extinguished quickly like fire. And women are like water - they take a long time to get warm but then they stay warm sexually for a long time. If you as a man have trained yourself to be quick then the woman that you are with will not be satisfied - she is like water and takes a long time to come to the boil. The teachings around sexuality say that a man must learn to slow down and not come to the boil too quickly. By doing that both partners achieve greater satisfaction in love-making.

The Lover Archetype is Suppressed

At boarding school and I see a common issue in boarding school survivors is that the Lover archetype is suppressed. What is the Lover archetype? In the seminal work by Robert Moore who was a Jungian analyst he showed that there are 4 main energies in our psyches as men and women: the King/ Queen, Warrior, Magician and Lover.

The King/ Queen = Leadership/ Direction/ Blessing Others/ Ordering your life/ Your spiritual self

The Warrior = Boundaries/ The part of you that acts and gets things done/ Knows your limits/ the physical self

The Magician = The part of you that want to know and understand things/ The mind or mental aspects

The Lover = The emotions/ the feeling part of you/ the spontaneous part of you/ the libido and sexual energy/ your desire to connect with others/ unbounded joy.

So my theory is that in boarding school syndrome our Lover archetype is suppressed and rejected. If, at school you felt joy or pleasure, you showed happiness or spontaneity then this is attacked and vilified and as in my school, we were called "Gay!"

The Lover archetype is directly linked to sex and libido. It is not just about sex but it is all about sensuality not just of the physical body but of life in general. The joy at seeing a beautiful sunset, or seeing the lush spring growth of an ancient forest. That is your Lover energy. And if it is disconnected or repressed then you will also struggle in sex.

How do you reconnect with the Lover? By creating - painting, being spontaneous, spending time in nature, nurturing yourself, playing, having fun, laughter, joyful pastimes. being happy for no reason, learning Tantra or Taoist sexual teachings. Re-member the glory of what it is to feel again.

---

In this video I talk more about boarding school syndrome and sex and how what went on at school relates to how you respond to sex in your present adult reality.

---