The Piers Cross Blog

Leadership, Eldership, and the Trauma Beneath Our Institutions — Zena Me | AEM #93

Fri, 13 Feb 2026 10:00:34 GMT

Leadership, Eldership, and the

Trauma Beneath Our Institutions

AEM Podcast #93 with Zena Me

In this episode of An Evolving Man, I spoke with Zena Me , a woman whose work sits quietly beneath many of the conversations we urgently need to be having about leadership, power, and responsibility.

Zena has spent decades working with senior leaders, organisations, and institutions — including policing, business schools, and global corporates — and what struck me most was not just what she has seen, but what she has been willing to name.

That much of what we call leadership today is still operating from unexamined trauma.

Leadership roles vs the human being

One of the clearest distinctions Zena makes is between the person and the role .

So many leaders become identified with their position — their title, authority, or power — that they lose contact with who they are beneath it. The role consumes the self. And when that happens, decision-making narrows, empathy shrinks, and systems begin to serve themselves rather than the people within them.

Leadership, in its truest sense, is not about dominance or heroism. It is about serving the system, not being swallowed by it.

Yet many leaders are deeply entangled — psychologically, emotionally, and often unconsciously — in the systems they lead. Their identity, belonging, and safety are tied to the institution itself. To question it feels like a threat to survival.

For those who grew up in boarding schools, military families, or rigid hierarchical systems, this entanglement often begins early.

Boarding school, attachment, and institutional loyalty

As we spoke, I was struck by how closely Zena’s observations mirror what I see repeatedly in former boarders.

When a child is placed into an institution at a young age, the institution always comes first. The needs of the child come second. Survival requires compliance, silence, and emotional withdrawal.

You learn very quickly:

Don’t speak up
Don’t show vulnerability
Don’t challenge the system
Don’t betray loyalty

This doesn’t create resilience. It creates dissociation .

And dissociation, when carried into adulthood, often shows up as:

Difficulty accessing emotions
Fear of being seen
Over-identification with roles or status
Avoidance of conflict
A profound fear of speaking truth to power

When people shaped by these environments rise into leadership, they often reproduce the very systems that wounded them — not because they are malicious, but because those systems feel familiar and safe.

Emotional intelligence: talked about, but rarely embodied

We spoke at length about emotional intelligence — a concept that has been fashionable in leadership circles for decades.

The problem isn’t that leaders don’t understand emotional intelligence. Many can speak the language fluently.

The problem is that it is often intellectualised rather than embodied .

You cannot think your way into emotional intelligence. It requires:

Feeling sensations in the body
Tolerating discomfort
Staying present with fear, shame, grief, and anger
Allowing emotion to move, not be managed

Many organisations are simply not safe enough for this work. Leaders fear exposure, humiliation, and loss of authority. Boards fear what might surface if people are allowed to feel.

So emotions are “managed”, “contained”, or quietly avoided.

And trauma remains unspoken.

Organisational trauma and ungrieved loss

One of the most powerful parts of our conversation was around organisational trauma .

Institutions carry trauma just as individuals do.

Mergers, acquisitions, redundancies, scandals, colonial histories, abuse, silencing — these events leave emotional residues that are rarely acknowledged, let alone grieved.

Instead, organisations dissociate:

Values are written on walls but not lived
People are replaced, not mourned
Systems prioritise results over relationships
Punishment replaces accountability

Without grief, nothing truly heals.

We see this everywhere — in corporations, politics, education, and even national life. Trauma that is not acknowledged does not disappear. It gets reenacted.

Why punishment doesn’t heal systems

Zena named something that feels especially relevant right now: our cultural obsession with punishment.

When wrongdoing is exposed, we scapegoat individuals, demand resignations, and move on — believing justice has been served.

But punishment alone does not heal trauma.

Healing requires:

Truth telling
Witnessing
Accountability with humanity
Grief for what was lost or harmed

Without this, the system remains unchanged beneath the surface.

The missing piece: Eldership

This is where Zena’s work on eldership becomes so important.

Eldership is not about age.

It is about having crossed inner thresholds .

An elder is someone who has:

Disidentified from status and role
Faced their own trauma and shadow
Let go of blind loyalty to systems
Developed the capacity to sit with complexity
Become accountable to something larger than themselves

Our society is desperately short of elders.

We have leaders.

We have managers.

We have experts.

But we lack people who can hold:

The past and the future
Personal and collective trauma
Power and humility
Truth without retaliation

Elders are not heroes. They are anchors.

From leadership to eldership

Zena’s invitation is not that everyone becomes a public figure or institutional leader.

Eldership can live:

In families
In communities
In professions
In quiet acts of truth telling
In refusing to collude with silence

Each of us has an eldership niche — shaped by our history, our wounds, and the work we have done to integrate them.

For those of us who grew up in institutions that taught us to disappear, eldership begins with one radical act:

Choosing not to dissociate anymore.

Choosing to feel.

Choosing to speak.

Choosing to belong to ourselves first.

A closing reflection

As we ended the conversation, I was reminded of something my wife used to say about leadership in Indigenous cultures — that when a tribe faced a major decision, they went to the grandmothers.

Not for speed.

Not for certainty.

But for wisdom that considered seven generations forward — and seven generations back.

That kind of wisdom cannot be rushed.

It cannot be performed.

And it cannot exist without healing.

If we want different systems, we will need different people holding them.

And if we want different leaders, we will need elders.

Boarding School Abuse, Fear & Silence — Charles Spencer on A Very Private School | AEM #92 Charles Spencer

Fri, 06 Feb 2026 10:00:02 GMT

Boarding School Abuse, Fear & Silence —

Charles Spencer on A Very Private School

AEM Podcast #92 with Charles Spencer

Some conversations change the landscape simply by being spoken aloud.

In Episode #92 of An Evolving Man, I speak with Charles Spencer — author, broadcaster, and younger brother of Diana, Princess of Wales — about his memoir A Very Private School and the realities of elite British boarding schools that many would still rather not confront.

This is not an abstract discussion.

It is a testimony.

“Someone had to write this — and it had to be you”

Charles did not set out to write this book.

It emerged slowly — through decades of therapy, revisiting childhood memories, and, crucially, through encounters with former schoolmates who finally felt able to speak.

One man told Charles he had been raped three times at the age of nine .

Another spoke of a brother who died as a direct consequence of neglect and abuse .

When Charles hesitated, overwhelmed by the weight of what he was hearing, one man said something decisive:

"Someone has to write this. And it has to be you."

The illusion of protection

What comes through repeatedly is the gulf between what parents believed and what children lived .

At Maidwell Hall:

parents were kept out
charm and humour were used as a smokescreen
disturbing behaviour was concealed behind witty school reports
complaints from boys were dismissed as weakness or imagination

The Headmaster was, in Charles’s words, brilliant with parents — and monstrous with children.

This gap between adult perception and child reality is one of the most damaging aspects of institutional abuse.

“Fear” — or “Rage”

When Charles asked former classmates to sum the school up in one word, one said fear .

Charles chose rage .

Not adult rage — but the impotent rage of a child who knows something is deeply wrong but has no power, language, or protection.

That rage became a survival strategy.

Separation as amputation

Charles speaks movingly about early separations:

losing his sister Diana when she was sent away at ten
the loneliness that followed
being too young to eat with adults at home
evenings spent alone, even before he himself boarded

When he describes boarding school, one sentence stands out:

"What we suffered was not just separation — it was amputation."

Not merely leaving home, but being cut off from love itself.

Corporal punishment as ritualised cruelty

One of the most harrowing sections of the conversation concerns systematic corporal punishment .

At Maidwell:

beatings were routine
pain was ritualised
humiliation was public
punishment was arbitrary

Children were caned:

for minor accidents
for lateness
for fear responses
sometimes simply because another child was unavailable

Charles describes boys fainting, bleeding, wetting themselves in terror — and being punished again for those reactions.

This was not discipline.

It was sadism institutionalised .

Bullying as an extension of abuse

Bullying was not incidental — it was embedded.

Two notorious bullies terrorised younger boys with impunity, protected by the school hierarchy. Even criminal behaviour was quietly covered up rather than confronted.

As Charles notes, such environments reward cruelty and silence conscience.

Sexual abuse — and profound confusion

Charles speaks with great care about being sexually abused at eleven by a young assistant matron.

The complexity matters:

she provided warmth in a loveless environment
the abuse was disguised as care
the emotional confusion was profound

He is clear: reversing the genders makes the abuse undeniable .

The damage was not just physical — it was psychological, emotional, and spiritual.

One detail is especially haunting: years later, while finishing the book, Charles accidentally discovered a childhood diary containing his abuser’s phone number — written in her hand.

Trauma does not vanish.

It waits.

Long-term consequences

Throughout the conversation, a consistent theme emerges:

Children adapt — but adaptation is not healing.

Men from the school carried:

shame
fear
rage
emotional shutdown
lifelong anxiety
difficulty with trust, intimacy, and self-worth

Some broke down decades later.

Some developed serious illness.

Many believed — wrongly — that something was fundamentally wrong with them.

“Children cannot consent to boarding”

Charles is unequivocal.

Children under 13 cannot meaningfully consent to boarding:

they cannot grasp what they are losing
they are seduced by fantasy (“Hogwarts”)
they lack context

He argues — calmly but firmly — that one day society will look back on early boarding as we now view corporal punishment: unacceptable .

Institutions may have a place for specific needs — but sending children away to live with strangers should never be normalised.

Telling the truth is not bravery

One of the most important moments in the episode comes near the end.

Charles rejects the idea that speaking out is “brave”.

It’s not bravery. It’s telling the truth.

And he offers a gentle invitation to anyone listening who has carried their story in silence:

Unburdening yourself can change everything.

Why this conversation matters

This episode is not about the past alone.

It is about:

how societies treat children
how power protects itself
how silence is enforced
how trauma shapes leaders, families, and nations

If we want healthier adults and wiser decision-making, we must be willing to hear uncomfortable truths about how children have been treated — especially in institutions wrapped in prestige.

Listen to the full episode

AEM #92 — Boarding School Abuse, Fear & Silence
with Charles Spencer

Final reflection

If this conversation stirred something in you — anger, grief, recognition, or sadness — you are not alone.

Nothing was “wrong” with you.

You adapted to survive.

And survival can gently give way to healing.

Boarding School Trauma, Safeguarding Failures & Emotional Survival — A Paediatrician’s Perspective | AEM #91 Dr William Verling

Fri, 30 Jan 2026 10:00:13 GMT

Boarding School Trauma Explained by a Paediatrician | Safeguarding, Shame & Survival

AEM Podcast #91 with Dr William Verling

Some conversations take years to be possible.

This was one of them.

In Episode #91 of An Evolving Man, I sat down with Dr William Verling — consultant paediatrician, safeguarding lead, and someone I lived alongside at boarding school for seven years — to speak honestly about what happens when children are sent away too young , without protection , and without adequate care .

This is not a conversation about nostalgia.

It’s about development , trauma , survival strategies , and the long shadow they can cast into adult life.

“We were just children”

William begins with something deceptively simple — and deeply unsettling in hindsight.

We arrived at boarding school at 10–11 years old .

Children who:

couldn’t fasten their own clothes
had never slept away from home
were still neurologically dependent on caregivers for regulation and safety

And yet, we were placed into:

30-bed dormitories
cold, austere environments
rigid hierarchies
total separation from parents
almost no maternal or feminine presence

From a paediatric and developmental perspective, William names this plainly:

This was an environment fundamentally misaligned with what young children need to feel safe.

Pastoral care vs safeguarding — and why the difference matters

One of the most important distinctions William makes is between:

Safeguarding – preventing abuse and harm
Pastoral care – emotional containment, attunement, and support

At our school, both were profoundly lacking.

Despite the institution’s charitable aims, there was:

no meaningful emotional containment
no safe adult to disclose to
no privacy
no consistent warmth or protection

Children with prior trauma were placed into an environment that amplified rather than healed it.

William is clear: without wrap-around pastoral care, this was always going to fail.

Hunger, cold, fear — and living in constant vigilance

Listening to William describe daily life brought back visceral memories:

never knowing if there would be enough food
living in physical cold for months
being watched while bathing
no doors on toilets or showers
nowhere to retreat, regulate, or feel safe

From a developmental lens, this matters deeply.

When a child lives in constant threat , their nervous system adapts — not toward growth, but toward survival .

When trauma becomes unspeakable

One of the most painful parts of this conversation is the shared memory of a boy in our house who took his own life.

At fourteen.

What followed was not care, but:

shock without containment
grief without permission
emotion without safety
counselling that was imposed, not chosen

And for some, that “support” became another site of violation.

William speaks with extraordinary clarity about how authority figures , positioned as helpers, exploited vulnerability — and how that leaves a lasting imprint:

When someone in authority abuses trust at the moment you most need help, it can fracture your relationship with authority for life.

“You don’t speak up”

This line comes up again and again.

Not because we didn’t want to speak.

But because:

there was no trusted listener
disclosures weren’t believed
silence was the safest option

Many boys learned early:

Survival depends on saying nothing.

That lesson doesn’t disappear at 18.

Impostor syndrome & reinvention

William’s journey into medicine didn’t come from confidence — it came from shame .

A need to prove worth.

A fear of being “found out”.

A sense of never quite belonging.

He describes:

reinventing himself repeatedly
shape-shifting across environments
splitting off parts of himself to cope

From the outside, this can look like success.

From the inside, it’s exhausting.

Emotional shutdown as a “skill”

One of the most nuanced parts of this conversation is William’s honesty about emotional shutdown.

In medicine, it can save lives.

In resuscitation, it can be essential.

In crisis, it can be adaptive.

But in relationships?

It comes at a cost.

You can function everywhere — but belong nowhere.

This is boarding school survival logic carried into adult life.

Horcruxes, splitting, and surviving at a cost

William makes a powerful link to Harry Potter and the idea of splitting in order to survive.

When pain is too great:

parts of the self are sealed off
emotion is compartmentalised
identity becomes fragmented

It works — until it doesn’t.

Eventually, the energy required to keep the pieces separate becomes too great.

A paediatrician’s reflection

What makes this episode especially important is who is speaking.

Not just a former boarder.

But a paediatrician who now understands:

child development
attachment
trauma
nervous system regulation

William is clear:

From a child-development perspective, sending children away at that age without robust care is profoundly risky.

Why this conversation matters

This isn’t about blame.

It’s about truth .

If we want:

safer schools
healthier leaders
fewer breakdowns, addictions, and suicides
more emotionally present adults

Then we have to be willing to look honestly at systems that taught children to survive by disconnecting from themselves .

Listen to the full episode

AEM #91 — Boarding School Trauma, Safeguarding & Survival
with Dr William Verling

Resources & links

Final reflection

If parts of this resonated — the shutdown, the impostor syndrome, the sense of living multiple lives — you are not broken.

You adapted.

And adaptation can be gently unlearned.

If you’d like support exploring this work further, or want to engage with the wider conversation around boarding school syndrome and leadership, you can find more of my work here:

Leadership Coaching

The Mother Wound, Boarding School Syndrome & Skyfall: What James Bond Reveals About Attachment |AEM #90 Dr Mark Stibbe

Fri, 23 Jan 2026 10:00:24 GMT

The Mother Wound, Boarding School Syndrome & Skyfall:

What James Bond Reveals About Attachment

AEM Podcast #90 with Dr Mark Stibbe PhD

There are conversations that land in the head… and conversations that land in the body.

This one did both.

In Episode #90 of An Evolving Man, I sat down again with Dr Mark Stibbe to explore something many of us circle for years before we can name it:

the mother wound — and how it connects with boarding school syndrome , emotional shutdown, intimacy, and the hidden grief many men (and women) carry.

What surprised me most was how naturally the discussion moved from early attachment and neuroscience… to British culture… and then to an unexpected place:

James Bond. Skyfall.

And the line that says everything many ex-boarders already know in their bones:

“Orphans make the best recruits.”

What is the “mother wound”?

Mark begins with a crucial tone-setting: this conversation isn’t here to blame or demonise mothers.

He draws on Donald Winnicott’s idea of the “good enough mother” — and makes a distinction I think matters deeply in Britain, where so many families still struggle to speak about emotion without shame.

He then describes mothering love as something profoundly practical and embodied — expressed through three core channels:

Voice (affirmation, soothing, attunement)
Eyes (being seen, warmth, presence)
Touch (comfort, protection, appropriate closeness)

In other words: not just care, but felt safety .

And it’s hard to overstate this point: when a child misses these forms of connection, it’s not simply “unfortunate.” It can shape the blueprint of how they relate for decades.

Secure vs insecure attachment

Mark frames the mother wound through attachment:

Secure attachment can create:

a stable sense of self-worth
an inner sense of basic trust
greater ease with closeness and relationship repair

Insecure attachment can form in different ways

Mark breaks insecure mothering patterns into three broad categories (and I found this clarity powerful):

Absent mothering

physically absent (death, abandonment, illness, addiction)
or emotionally absent (present in the home, but not emotionally available)

Ambivalent mothering

inconsistent love / inconsistent presence
a child learns: Which version of mum am I getting today?

Abusive mothering

verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse

And then he offers a line that’s worth sitting with:

Trauma isn’t only what happened to you.
It can also be what didn’t happen for you .

Boarding school as a second orphaning

This is where the boarding school conversation becomes unavoidable.

Mark shares his own story: separated early, then sent to prep school at eight — and describes boarding as a kind of “second orphaning.”

That phrase matters.

Because many ex-boarders speak as if they “shouldn’t” be affected:

“It was a privilege.”
“It gave me opportunities.”
“It made me resilient.”

And yet, the nervous system often tells a different truth.

When a child is sent away young, they don’t just miss home. They often learn to survive by doing something very British:

shut down.
Switch off feelings.
Endure.
Perform competence.

Then… forget to turn the switch back on.

What Skyfall gets right about the British psyche

I didn’t expect a Bond film to become a psychological mirror — but Mark names something real.

In Skyfall, Bond’s relationship with “M” is essentially a mother dynamic: loyalty, betrayal, duty, abandonment, and the longing for care that can’t be spoken.

And that line — “Orphans make the best recruits” — lands like a thesis statement for the British imperial model:

If you want someone who can survive isolation, suppress emotion, and do the job without tenderness…
train them early.
Cut off attachment.
Replace home with institution.
Replace feeling with duty.

This isn’t just about espionage.

It’s about leadership, relationships, parenting, and the emotional culture we pass down.

Common “mother wound” patterns in adult life

Mark speaks carefully here (and I appreciated that). He doesn’t claim a single narrative for everyone.

But he points to repeated patterns he’s observed, including:

difficulties with trust and intimacy
withdrawal from closeness, or obsessive attachment
the tendency to recreate early blueprints in adult relationships
coping strategies that become self-destructive over time

He also names something many people feel but rarely say out loud:

unprocessed grief can turn into contempt
— towards the feminine, towards vulnerability, towards the parts of us that still need mothering.

Healing the mother wound

The healing section is where this episode becomes more than analysis.

A few themes stand out:

1) Understanding changes everything

Mark references the idea (in essence): the more we understand the forces that shaped our parents, the more we can soften toward reality — without denying harm.

Not excusing. Not bypassing.
But seeing the whole picture.

2) Forgiveness is powerful — but not performative

He’s very clear that forgiveness can’t be a duty-driven performance. It has to land in the heart, not just the head.

And often it requires something deeper than logic: an emotional re-patterning.

3) Healing must involve the emotional brain

Mark makes a point I strongly agree with:

Insight alone isn’t always enough.

A lot of people understand their story intellectually — but their body is still living the old reality.

He speaks about needing change not just in the thinking brain, but in the limbic system : the felt sense of safety, connection, belonging.

In plain language: you can’t talk your way out of an attachment wound.
You have to experience a new kind of relationship and presence.

A final reflection

If you’re reading this and feeling something in your chest, stomach, throat, or eyes — that’s not weakness.

That’s your system recognising a truth.

The mother wound isn’t just personal.

It’s cultural.

And if we want a different Britain — safer children, healthier leadership, deeper intimacy, less shame — we will have to learn how to do what many of us never got taught:

rupture and repair.
truth and tenderness.
feeling and connection.

Listen to the episode

AEM #90 — Dr Mark Stibbe: The Mother Wound | Boarding School Syndrome | James Bond | Skyfall

Call to action

If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you:

What did you learn about love in your family system?
What did boarding school teach you about vulnerability?
What does repair look like for you today?

And if you want support working with the mother wound and boarding school syndrome in a grounded, trauma-informed way, you can explore my work here:
(Coaching / Documentary / Newsletter link )

“Goodbye Uncle Fudgy”: The Comedy Show Exposing Boarding School Damage (AEM #89)

Fri, 16 Jan 2026 10:00:51 GMT

Boarding School Trauma, Comedy,

and the Mask of “Banter” —

What Tom Greaves’ Story Reveals

There’s a particular kind of humour many of us recognise instantly.

Fast. Cutting. Performative. “Only joking.”

The kind that keeps you safe — until it doesn’t.

In this episode of An Evolving Man , I’m joined by Tom Greaves , an actor and comedian whose award-winning show Goodbye Uncle Fudgy explores the psychological fallout of boarding school through character comedy, story, and raw honesty.

It’s a conversation about boarding school culture — but it’s also a conversation about something wider:

What happens to a child when the safest way to survive is to stop being real?

The “Winning” Humour vs the Truth-Telling Humour

Tom describes growing up with a version of humour many boarders will recognise: banter used as dominance.

You stay on top. You don’t become the target. You keep moving.

But he also trained in clowning — a very different tradition. Not humour that wins, but humour that reveals.

Clowning invites you to be the idiot on stage.

To be seen.
To be vulnerable — and not die.

For a boarding school boy trained to suppress emotion, that’s radical.

The Hidden Training: How Boarding School Shapes a Nervous System

Tom speaks about how boarding school conditions children to shut down feelings — sadness, fear, tenderness, even joy.

If you show you’re affected, you become the butt of the joke.

If you cry, you lose status.
If you’re vulnerable, you’re unsafe.
So the body learns the pattern:
suppress
mask
perform
survive

And often, years later, that survival strategy becomes a life strategy — until relationships break down, a crisis hits, or the “successful” outer life starts to feel hollow.

This is one reason so many former boarders report later struggles with:

emotional intimacy
shame and self-criticism
dissociation and numbing
workaholism / perfectionism
substance use and coping behaviours

When the Past Catches Up: “Midlife” and the Return of the Child

Tom’s show uses a powerful framing: the adult self being haunted by the child self.

The “tuck box” becomes a portal.

The past isn’t gone — it’s stored.

And sooner or later, the child you left behind comes looking for you.

This is what trauma often is: not a memory, but a state.

A nervous system still living in the old rules.

Healing Isn’t a Performance — But Performance Can Open the Door

One of the most moving parts of Tom’s journey is what happened in the boarding school survivors workshop: a therapist holding him and apologising “as the parents.”

That kind of moment can cut through decades of defences — because it offers what the child needed:

protection
recognition
tenderness
truth

For many men, it takes extraordinary courage to let that land.

And Tom names something important: even when you’re “successful,” it can feel like you have no right to speak about trauma — because society labels boarding school as privilege.

But privilege and trauma can coexist.

In fact, that’s part of what keeps it hidden.

Why This Conversation Matters (Even If You Didn’t Board)

Tom’s show landed not only with boarding school survivors — but with people from completely different backgrounds. Why?

Because the heart of it is universal:

the longing to be seen
the fear of being too much
the habit of masking
the cost of disconnection

Childhood shapes us.

And systems shape children.

Whether it’s boarding school, family dysfunction, or a culture that rewards emotional shutdown — many adults are still living inside adaptations they built at seven years old.

Watch / Listen to the Full Episode

If you’ve ever wondered:

why humour became your armour
why you struggle to name what you feel
why “doing well” never quite feels like peace

…this episode will speak to you.

Girls & Boarding School Trauma: Neglect, Attachment & “Almost Boys” (Episode 88)

Fri, 09 Jan 2026 11:00:22 GMT

Girls & Boarding School Trauma:

Neglect, Attachment & “Almost Boys”

Morag Edwards (Episode 88) AEM #88

What happens when girls are placed into boarding schools designed for boys, by boys, and around boys — and then left largely unsupervised?

In Episode 88 of An Evolving Man Podcast , I speak with Morag Edwards , an educational psychologist of over 30 years and the bestselling author of Almost Boys (published under her pen name Isabel Ross ).

Her book is one of the most important contributions to the conversation about boarding school trauma in girls , particularly within co-educational boarding schools .

This episode is essential listening for anyone interested in:

boarding school syndrome
neglect as developmental trauma
attachment theory and early separation
girls’ emotional safety in elite education
and why “co-ed” does not automatically mean “healthy”

�� Listen to Episode 88 here
�� Explore more boarding school trauma resources

Why this episode matters

Much of the literature on boarding school trauma has focused — understandably — on boys.

But Morag’s work asks a crucial and often ignored question:

What about the girls?

In Almost Boys, and in this conversation, Morag makes clear that girls in co-educational boarding schools were not admitted for their education or wellbeing — but largely to civilise boys .

The result?

intense academic pressure
sexualised environments
emotional neglect
patriarchal norms
and a profound absence of safeguarding

Morag Edwards: educational psychology meets lived experience

Morag trained as an educational psychologist after studying psychology at St Andrews University, following an early fascination with how minds work. For decades, she supported children and families professionally — without ever making the connection between her own struggles and her boarding school upbringing .

That connection only emerged much later, during lockdown, when Morag reread her childhood diaries.

What she saw stunned her:

attachment disruption
executive function stress
emotional dysregulation
trauma responses — all there on the page

This is a recurring theme in boarding school survivors:

we carry the evidence with us
but shame and embarrassment stop us looking
until one day, the pattern becomes undeniable

“Almost boys”: girls in a patriarchal boarding system

Morag attended a co-educational boarding school where:

there were 800 pupils
400 boarders
and just 40 girl boarders

That ratio alone tells a story.

The girls were:

told they were “lucky” and “privileged”
expected to be academically outstanding
pressured to be attractive, accommodating, and sexually available
mocked if they outperformed boys
emotionally unsupported and unsupervised

Morag describes a culture where girls existed for boys’ benefit — not for their own development.

This mirrors what many women report:

femininity was suppressed
compliance rewarded
boundaries blurred
and vulnerability exploited

Neglect: the trauma no one wants to name

One of the most powerful threads in this episode is neglect .

Morag describes long stretches where:

no adult knew where the girls were
no one checked emotional wellbeing
weekends passed with minimal supervision
entire boarding houses were left to a single, overwhelmed matron

This fits squarely with modern definitions of neglect, including those used by the NSPCC:

emotional neglect
lack of supervision
failure to protect from harm
absence of safe attachment figures

As you note in the conversation, research increasingly shows that neglect can be as damaging — or more damaging — than overt abuse .

Neglect leaves no obvious scars.

But it reshapes the nervous system.

Attachment theory: what boarding school disrupts

Morag brings clarity by grounding this conversation in attachment theory .

She explains the three foundations of secure attachment:

Mentalisation – being held in mind
Containment – co-regulation of big emotions
Reciprocity – attuned communication

Boarding school disrupts all three.

Children lose:

their attachment hierarchy overnight
their primary regulators
their emotional mirrors
and the adults who know them best

Morag draws on Bowlby’s work:

protest
despair
detachment

This sequence mirrors grief — because that’s what it is.

Why some children “thrive” (and why that’s misleading)

Morag offers a nuanced view of attachment styles in boarding schools:

Securely attached children may appear to adapt — often by masking
Anxious-ambivalent children are most at risk: bullied, overwhelmed, crushed
Avoidant children “fit in” best — because emotional detachment is rewarded

But none of this equals wellbeing.

What schools often label as “settling in” is actually:

emotional shutdown

And masking, as Morag notes, is exhausting.

Girls, coercive control, and sexual bullying

One of the most disturbing sections of the episode concerns coercive control .

Morag recounts being targeted by an older boy she calls “the Fisherman”:

exclusion
humiliation
manipulation
and eventual sexual coercion

Crucially:

she did not tell staff
she did not trust adults
she could not tell her sister, who was Head Girl

The system made disclosure impossible.

As we both note:

speaking up in boarding schools often makes things worse — not better

Silence, shame, and self-blame

Like many survivors, Morag internalised the bullying:

“It must be me.”
“I’ve failed again.”
“My parents paid for this — I should be grateful.”

This is a devastating psychological bind:

abandoned
then blamed (implicitly or explicitly)
then silenced

The result is deep shame — carried into adulthood.

Why this is not “just history”

A critical point Morag makes is that these dynamics still exist .

She cites:

recent journalism
contemporary survivor accounts
unchanged power structures

She also highlights modern risks:

traumatised boys absorbing extreme online misogyny
lack of trauma-informed education
schools unable (or unwilling) to monitor relationships closely
children with no parental safety net at night

Without trauma-informed practice, the same harms repeat.

Key themes covered in Episode 88

This episode directly addresses topics people are searching for:

girls boarding school trauma
co-educational boarding schools
neglect as childhood trauma
attachment theory and boarding school
emotional neglect in education
sexual bullying in schools
boarding school syndrome in women
trauma-informed education

What Morag believes must change

Morag is clear:

early boarding should be recognised as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)
boarding schools must be trauma-informed
all staff (not just teachers) need safeguarding training
emotional wellbeing must be central, not peripheral

And most importantly:

children must not be treated as “resilient by default”

Episode 88: what you’ll hear

Why girls were admitted to co-ed boarding schools — and at what cost
How neglect operates as trauma
Why attachment disruption matters more than exam results
The different ways children survive boarding school
Sexual bullying and coercive control in unsupervised environments
Why “settling in” often means emotional shutdown
Why this conversation is urgent now

�� Listen to Episode 88:
�� Buy Morag’s book Almost Boys:

Final reflection

This episode challenges one of the most persistent myths in elite education:

that placing boys and girls together makes everything safer.

Without attachment, containment, and care, co-education can simply widen the field of harm .

Morag’s work is not anti-education.

It is pro-child.

And it demands that we finally listen to girls whose experiences have been minimised for generations.

FAQ

What is Almost Boys about?
A memoir-informed exploration of a girl’s experience in a co-educational boarding school, integrating attachment theory, neglect, and trauma.

Are co-educational boarding schools safer for girls?
Not automatically. Without trauma-informed safeguarding, girls may face sexual bullying, neglect, and emotional harm.

Why is neglect so damaging?
Neglect disrupts emotional regulation, attachment, and self-worth — often with lifelong consequences.

Can attachment styles change after boarding school?
Yes. The brain remains plastic, but healing usually requires relational safety and often therapeutic support.

Nature As A Form of Healing | Mental & Emotional Health | AEM #87 Sam Adams

Fri, 02 Jan 2026 11:00:10 GMT

Rewilding Masculinity: Trauma, Nature & Men’s Healing with Sam Adams (Episode 87)

What happens when boys are taught to suppress their emotions, disconnect from their bodies, and sever their relationship with nature — all in the name of “being a good man”?

In Episode 87 of An Evolving Man Podcast , I’m joined by Sam Adams , founder of First Men and Red Phoenix Rewilding , to explore how men’s trauma, emotional dissociation, and cultural orphanhood can be healed through nature-based practices, community, and embodied masculinity .

This conversation sits powerfully alongside earlier episodes on boarding school trauma — offering not just analysis, but a pathway home .

�� Listen to Episode 87 here:
�� Explore more trauma & healing resources:

Why this episode matters

Many men arrive in adulthood:

emotionally numb
disconnected from their bodies
ashamed of vulnerability
unsure what healthy masculinity looks like

As Sam names it so clearly:

We are cultural orphans.

Cut off from:

elders
rites of passage
the natural world
and embodied wisdom

This episode is about remembering what we’ve forgotten — and how trauma can become a teacher rather than a life sentence.

Sam Adams: from wounded boyhood to rewilded masculinity

Sam’s journey into men’s work did not begin with theory — it began with unlearning .

He describes growing up with messages many men will recognise:

“Boys don’t cry”
“Be a good boy”
“Don’t make a fuss”
“Don’t feel too much”

Those messages became internalised curses — shaping how he related to himself, other men, and the world.

His healing unfolded not through force or performance, but through:

reconnecting with the natural world
finding safe male community
and reclaiming a more authentic, sovereign masculinity

Nature as the missing attachment figure

A central theme of this episode is nature as medicine .

Sam describes how his relationship with the natural world became a place of:

safety
reflection
regulation
and belonging

For many men — particularly those with early attachment rupture (including boarding school survivors) — nature offers something humans sometimes could not:

consistent presence without judgement

This is not romantic escapism.

It is nervous system repair .

The seasonal map: a framework for healing and self-understanding

Sam introduces a powerful map based on nature — using:

the compass points
the seasons
the sun’s movement
and the elements

This map becomes a way to orient the psyche.

The Four Directions as Inner Landscapes

East (Spring / Sunrise): birth, beginnings, emotion, emergence
South (Summer / Midday): passion, action, fire, vitality
West (Autumn / Sunset): harvesting, grief, integration
North (Winter / Midnight): rest, death, prayer, renewal

Rather than forcing growth, this model invites attunement .

As Sam says:

“This map is a way home.”

Embodiment: moving beyond insight into lived experience

A critical distinction Sam makes is that this work is not purely cognitive .

Healing requires:

feeling
movement
sound
breath
expression

In nature, men are given permission to:

cry without being shamed
express anger safely
shout, roar, or collapse
be witnessed without fixing

This is especially relevant for men who learned early that emotion equals danger .

Dissociation, masculinity, and emotional shutdown

You bring a crucial trauma lens into the conversation — noting that many listeners:

grew up with childhood trauma
attended boarding school
learned workaholism as a survival strategy

Sam’s work speaks directly to this:

Dissociation is not failure — it’s adaptation.

Nature offers a gentle way back:

barefoot on the ground
slowing breath
eyes open, body present
movement rather than withdrawal

This is re-inhabiting the body after years of survival mode.

Men, shame, and the power of the circle

One of the most important insights in this episode is about shame .

Men often fear:

ridicule
rejection
humiliation
being seen as weak

Sam describes how men’s circles interrupt this pattern:

one man risks vulnerability
another follows
shame dissolves through witnessing

This mirrors what trauma research shows:

Healing happens in safe relationship.

Not alone.

Not in isolation.

Not through “man up” culture.

Grief, tears, and being held by the land

Sam shares a deeply moving story of collapsing in grief under a hedge — unable to walk, crying until exhaustion.

Nature held him.

This echoes what many trauma survivors describe:

grief that was never allowed
tears suppressed for decades
emotions finally finding ground

As you reflect, grief — once expressed — becomes cleansing rather than overwhelming.

The next phase of men’s work: from healing to action

A particularly compelling part of this episode is Sam’s insight that men’s work is evolving.

He suggests:

the first phase was permission to feel
the next phase is embodied action

Not aggression — but:

protection
stewardship
service
standing for life

This includes:

caring for the earth
defending the vulnerable
dismantling harmful systems
mentoring younger men

A shift from Pharaoh energy to protector energy — a theme that resonates strongly with your wider work.

Fire as a metaphor for purpose and leadership

Sam beautifully explores fire as a teaching tool:

lighting a fire
tending it
letting it mature into coals

This becomes a metaphor for:

relationships
activism
leadership
vocation

A mature masculine does not burn everything down.

He learns how to tend the fire so it feeds others .

Why nature-based healing matters for trauma survivors

For those with early attachment wounds:

nature provides rhythm
predictability
cycles of death and rebirth
non-verbal attunement

This aligns with trauma-informed practice:

slow
sensory
relational
embodied

It is particularly powerful for men who struggle with traditional talk therapy.

Key themes covered in Episode 87

This episode naturally supports high-value search topics:

men’s trauma healing
rewilding masculinity
men and emotional dissociation
nature-based therapy
eco-psychology
men’s circles and healing
masculinity and vulnerability
healing childhood trauma in men

Episode 87: what you’ll hear

How early messages shape wounded masculinity
Why men feel lost in modern culture
Nature as a map for healing and identity
The power of seasons and cycles
Men’s circles and shame healing
Grief, anger, and emotional expression
Moving from healing into embodied leadership

�� Listen to Episode 87:
�� Learn more about Sam’s work:

Final reflection

This episode reminds us that healing is not about becoming someone new.

It’s about remembering who we were before we adapted to survive .

For men who learned to disconnect:

from emotion
from nature
from each other

Sam offers a grounded, practical, and deeply compassionate invitation:

Come home.
The land remembers you.
And you don’t have to do it alone.

FAQ

What is rewilding masculinity?
A process of reconnecting men to nature, embodiment, emotional truth, and relational integrity beyond cultural conditioning.

How does nature help heal trauma?
Nature supports nervous system regulation, emotional expression, and embodied presence without judgement.

Are men’s circles effective for healing?
Yes. Safe male groups reduce shame, model vulnerability, and support emotional regulation.

Is this relevant for boarding school survivors?
Very. Nature and community offer repair for early attachment rupture and emotional shutdown.

Home at Last: Freedom from Boarding School Pain | Scrooge | Syndrome | AEM #86 Dr Mark Stibbe

Fri, 26 Dec 2025 00:00:00 GMT

Boarding School Trauma & Healing: Dr Mark Stibbe on “The Boarded Heart” (Episode 86) AEM #86

What happens to a child’s heart when they’re sent away too young — and punished for needing love?

In Episode 86 of An Evolving Man Podcast , I’m joined by Dr Mark Stibbe — author of over 50 books, Cambridge University Press published PhD, award-winning novelist, and former Church of England vicar — for one of the most profound conversations we’ve had on boarding school trauma , emotional shutdown , and the often-overlooked spiritual dimension of healing .

Mark describes how his own therapy journey began with a breakdown that revealed the true root issue: unresolved public school pain. His language is powerful, precise, and deeply relatable — especially his phrase:

“The boarded heart.”

A child’s decision to stop feeling in order to survive.

�� Listen to Episode 86 here: Mark Stibbe episode
�� Explore more resources on boarding school syndrome and healing: Boarding School Syndrome

Why this episode matters

Many people still view boarding school through the lens of tradition, prestige, and “character-building.”

But survivors often describe something else:

attachment rupture
shame
abandonment
violence or humiliation
emotional numbness
and long-term difficulty with intimacy, trust, and self-worth

This episode is especially important because Mark doesn’t just describe the trauma — he maps a pathway of recovery that includes:

psychological insight
emotional re-connection
and, crucially for him, spiritual repair

Mark Stibbe: storytelling, orphanhood, and the roots of his writing life

Mark’s early life contains a key theme that runs throughout this conversation: orphanhood and belonging .

Adopted as a child, Mark describes a “golden age” of early years in a story-rich world — a home shaped by books, imagination, and a father figure who read Narnia and Tolkien aloud.

Storytelling was not merely a hobby. It was a form of connection.

And then came boarding school — which Mark describes as:

“A second orphaning.”

This phrase alone captures something many ex-boarders struggle to articulate:

The trauma is not just the institution
It’s the felt experience of being left — and having to become someone else to survive it

“The boarded heart”: the moment a child stops feeling

Mark’s boarding school story is searing.

He remembers arriving at prep school on his eighth birthday and hearing the car tyres crunch the gravel as his parents’ car drove away — a sensory detail many survivors mention (the “soundtrack” of abandonment).

Then, on his first night, he drops a bag of marbles. They roll down a staircase and hit the headmaster’s door.

The headmaster storms up with a cane and beats him — publicly — on his birthday.

Mark describes what happens next as a vow:

“I am not going to feel again.”

That decision is not weakness. It’s intelligence. It’s survival.

This is the “boarded heart”:

the emotional system shuts down
the child becomes hyperfunctional or compliant
the true self goes underground
the body continues living, but something inside goes numb

Why healing began with Nick Duffell’s The Making of Them

A turning point in Mark’s recovery comes through therapy.

His counsellor hands him Nick Duffell’s The Making of Them and warns him to read it somewhere safe. Mark describes reading it as physically and emotionally demanding — “like climbing a mountain.”

Because every page mirrored him.

This is a common ex-boarder experience:

You may believe your struggles are personal failure
Until you see your story in a pattern
And suddenly, shame becomes understandable (and therefore workable)

That’s the moment the lights come on.

Dickens, Scrooge, and the psychology of boarding school abandonment

One of the most fascinating and original parts of this episode is Mark’s insight into A Christmas Carol .

He describes a moment (seen powerfully even in The Muppet Christmas Carol) where Scrooge is taken back to his childhood — and the first place the Ghost of Christmas Past brings him is:

boarding school — alone at Christmas — “solitary, deserted, neglected.”

Mark’s point is profound:

Dickens understood, before modern psychology, that adult hardness often grows from childhood pain
and that shame (feeling unworthy of love) can be forged through abandonment

For listeners, this becomes an “aha” moment:

boarding school isn’t just a setting in British culture — it’s woven into British literature, leadership, and identity.

Leadership: Pharaoh vs Moses and the wounded leader problem

A major theme in your conversation is leadership — and why many institutions become dangerous when led by people who have never processed their pain.

Mark contrasts two leadership archetypes:

Pharaoh : power used to build monuments to the self; others are tools
Moses : leadership as service; presence; humility; shared struggle

This maps closely onto what many trauma-informed leadership frameworks now argue:

emotionally shut-down leaders often lack empathy
and leadership without empathy becomes lethal (Mark’s word is strong — and accurate)

This is directly relevant to your audience who care about:

cultural reform
public school tradition
elite networks
the way trauma replicates through institutions

Soul abandonment: trauma as an inner split

Mark introduces a useful framework: abandonment is not only an external event — it becomes an internal state.

He describes the “split” many boarders live with:

Feelings : “I am devastated. I am in pain.”
Thoughts : “This is good for me. I should be grateful. Big boys don’t cry.”

That split can become a lifelong pattern:

rationalising harm
minimising needs
performing strength
and carrying shame silently

This is why ex-boarders so often say:

“I loved it… but also it broke me.”

The psyche is trying to protect the story of the parents, the system, and the self — all at once.

Healing: therapy, spirituality, and the necessity of forgiveness

Mark’s healing path includes therapy — but he also argues strongly for what he calls psycho-spiritual integration .

In other words:

the mind needs understanding
the body needs safety and regulation
but the soul also needs repair — meaning, belonging, love, and “home”

He also emphasises forgiveness — not as denial, not as excusing harm, but as liberation:

Unforgiveness keeps you in prison.
Forgiveness is a key that opens the door.

And he makes an especially important point:

The hardest forgiveness is often forgiving yourself .

Many survivors know this intimately:

self-blame for not coping
shame for being “weak”
disgust at needs
anger turned inward

This episode speaks directly to that.

Key topics covered in this episode:

boarding school trauma
boarding school syndrome
public school trauma (UK)
emotional numbness / dissociation
attachment rupture
childhood abandonment wounds
trauma and leadership
wounded leaders Nick Duffell
forgiveness and trauma healing
spiritual healing after trauma

Episode 86: what you’ll hear

Mark’s “second orphaning” and why it was worse than the first
The moment he chose emotional shutdown: the “boarded heart”
Why The Making of Them was a turning point
The hidden boarding school origins of Scrooge’s pain
Pharaoh vs Moses leadership: power vs service
Why institutions led by unhealed ex-boarders can be dangerous
Why forgiveness — especially self-forgiveness — matters for recovery
Mark’s latest novel House of Dreams and its boarding-school survivor theme

�� Listen to Episode 86: Full episode
�� Mark’s work and books

Final reflection

This episode is not anti-education.

It’s pro-child.

It’s about what happens when we call abandonment “character-building,” when we call shame “discipline,” and when we mistake emotional shutdown for strength.

Mark’s message, at its core, is simple:

Healing is possible.
Coming home is possible.
But it requires truth — and tenderness.

FAQ

What is “the boarded heart”?
A survival response where a child emotionally shuts down in boarding school to endure abandonment, shame, or abuse.

Can boarding school trauma affect leadership?
Yes. Unprocessed trauma can reduce empathy, increase defensiveness, and drive power-based leadership patterns.

Does healing require spirituality?
Not for everyone — but this episode explores how psycho-spiritual approaches can support recovery for some survivors.

Why is forgiveness important in trauma recovery?
Forgiveness (including self-forgiveness) can reduce rumination and bitterness and help survivors reclaim inner freedom — without excusing what happened.

Boarding School Trauma from Age 2: Roger Sharpley on PTSD & Healing (Episode 85) AEM Podcast #85

Fri, 19 Dec 2025 10:00:02 GMT

Boarding School Trauma from Age 2:

Roger Sharpley on PTSD & Healing

(Episode 85)AEM #85

What happens when a child is sent away to boarding school before they can even form memories ?

In Episode 85 of An Evolving Man Podcast , I speak with Roger Sharpley , a retired homeopath, former seismology worker, and boarding school survivor who was sent away at the age of two and a half and remained in boarding institutions until he was seven and a half.

This is one of the most profound conversations I’ve had about early childhood separation , developmental trauma , and the invisible ways the body remembers what the mind cannot.

�� Listen to Episode 85 here: For full podcast episode
�� Explore boarding school trauma resources: For the full list of episodes

Why this episode is so important

Most conversations about boarding school trauma focus on children aged 8, 11, or 13.

Roger’s story forces us to confront a much more uncomfortable truth:

Trauma can occur before conscious memory exists — and still shape an entire life.

This episode explores:

What happens to the nervous system when separation occurs in early childhood
Why memory loss itself can be a symptom of trauma
How anxiety, freeze responses, and shame develop without obvious “events”
Why many survivors spend decades trying to feel safe — without knowing why

Sent away at two and a half years old

Roger was sent to boarding school alongside his sister when he was just two and a half years old .

His parents were not cruel — but they were traumatised themselves:

His mother lost her own mother at a very young age
His father was one of thirteen children and largely raised by siblings
Neither had a model of secure parenting
They were running a demanding bakery and restaurant business

From their perspective, boarding school was a practical solution.

From a developmental perspective, it was catastrophic.

Roger describes having almost no conscious memory of boarding school — a red flag in itself.

Modern trauma research tells us that early neglect and abandonment are often encoded somatically , not narratively.

Neglect, force-feeding, and failing health

As the conversation unfolds, fragments of memory emerge:

Being force-fed by having his nose held shut
Chronic hunger and poor nutrition
Being sent to a convalescent home because his health was failing
A sense of not surviving — physically or emotionally

These experiences align closely with the NSPCC definition of neglect:

“The ongoing failure to meet a child’s basic needs — the most common form of child abuse.”

Neglect is often minimised because it lacks drama. But neurologically, it can be just as damaging as overt abuse.

“I didn’t think I would survive” — trauma stored in the body

One of the most striking moments in the episode comes when Roger recounts surviving a hurricane at sea in 1970 while working on a seismic survey vessel.

As the boat was battered by the storm, he had a sudden, familiar thought:

“I’ve felt this before. I’m not going to survive.”

That sensation didn’t come from the ocean.

It came from boarding school.

This is a textbook example of implicit traumatic memory — where the body remembers danger even when the mind has no story attached.

PTSD, memory loss, and the freeze response

Roger was later diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder by a therapist.

His most debilitating symptom is severe memory impairment :

Difficulty remembering recent events
Getting lost easily
Struggling with names and faces
Feeling embarrassed and ashamed by cognitive lapses

Rather than being “stupid” (a label many ex-boarders internalise), this is consistent with chronic freeze and dissociation — survival responses that impair memory encoding and retrieval.

As Roger puts it:

“I always carried the belief that I was stupid. But I’m not. My nervous system just learned to shut down.”

Therapy that finally works

Roger has been in therapy for decades — but it wasn’t until he began working with a therapist who was also an ex-boarder that real progress began.

Why?

Because being understood matters .

Trauma healing is not just about insight — it’s about co-regulation, safety, and resonance . For many survivors, this is the first time they don’t have to explain or justify their pain.

Love, animals, and earned secure attachment

One of the most moving themes in this episode is love.

Roger openly shares that for much of his life he never believed anyone would want to marry him — a belief echoed by many boarding school survivors.

Yet he did find:

A loving, supportive partner
A deep bond with a cat who lived for 22 years
Safety and connection through animals, who offer non-demanding, unconditional presence

From an attachment perspective, this is earned security — healing that happens later in life through safe relationships.

Healing practices that helped

Roger’s healing has been slow, layered, and deeply embodied.

Practices that supported him include:

Long-term psychotherapy
Meditation (particularly Buddhist practice inspired by Thích Nhất Hạnh)
Tai Chi and Qigong — practised daily for decades
Singing in a choir (repairing early shame around his voice)
Slowing down the nervous system rather than “fixing” himself

These are not quick fixes. They are regulation practices — ways of teaching the body that it is no longer in danger.

The cost of early separation

This episode powerfully illustrates a truth that still makes many people uncomfortable:

Separating children from their parents in early childhood is a profound developmental risk.

Not because parents don’t love their children — but because no institution can replace attachment, touch, and emotional attunement .

As Roger’s story shows, the effects can last a lifetime.

AEM Podcast #84: “My Parents Dumped Me in a Foreign Orphanage”

Fri, 12 Dec 2025 14:55:50 GMT

“My Parents Dumped Me in a Foreign Orphanage”

Westminster School Boarding Trauma: Andrew Kavchak on Boarding School Syndrome (Episode 84)AEM #84

If you’ve ever wondered why “elite” boarding school education can leave lifelong emotional scars, this episode will land deeply.

In Episode 84 of An Evolving Man Podcast , I’m joined by Andrew Kavchak , author of Westminster School: Reflections of a Boarder. Andrew was born in Montreal, later based in Ottawa, and built a career in public policy before turning to writing. But this conversation isn’t about credentials. It’s about what happens to a child’s nervous system when they are sent away too young —and the long tail of consequences that can follow.

This is a powerful, human account of boarding school trauma , abandonment , academic collapse under stress , and the quiet ways a boy learns to survive when nobody is truly there.

�� Watch/Listen to the full episode here: Spotify Episode

Why this episode matters

Boarding schools are often marketed as “character-building,” “traditional,” and “prestigious.” But many former boarders describe something very different:

Attachment rupture (the child’s bond with parents is broken prematurely)
Isolation and abandonment (especially for overseas boarders who can’t “go home” on weekends)
Hypervigilance and shame (learning to stay safe socially and emotionally)
Dissociation (a survival strategy that can follow you into adulthood)

Andrew’s story brings these patterns to life with clarity and emotional honesty—without sensationalism.

Andrew Kavak’s Westminster School experience

Andrew went to Westminster School in London in the mid-1970s as a 13-year-old Canadian , after significant family disruption (parental separation/divorce, frequent moves, emotional instability at home). Initially, Westminster felt thrilling—centuries of history, rituals, uniforms, and the atmosphere of “greatness.”

But the excitement didn’t last.

He describes the early warning signs many survivors recognize instantly:

The weekends empty out as local boys go home
The overseas boarder stays behind—often alone , with minimal adult care
The child learns quickly that nobody is tracking their emotional state
Academic performance drops—not because of laziness, but because the nervous system is overwhelmed

At one point Andrew says he felt like he could “disappear and nobody would notice.” That sentence alone captures a core feature of boarding trauma: the sense that your existence is not emotionally held by anyone.

“What is your problem?”

One of the most haunting moments in the episode is Andrew’s memory of a teacher calling him in early, not to help, but to humiliate and reprimand him.

That phrase— “What is your problem?” —became an internal echo for decades.

This is how shame becomes installed:

Not through one big dramatic event
But through repeated experiences of confusion + isolation + contempt
Where the child concludes: “Something is wrong with me.”

For many boarders, this shame later expresses as:

Perfectionism
Anxiety and depression
Difficulty trusting relationships
A relentless need to “prove” worth through achievement

Boarding school syndrome, complex trauma, and dissociation

Andrew explores an important question: Was this “boarding school syndrome” even though he attended for just one year? Or is it complex trauma layered on top of intergenerational and family trauma?

What’s striking is that the symptoms match , regardless of the label:

Abandonment wound
Emotional shutdown / dissociation (Andrew describes “stopping talking” and observing life from a distance)
Strategic survival behaviours
Relationship discomfort and fear of abandonment in adulthood

This episode is a reminder: it’s not the length of time that determines impact—it’s the intensity of isolation, powerlessness, and lack of safe attachment.

Intergenerational trauma: when parents carry war inside them

A unique element of Andrew’s story is his family history. His parents were Polish, shaped by World War II trauma, loss, and displacement (including the shadow of atrocities such as the Katyn massacre). They believed sending him to Westminster was “safety” and “opportunity.”

And yet, this is how trauma can pass down:

Parents who endured unspeakable suffering may become driven by security, status, and survival
The child becomes the “project” that must succeed
Emotional needs can be unintentionally sidelined
A prestigious school becomes a symbolic rescue plan

Andrew is compassionate toward his parents—but clear about the cost.

The hidden truth about elite boarding culture

Andrew also talks about what many people eventually discover when they research the system:

Boarding schools are deeply tied to class networks and social reproduction
Much of the power sits behind closed doors
And the culture often prioritizes outcomes (Oxbridge placements, reputation) over emotional wellbeing—especially for those who are struggling

He also raises an intriguing point: schools may claim they promote “non-conformity,” but many boarders experience the opposite— conformity as survival .

Writing therapy: a practical pathway to healing

A central takeaway from this episode is Andrew’s emphasis on writing as healing .

He describes how writing previous books helped him feel as if “a ball and chain” fell away—and how publishing his Westminster story finally placed the trauma somewhere else, instead of inside his body and mind every day.

He’s also careful: writing can be powerful, but it can be re-traumatizing if unsupported. Still, he offers writing as a simple, accessible starting point.

Examples include:

Journaling
Unsent letters
Dialogue writing
Memoir fragments
“What I wish someone had said to me” writing

If you’re a survivor of boarding, adoption, institutional life, or childhood separation, this part of the episode is worth the listen on its own.

AEM Podcast #83 The Hidden Cost of Boarding School: Healing the Body and Mind After Emotional Separation

Mon, 24 Nov 2025 10:00:39 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) The Hidden Cost of Boarding School: Healing the Body and Mind After Emotional Separation AEM #83 Michael Davitt

For some, boarding school symbolizes opportunity and discipline.

Yet beneath the surface lies a hidden emotional cost — one that can shape an entire lifetime.

In AEM #83, Piers Cross sits down with Michael Davitt to explore the lasting effects of Boarding School Syndrome — the emotional and relational challenges faced by those sent away from home as children.

Michael speaks candidly about the survival strategies children adopt in response to early separation: emotional numbing, independence at all costs, and the suppression of vulnerability.

These adaptations may bring success in adulthood — but often at the price of emotional disconnection, burnout, and unfulfilled relationships.

Through years of personal and professional insight, Michael shares how healing begins by learning to reconnect with the body, express emotion safely, and develop genuine compassion for the self.

Recovery is not about revisiting the past for its own sake, but about reclaiming what was lost — our capacity to feel, to love, and to belong.

This episode is a powerful reminder that true leadership and well-being begin with emotional honesty .

Healing the wounds of the past allows us to lead, live, and love from a place of wholeness.

AEM Podcast #82 The Hidden Cost of Girls’ Boarding Schools: Healing from Depression, Addiction & Emotional Disconnection

Mon, 17 Nov 2025 10:00:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) The Hidden Cost of Girls’ Boarding Schools: Healing from Depression, Addiction & Emotional Disconnection AEM #82 Person Irresponsible (PI)

What happens when emotional survival becomes a lifelong habit?

In Episode #82 of An Evolving Man, Piers Cross speaks with Person Irresponsible , author of Inappropriate Behaviour, about her journey through girls’ boarding school trauma , mental health struggles , and addiction recovery .

Like many third culture children , she grew up moving between countries and cultures, finding stability only in the rigid routines of boarding school — a place that promised safety but demanded emotional self-suppression.

She describes how separation from home and family led to a deep disconnection from her feelings, and how that emotional freezing later expressed itself as depression, addiction, and self-criticism. Over time, this suppression became a pattern — one that shaped every aspect of adult life.

Through therapy, writing, and emotional integration, she began to reconnect with her body and emotions, learning that healing is not about erasing the past but reclaiming the parts of herself that had been exiled in childhood.

“You learn to cope by detaching,” she reflects. “But real freedom begins when you learn to feel again.”

The conversation between Piers Cross and Person Irresponsible invites a powerful reflection for anyone raised in environments that prized achievement over emotion.

It explores:

How early emotional neglect shapes adult behaviour
The link between perfectionism, addiction, and suppressed emotion
Why awareness and compassion are the first steps to healing

Ultimately, this episode is not just about pain — it’s about integration .

It’s about learning to hold the parts of ourselves that were once silenced, and finding the courage to live from authenticity rather than adaptation.

If you were educated away from home, raised between cultures, or have ever felt the lingering echoes of emotional disconnection, this conversation offers both insight and hope.

AEM Podcast #81 Abolish Eton | Why We Do Not Need Elitism in Education | Dr Sol Gamsu

Mon, 10 Nov 2025 00:00:05 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) Abolish Eton | Why We Do Not Need Elitism in Education | AEM #81 Dr Sol Gamsu

In this powerful conversation, I speak with Dr Sol Gamsu , Assistant Professor of Sociology at Durham University and co-founder of the Labour Against Private Schools campaign, about the deep roots of elitism and inequality in the British education system — and why it’s time to abolish Eton.

Dr Gamsu’s research reveals stark disparities: at Marlborough College, income per pupil reaches £64,000 per year, compared to £5,500 in nearby state schools.

These inequalities aren’t just economic — they’re cultural and psychological, shaping who holds power and whose voices matter.

“The British ruling class has been reproducing itself through elite schools for 150 years,” Gamsu explains. “Education should be about potential, not privilege.”

We explore how the charitable status of private schools — originally intended to educate the poor — now protects the wealthy, and how the Labour Party’s 2019 motion to integrate private schools into the state system was a historic turning point.

Dr Gamsu also shares insights from his ongoing research on the colonial and slave-trade origins of many elite schools, and how these institutions still carry that legacy today — in both wealth and worldview.

Together we discuss:

The economic and moral case for reform
How inequality is reinforced by architecture, networks, and “old boys’” privilege
The link between elitism, trauma, and emotional disconnection in leadership
Practical steps for change — from ending charitable status to forming local education equity groups

As Dr Gamsu reminds us, “If we want a more compassionate, equal society, we must challenge the education system that keeps it divided.”

AEM Podcast #80 Paul Hughes What's Not Working in Modern Education & What We Can Do - Academies | OFSTED

Mon, 03 Nov 2025 17:11:25 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #80 Paul Hughes | What’s Not Working in Modern Education – And How We Can Fix It

In this powerful conversation, I speak with Paul Hughes , former teacher, department head, and co-founder of Parent Guide to GCSE, about what’s really happening inside the modern education system — and how we can start to fix it.

Paul spent over sixteen years teaching, initially loving the profession. But after the rise of academisation and years of austerity, he saw the culture of education shift from caring about students to chasing targets and cutting costs.

“It went from being all about the students to all about the bottom line,” Paul explains.

From Passion to Pressure: The Changing Face of Teaching

When schools were converted into academies, Paul witnessed firsthand how bureaucracy, financial constraints, and endless inspections drained the joy and creativity out of teaching.
Funding cuts meant fewer resources, larger class sizes, and even school trips being cancelled because the bus couldn’t be afforded.

Teachers lost autonomy. Arts and sports — the soul of a child’s education — were pushed aside for exam-driven performance metrics.

“We used to take students to forests for team-building. Then to the park. Then… we couldn’t afford to go anywhere.”

Ofsted and the Culture of Fear

One of Paul’s most passionate points is about Ofsted, which he calls “the Office for Terrorising Teachers.”

He describes how the inspection system creates fear, damages morale, and focuses on one-day snapshots instead of genuine learning and well-being.

A single negative mark can devastate a teacher’s confidence — or even a whole school’s reputation.

The Mental-Health Crisis in Students

Beyond teachers, students themselves are struggling.

Underfunded schools often lack the support staff, counsellors, and resources to help children with trauma, ADHD, or special educational needs.

Paul shares how many children now face chaotic home lives, bullying, hunger, or anxiety before even entering the classroom — and teachers are expected to cope without adequate support.

Private vs. State: The Inequality Gap

Paul and I also explore the growing divide between private and state education.

In private schools, annual spending can exceed £18,000 per pupil, compared to around £5,500 in state schools.

That difference shows up everywhere — from sports facilities to arts programs to mental-health provision.

As Paul puts it:

“The opportunities are just not comparable. It’s not just maths and English that make an education — it’s everything on the periphery that makes people who they are.”

What Needs to Change

Paul believes the future of education depends on:

Reforming Ofsted to prioritise learning and well-being over data and fear
Fair funding that restores arts, sport, and special-needs provision
Improved teacher pay and retention to rebuild morale and continuity
More parent involvement and emotional literacy in schools
Equality of access — because education should be a right, not a privilege

He also advocates for greater father engagement and family connection, both at home and in schools, to support teenagers emotionally and academically.

A Hopeful Future

Despite the challenges, Paul remains hopeful.
Through Parent Guide to GCSE, he and his wife Emily are helping parents better support their teenagers — offering resources, mentoring, and guidance through the stress of exams and adolescence.

“We can’t fix the system overnight,” he says. “But we can help parents and students navigate it better — and that’s where change begins.”

AEM Podcast #79 Dr Naomi Fisher – "Boarding School Is Developmentally Damaging" Leading Clinical Psychologist

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 09:00:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #79

Leading Clinical Psychologist: "Boarding School Is Developmentally Damaging" | Dr Naomi Fisher

On today's conversation I speak with Dr Naomi Fisher who is a clinical psychologist.

In this episode we explore trauma, child development, education and self-directed learning.

What is trauma? How might trauma show up as an adult.

She also talk about the modern education system. What is it like? What needs to change?

We also delve into boarding schools. What is the opinion of a clinical psychologist, who specialises in education, about boarding schools? Dr Fisher also attended boarding school in her sixth form. What was her experience like?

---

Dr Naomi Fisher is an independent clinical psychologist and EMDR-Europe trainer. She specialises in trauma, autism and alternative approaches to education. She works with children, adolescents and adults.

She is the author of Changing our Minds: How Children Can Take Control of their Own Learning (Robinson, 2021) and A Different Way to Learn: Neurodiversity and Self-Directed Education (JKP, 2023).

Questions for Naomi:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please talk about trauma and child development? How does trauma impact a child?
How might these trauma symptoms show up as an adult?
In one interview you mentioned “School is restricting children from a natural developmental process.” Could you please explain and expand? Is school the best way to educate your child?
What is your assessment of modern day schools? What needs to change?
In your clinical experience what do you think of boarding schools?
In my research it seems that no child development theory suggests that taking children away from parents is a good thing. If this is true, why do you think that we still say that boarding school is 'the making of us.'
What is neurodiversity?
What is a different way to learn? What is self-directed learning?
What is your vision for the future regarding education of our children?
How do people learn more about you?

To learn more about Dr Fisher and her work please visit: https://www.naomifisher.co.uk/

#trauma #childdevelopment #boardingschool #educationsystem #education #neurodiversity

AEM Podcast #78 Marcus Gottlieb – Sexuality in Boarding Schools/ Working With Gay Boarding School Survivors

piers@piers-cross.com — Wed, 25 Sep 2024 15:41:13 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #78

Marcus Gottlieb – Sexuality in Boarding Schools/ Working With Gay Boarding School Survivors

Today I am speaking with Marcus Gottlieb about sexuality in boarding schools. He talks about his experience of working with gay, lesbian and bisexual ex-boarders.

He also talks about how boarding school was like “a penal colony on Mars” for him. He talks about fagging , being given sedatives as a home sickness medicine , what boarding school syndrome is and how it impacts adults.

A really fascinating conversation where I learned so much about sexuality in boarding schools.

I also share my own experiences of sexuality in my own boarding school.

---

Marcus Gottlieb is an experienced psychotherapist of humanistic and integrative orientation. He is registered with the UK Council for Psychotherapy and accredited by the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. One half of his practice is supporting boarding school survivors.

Questions for Marcus:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please talk about boarding school syndrome. What is it and how does it impact adults?
How was your boarding school experience like?
Boarding schools claim to instil 'character', self-confidence and self-reliance. Do you agree? What is your clinical experience?
What are some of the symptoms of boarding school syndrome as an adult?
Could you talk about the impact of sexuality in a boarding school setting?
How does boarding school impact us sexually, especially if we are gay, lesbian or bisexual? “...all experienced their schools as profoundly homophobic environments.” P.20
Why is it difficult for gay men and women to come to terms with their boarding school experience?
Other areas to talk about:
The double bind
How the body restricts itself – throat, chest
Denying and ignoring the needs of the body
If our leaders who have attended BS have denied and ignored their own needs how might that manifest when they are looking after a whole country?
Timetabling
The lack of privacy
BS seem to “produce compliant conformists and sabotaging rebels.”
“repressive, austere, joyless institutions from which everything tactile, sensual or voluptuous was deliberately excluded.” P.20

To reach out to Marcus or learn more about his work please visit either: https://nottinghilltherapy.co.uk/

Or: https://www.bodyinmind.london/

Or the website: https://boardingrecovery.com/

AEM Podcast #77 Sarah Ockwell Smith | “Because I Said So!” | Childism | Why Society Is Childist & How To Break The Cycle of Discrimination

piers@piers-cross.com — Tue, 24 Sep 2024 14:19:11 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #77

Sarah Ockwell-Smith | “Because I Said So!” | Childism | Why Society Is Childist & How To Break The Cycle of Discrimination

In this episode, with bestselling parenting author, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, we talk about childism.

What is childism ? Sarah shares that childism is the “unconscious discrimination of children in our world " – and why it impacts everybody.

Why are we childist as a society ? Why do we not take care of our children especially in terms of discipline and sleep regimes ?

Sarah talks about her new book, “Because I Said So!” about the history of childism and .

She also shares her thoughts about boarding school. Is boarding school childist?

A really fascinating discussion.

---

Sarah Ockwell-Smith is a well known parenting expert and a highly regarded popular childcare author who writes about the psychology and science of parenting.

Sarah specialises in ‘gentle parenting’ (she is often credited as being the founder of the movement) and childism (the unconscious discrimination of children in society today).

Sarah has authored 14 parenting books, translated into over 30 languages, which have sold over half a million copies.

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please explain the core principle behind your new book, “Because I Said So!”? What is the book about? What's the main message?
Chapter 2: P.30: Historically, how have we treated children in the UK?
Chapter 3-4: Has this changed now? If not, what is still happening especially regarding discipline and sleep?
P.153: Cognitive dissonance: Why do people dismiss the idea of childism and get angry about it?
Boarding schools: On one of your Twitter posts you wrote (talking about facing up to denial around childhood distress: “This is very needed and you’re so right; the pain of finding out something you’ve done to your child may have hurt them in some way means the default setting is denial , dismissal and constant ad hominem attacks on the messenger. I would love to see the end of boarding schools.” Do you feel that boarding schools are childist?
P.88: “ Politicians, ultimately, have control over almost every element of a child’s life.” Could it be that the reason our leaders are childist is due to their upbringings in these boarding school institutions? Many of our leaders received abuse, bullying and neglect in these schools e.g. David Cameron lost a stone in weight age 7 or 8, there was sexual abuse going on when Boris Johnson was at prep school.
P152: “People raised on love see things differently than those raised on survival.” Joy Marino, Author. Nick Duffell: “ Every single child when they arrive in a boarding institution - they have to survive. And they have to survive without their parents.”
Could you please talk about the UNCRC (UN Convention on the Rights of Children)? Why does there seem to be such a divide between children's and adults rights?
Why is our eduction system not fit for purpose?
What is the solution? How do we become a cycle breaker?

To connect to Sarah's website please visit: https://sarahockwell-smith.com/

To connect to her on Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheBabyExpert

For her latest book, Because I Said So!: https://sarahockwell-smith.com/because-i-said-so/

To purchase her books: https://sarahockwell-smith.com/sarahs-books/

AEM Podcast #76 Pat Mills | Creator Judge Dredd | Catholic Church Sexual Abuse| IICSA | RLSS

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 17 Jun 2024 09:51:52 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #76

Pat Mills | Creator of Judge Dredd

Talks About Catholic Church Sexual Abuse | IICSA | RLSS

Please note that some listeners might find this episode triggering. We cover some subjects which some people might find upsetting to hear.

In this episode, the creator of Judge Dredd and 2000AD talks about his experiences of attending a Catholic private school in the UK.

He shares his experiences of child sexual abuse while there. What happened?

He also shares a lot of the back story around the abuse in the Catholic Church. Why has it gone on for so long?

He talks about the safeguarding operations that the Catholic Church has put in and how effective they are, the RLSS, the CSSA.

He also talks about the Knights of St Columbus and the Masons.

---

Patrick Eamon Mills is an English comics writer and editor (who, along with John Wagner, revitalised British boys comics in the 1970s, and has remained a leading light in British comics ever since.

He has been called "the godfather of British comics". His comics are notable for their violence and anti-authoritarianism.

He is best known for creating 2000 AD and playing a major part in the development of Judge Dredd who was inspired by some of the abusive and violent monks at his Catholic boys' school. He also writes film treatments and screenplays, novels, and features, notably on World War One and is known for the documentary drama, Charley's War .

All of his stories are about fighting abusive authority figures. Pat would also be described as a whistleblower. He's got a really insightful grasp of the structure of the Roman Catholic Church, and how its highly organised structure has enabled a network of paedophiles to operate within it. He's working hard to expose this and make it more transparent to others.

Questions:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
When did you first realise that love of writing comics?
Could you please talk a little about your upbringing at Catholic Schools? What was being at Catholic schools like?
At what point did you start to uncover and realise what had gone on at school?
You started a website of survivors of abuse from your school. When did you realise that you weren't the only one to have suffered abuse? How did that feel to not be the only one?
How has the Catholic Church responded in your opinion to the claims of sexual abuse? Why do you think this is the case?
What about St Joseph's and the De Salle Brothers? How have they handled the claims against them?
What advice would you give to people who were abused at school either day or boarding who now want to speak up?
Why is that so few people who were abused are willing to speak up? How can we change the system so that it becomes part of our culture to whistleblow when abuse or bad things have happened?
Could you please talk a little about the RLSS? How is this organisation supporting abuse survivors?
Could you talk about the financial exploitation of the Global South? What did you learn in your research?
In an interview I listened to you mentioned that children still in danger from the Catholic Church? Why is this? Have things not changed?

#sexualabuse #childabuse #stjosephsipswich #trauma #patmills #catholicabuse

To connect to Pat's website please visit: https://patmills.wordpress.com/

AEM Podcast #75 Nicky Moxey | Third Culture Kids| ACES| Adverse Childhood Experiences| Military Brats| Boarding School Syndrome

Fri, 24 May 2024 10:15:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #75

Nicky Moxey | Third Culture Kids| ACES|

Adverse Childhood Experiences| Military Brats|

Boarding School Syndrome for Women and Girls

What are third culture kids? And what about military brats? And how does that link to boarding schools?

Today I am speaking with author, Nicky Moxey about what third culture kids are.

Nicky grew up in Africa but was sent to boarding school in the UK.

She talks about the three different types of third culture kid - military, mercantile and missionary.

What is the difference between the three and why do third culture kids seem to struggle the most at boarding school?

---

Nicky Moxey is an author, an amateur historian and archaeologist who lives in the middle of rural Suffolk, UK. She is currently writing and editing a book about boarding school and has published several historical fiction books.

Questions:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please speak about your boarding school experiences. How was it for you? When did you fully realise the impact it had had on your life?
Could you please talk about ACES, Adverse Childhood Experiences? What are they? What is the impact of them on children and the adults they become?
Could you talk about the cross over between ACES and boarding school please? Is there any overlap and if so what is it?
Could you please talk about Third Culture Kids. What does that mean?
Could you please talk about your new book about boarding school? What is it about and what is the message of the book?
Could you also please talk about the new book about boarding schools, The Trunk in the Hall by Penny Cavenaugh? What did you think about the book?
How do people find out more about your work?

#aces #boardingschoolsyndrome #adversechildhoodexperiences #thirdculturekids #tck

To visit Nicky's website please visit: https://nickymoxey.com/

To buy Nicky's books please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=nicky+moxey&crid=98YVPH9QKK1O&sprefix=nicky+mox%2Caps%2C361&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_9

AEM Podcast #74 Childhood Neglect | Child Abuse | Attachment Theory | Boarding School | Professor David Howe

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 20 May 2024 10:00:16 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #74

Childhood Neglect | Child Abuse |

Attachment Theory | Boarding School |

Professor David Howe

David Howe is a retired Professor and Dean for the School of Social Work and Psychosocial Sciences at the University of East Anglia, Norwich.

He is the author of many books in the field of child abuse and neglect , including A ttachment Theory for Social Work Practice and Child Abuse and Neglect.

Questions:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please speak about neglect. What is it?
Could you please talk a little about attachment. What is attachment and how important is good enough attachment for children?
Could you please talk about why researchers are saying “ child neglect has a more severe and adverse impact on children’s development than abuse.” (P.111)
What are some of the symptoms that might show up to signify a child is being neglected?
And might some of the symptoms be for an adult who was neglected as a child?
Below is a quote from your book combined with a quote from a biography. I would love for you to speak to this and about physical neglect: “The broad characteristics of physical neglect are familiar to most childcare practitioners. Nutrition can be poor. Clothes are old or dirty or too big. Bedrooms are sparsely furnished and cold. Children are left unsupervised and under stimulated.” David Howe Child Abuse and Neglect, P.111 “ The food was spartan. I lost a stone in weight during a single term (7-8 years old). There was one meal that consisted of curry, rice – and maggots. In the school grounds were woods and a lake where we could play unsupervised in green boiler suits - it is something of a miracle that no one drowned.” DC P.21
I would love you to talk about this from your book: “Our evidence supports the hypothesis that the most severe psychological conflicts arise from neglect.” Ney, Fung and Wicket 1994) P.111
Another quote from your book and a biography: “Take away our affective links with others and we feel vulnerable, alone and distressed.” P.112 “ I missed mum and dad terribly, and on the occasional night where I felt this the worst, I remember trying to muffle my tears in my pillow whilst the rest of the dormitory slept. “ In fact I was not alone in doing this. Almost everyone cried, but we all learnt to hide it, and those who didn’t were the ones who got bullied.” BG P.58
Could you please talk about emotional neglect. What does emotional neglect look like?
Another quote from your book about feeling safe: “...the most basic of these (needs) is children’s need to feel safe; that at times of danger, the caregiver is able and willing to provide protection. Feeling unprotected is frightening, and fear is the most primitive, powerful and dysregulating of the emotions.” P.113 “ When I hit (boarding) school, suddenly all I felt was fear. Fear forces you to look tough on the outside, but makes you weak on the inside. ” BG P.58 “ But what made me most scared wasn’t just being away from home - it was the bullying.” BG P.60

#neglect #childabuse #childhoodneglect #trauma

To buy David's books please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=david+howe&crid=3F9I74L1F8SFC&sprefix=david+howe%2Caps%2C263&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

AEM Podcast #73 Surviving Narcissism & Codependency: Richard Grannon's Life-Changing Advice

piers@piers-cross.com — Fri, 17 May 2024 09:58:14 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #73

Surviving Narcissism & Codependency:

Richard Grannon's Life-Changing Advice

Richard Grannon shares today about narcissism, codependency and his experiences growing up in Portugal and then in boarding school.

How was it for him?

He also talks about his experiences of martial arts and what he learned from training in different martial forms.

He talks about narcissism, codependency, and complex PTSD.

He also shares about 1984 and some of the psychology of that story.

A really fascinating episode, thank you Richard.

---

Richard Grannon is a leading author and one of the internet's leading teachers about narcissism and codependency with over 70 million views on YouTube and 500,000 subscribers.

He is passionate about helping others defend themselves, get back on their feet, and finally free themselves from narcissistic abuse.

Drawing on numerous forms of psychotherapy, including NLP, cognitive behavioral therapy, zen meditation, psychodynamics, and more, Grannon’s unique methodology offers a direct, practical solution to help narcissistic abuse victims reclaim their self-worth.

He is the author of the book, A Cult of One.

Some areas to explore:

I would love for you to share how you got into the work that you now do?
Could you please introduce narcissism and codependency? What are they and how do they show up in people and relationships? (P.14)
What are some of the symptoms of narcissism? (P.78)
Other areas for exploration:
Your boarding school experiences and how it impacted you.
Boarding schools and narcissism
Narcissism and our leaders
Consumer capitalism and how it teaches us greed and immaturity (P.82)
The psychology of combatives and martial arts – what did martial arts teach you
People pleasers and the 15 traits (P. 63)
The Golden Child (can do no wrong) / Black Sheep (“who cannot do anything right” (P.66)
The difference between PTSD and Complex PTSD
NPD “It was seen as excessive self-admiration rooted in a failure to develop feelings of love outwards in childhood.”) P.66)
Narcissistic abuse
How do people find out more about your work?

#narcissism #narcissisticabuse #codependency #trauma #boardingschool

To reach out to Richard please visit her website: https://www.richardgrannon.com/

On Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/richard.grannon.spartanlifecoach

On Twitter: https://twitter.com/GrannonRichard

To buy his books please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cult-One-Deprogram-Yourself-Narcissistic/dp/B0BSGCR6XR/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=richard+grannon+books&qid=1689696550&sprefix=richard+gr%2Caps%2C221&sr=8-1

AEM Podcast #72 Trauma, Sex, Relationships, Shame, & Healing | Yuval Mann

piers@piers-cross.com — Wed, 13 Mar 2024 17:45:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #72

Trauma, Sex, Relationships, Shame, & Healing |

Yuval Mann

Sexual Teacher Talks About

How We Recover From Sexual Shame

On today's podcast I am speaking with Yuval Mann about many fascinating areas around sex and relationships.

How do we deal with feelings of sexual shame that we may have carried from childhood ?

Yuval talks about the importance of coming back into the body and slowing down .

A really fascinating episode.

Yuval Mann is the founder of the Sensual Alchemy School Of Integrated Sexuality and he's spent well over 10,000 hours learning, experimenting, exploring, and teaching people about sex and love. He also hosts the Sensual Alchemy Podcast.

Areas that we explore:

I would love for you to share how you got into the work that you now do?
Could you please talk about some of your journey through trauma and sex? What did you learn? How did you start to heal your trauma around sexuality?
Could you please talk about feelings? How important are they as a compass of raw, evolutionary aliveness?
Some areas to talk about:
Sex, Kabbalah and mysticism – sacred sexuality
Porn addiction
Masturbation and self-pleasuring
The belief that sex is a sin
Feeling and emotions
Vulnerability
The importance of coming back to our bodies
The importance of touch – skin hunger
Shame and sex
Dissociation
Self-pleasuring

To find Yuval on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@yuvalmann

To visit his website: https://yuvalman.com/

AEM Podcast #71 Mervin Canham – Childhood Trauma & Addictions

piers@piers-cross.com — Wed, 06 Mar 2024 17:23:36 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #71

Mervin Canham – Childhood Trauma & Addictions

Addictions Specialist Talks About Recovery

and Men's Mental Health

What does the journey of recovery from addictions look like? And how can spending time in group help the recovery process?

Mervin Canham is an addictions specialist and co-leader at The Mankind Project (MKP) . The MKP is an organisation aimed at changing the world one man at a time, allowing men to touch a piece of their shadow by being vulnerable with other men.

Questions to ask:

I would love for you to share how you got into the work that you now do?
Could you please talk about addictions and addiction recovery. What was your recovery journey like and how did you get clean?
What was it like as a boy growing up in South Africa? What were you taught? You mentioned in another podcast that you lost your brother to suicide? How was that?
Could you talk about men's work and the Mankind Project? What have you learned from your years in the MKP?
Other areas to talk about:
Vulnerability
Crying
Mission and purpose
Confidentiality
I Statements
10 Day Silent Retreat
Men's circles and sitting in circles
Trauma and addictions
How do people find out more about your work?

#addictionrecovery #mankindproject #mensmentalhealth #tears

Connect with Mervin Canham:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brothershabazz/
Face b ook: https://www.facebook.com/mervin.canham
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mervin-canham-16237722b/

AEM Podcast #70 Alan Clements: Buddhist Insights Into War, Extreme Conflict, Trauma, and Dictatorships

piers@piers-cross.com — Fri, 22 Dec 2023 10:00:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #70 -

Alan Clements

Buddhist Insights Into War, Extreme Conflict,

Trauma, and Dictatorships

Today I am delighted to be speaking to Alan Clements. Alan, who is an author and an ex-Buddhist monk talks today about his journeys as a monastic in war-torn Burma now Myanmar.

He shares some of the wisdom he learned livin g in the jungles of Sri Lanka and Burma and his work as a journalist interviewing many of the political prisoner of Bur ma.

He also shares some of the insights into war, extreme conflict and trauma. A very enlightening conversation.

---

Alan Clements is a satirist, performing artist, former Buddhist monk , and investigative journalist in areas of war and extreme conflict. He is also the author of numerous books, a spoken word album, and the subject of a feature documentary film ’Spiritually Incorrect'. His latest book is 'Extinction Rated: An auto fictional satire about good and evil'.

Some areas to talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please speak to the experiences of trauma that you have been through in your life? What have you seen, experienced and learned?
Could you talk about some of the spiritual insights you had as a monk and in your life?
Could you please speak to the mindset of totalitarianism? What is radical cohersion?
Could you please speak about meeting and interviewing Aung San Suu Kyi?
Genocide – what did you learn about what you saw in Burma and Srebrenica?
Could you please talk about the Buddha's Four Noble Truth. Why is this such an important teaching?
How do people learn more about your work or reach out?

#trauma #conflict #buddhism #genocide #spirituallyincorrect

To learn more about Alan's work please visit: http://www.worlddharma.com/

Or to buy his books on Amazon please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Alan-Clements/e/B001JRVBBK?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_2&qid=1687192808&sr=8-2

AEM Podcast #69 - Jane Evans - Childhood Trauma Through Polyvagal Theory & Subconscious Belief Lens

piers@piers-cross.com — Fri, 15 Dec 2023 10:00:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #69 -

Jane Evans

Childhood Trauma Through Polyvagal Theory

& Subconscious Belief Lens

What does neuroscience say about trauma? And what does childhood trauma look like through the lens of polyvagal theory and subconscious beliefs?

Today I am speaking with leading coach and trauma expert, Jane Evans to talk about these subjects. She shares some of her journey working with children and in fostering and the impact of childhood trauma. She also shares how we can start to heal from this trauma.

---

Jane Evans is the co-creator of Healing Together, a multi-award-winning social enterprise supporting young people & families to access early trauma-informed help.

Jane is known internationally for her work with parents and children and is an expert in childhood trauma. She’s also the author of a number of books which help adults explore and discuss difficult issues with children including one on domestic abuse called 'How Are You Feeling Today Baby Bear?'

Questions to ask:

I would love for you to share how you got into the work that you now do?
Could you please talk about childhood trauma. What is it and how does it impact firstly a child and then the adult they become?
Could you please speak about the brain and how childhood trauma and abuse affects the brain? What does neuroscience says about trauma?
How might these patterns show up in adulthood?
I would love for you to share some of your experiences of fostering. How does trauma impact children in care?
Could you please talk about anxiety and childhood trauma? Why is that many people who had childhood trauma struggle with anxiety?
What are some of the techniques for dealing with childhood trauma?
What about for anxiety? What are some of the techniques that you have found most powerful?
How has Covid and lockdown affected children?
A lot of the work I do is around boarding school and the trauma it creates. Many of our leaders went to boarding school. How might that impact their decision making in your opinion?
How do people find out more about your work?

#fostering #polyvagaltheory #trauma #childhoodtrauma #anxiety

To reach out to Jane please visit her website: https://thejaneevans.com/

On Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Parentingbeyondanxiety

On Twitter: https://twitter.com/janeparenting2

To buy her book please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Meerkats-Big-Panic-Learning/dp/1785927035/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=jane+evans&qid=1688653676&sr=8-1

And to watch her Ted X Talk: https://youtu.be/qKlzd-H2X9w

AEM Podcast #68 - Wendy Capewell – The Impact of Childhood Trauma On Your Relationship & Your Communication

piers@piers-cross.com — Sun, 10 Dec 2023 15:30:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #68 -

Wendy Capewell

Psychotherapist & Counsellor: The Impact of Childhood Trauma On Your Relationship & Your Communication

How does childhood trauma impact our relationships? How might these symptoms of childhood trauma show up in our lives?

On today's podcast I am speaking with a leading counsellor and psychotherapist, Wendy Capewell about just this topic. Wendy Capewell shares some of her own experiences and stories to help illuminate how impactful trauma is in our lives and how it effects our relationships.

---

Wendy Capewell is a fully qualified BACP Accredited Counsellor and Psychotherapist , with over 18 years of professional experience. She specialises in helping people with childhood trauma, anxiety, stress and r elationships and was a volunteer Counsellor at a Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre for 5 years . She is the author of the book Surviving to Thriving in Relationships

Questions to ask:

I would love for you to share how you got into the work that you now do?
Could you please talk about childhood trauma. What is it and how does it impact firstly a child and then the adult they become?
How does trauma show up in relationships?
If we are struggling in relationships what are some of the things that you teach your clients to improve their relationships?
How do we improve communication in a relationship? What are some of the keys to good communication?
What can we do if we struggle to connect to our emotions in relationships? How do we learn to reconnect to our emotional household?
Could you please speak to anxiety. What is the underlying cause of anxiety? What are some of the key ways you teach others to help them to manage their anxiety?
Could you please talk to strategies to protect ourselves from being vulnerable?
How do people find out more about your work?

#relationships #trauma #childhoodtrauma

To reach out to Wendy please visit her website: https://www.wendycapewell.co.uk/

To buy her book please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Thriving-Romantic-Relationship-Reignite-ebook/dp/B01MRZDEJB/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2Z6O93C7XGH4M&keywords=wendy+capewell&qid=1686745415&sprefix=wendy+capewell%2Caps%2C636&sr=8-2

And to listen to her podcast please go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Listen-Talk-Repeat-Podcast-with-Wendy-Capewell/dp/B08JK2D3NL/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Wendy+Capewell&qid=1686745457&sr=8-1

For the Feeling Wheel: https://allthefeelz.app/feeling-wheel/

And the Ted X Talk with Jane Evans: https://youtu.be/qKlzd-H2X9w

AEM Podcast #67 - Shashi Solluna – How Trauma Impacts Your Relationship & What You Can Do.

piers@piers-cross.com — Fri, 08 Dec 2023 11:35:56 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #67 -

Shashi Solluna

Leading Sexuality Teacher: Trauma & Relationships

How Trauma Impacts Your Relationship

& What You Can Do.

Her Experiences of Boarding School

Today I am speaking with one of the world's leading teachers in the world of relationships, sexuality and trauma.

Shashi Solluna is the author of Tantra Made Easy and teaches around the world at festivals and on retreats.

What a fascinating discussion with a woman who studied psychology at Oxford University and went to boarding school at sixth form.

How does trauma affect our relationships and what can we do to heal?

---

Shashi Solluna is the author of " Tantra Made Easy " published by Hay House . She has been teaching for over a decade and runs teacher trainings as well as being part of a team creating international tantra festivals. She is currently making a feature documentary Sex to Spirit following one man on his life-changing journey into Tantra.

ome areas to talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please talk a little about Tantra. What is it?
Why is the topic of trauma in relationships so important?
What do you define trauma as?
How can a couple work through trauma?
How might trauma reveal itself in intimacy?
Could our intimate relationships be one of the best places to heal our trauma?
Can you please explain why it is that we get triggered by the people we're closest to?
How do you know if you've had a trauma if you don't remember it?
How can you tell the difference between the freeze response and surrender?
I've noticed that a lot of people with trauma/ complex trauma struggle to stay present. How does someone who has been trained to not be present, become present again, especially in sex?
Could you speak a little about dissociation as well please? What can we do if we are often dissociated? How to move back into the body?
How do people learn more about your work or reach out?

To learn more about Shashi's work please visit: https://www.shashi-solluna.com

Or to learn more about her couples work with her partner Shahid Van Helden (who I interviewed here: https://youtu.be/9yS9QyI0nz0 ) please visit: https://www.thetantriccouple.com/ or https://www.livetantra.com/

AEM Podcast #66 -Richard Hughes – Time To Abolish Boarding Schools? Have Boarding Schools Changed?

piers@piers-cross.com — Wed, 11 Oct 2023 16:45:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #66 -

Richard Hughes

Psychotherapist: "Is It Time To Abolish Boarding Schools?

And have Boarding Schools Changed?"

In this episode we ask the question is it time to abolish boarding schools? Psychotherapist, Richard Hughes talks about his own experience of boarding school and working with clients.

Why have boarding schools not changed?

Why do boarding schools not offer “the love and care a child needs? ”

What can we do to start changing the system?

---

Richard Hughes is a qualified and accredited psychotherapist with the UK Council for Psychotherapy . He specialises in helping people in many areas. Some of these include: relationships, anxiety, depression, stress, and boarding school issues.

Some areas to talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please talk a little about attachment. What is good enough attachment?
You wrote an amazing article called Time to Abolish Boarding Schools on your blog. I would love you to talk more about that. What drew you to writing it?
What is the importance of the first day and night at boarding school, especially from an attachment lens? How was your first day/ night?
What were some of the survival methods that you employed at school? How did you start to undo these patterns and begin the healing journey?
How does boarding school impact our relationships with women? Could you describe a bit of how the school responded to the girls in the school?
“Boarding schools do not offer the love and care a child needs” Could you talk more about that please?
Boarding schools claim to be a safe and secure environment. What do you feel?
How does boarding school effect people later in adult life? What are some of the symptoms that you have seen?
So many of our leaders have been to boarding school. How might this effect how they run their businesses or government? What can we do to change this?
Could you please talk about food and nourishment? What was the food like for you at Prep school and how did that impact you?
How do people find out more about you?

To find out more about Richard please visit: https://www.richardhughestherapy.com/

To read Richard's blog please visit: https://www.richardhughestherapy.com/post/time-to-end-boarding-schools

AEM Podcast #65 - Dr Naomi Murphy – Leading Forensic Clinical Psychologist | Prisons | Men Managing Distress | Boarding Schools | Leaders

piers@piers-cross.com — Wed, 04 Oct 2023 16:30:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #65 -

Dr Naomi Murphy

Lea ding Forensic Clinical Psychologist | Prisons |

Men Managing Distress | Boarding Schools | Leaders

On today's show I am talking about prisons, men managing distress, boarding schools and our leaders with one of the UK's leading forensic clinical psychologists.

It's a fascinating discussion about Dr Naomi Murphy's work in the UK's secure prison units working with some of the most dangerous men. What did she learn? How did she teach these men to move from anger and violence to grief and healing ? How did she help these men to feel again?

We also talk about trauma and its relationship to violence and the prison system. We also talk about boarding school and how prison offers similarities to boarding school life and boarding school syndrome. We talk about how our leaders have been to boarding school and the impact that might have on the people they serve.

Very eye opening.

---

Dr Murphy is one of the UK’s most respected forensic clinical psychologists. Recently appointed Honorary Professor of Psychology at Nottingham Trent University, she qualified as a clinical psychologist in 1997 and as a consultant clinical psychologist in 2003.

She is also an accredited sensorimotor psychotherapist, NeurOptimal brain trainer and Safe & Sound Provider. She is also the co-editor of Treating Personality Disorder and co-host of the podcast The Locked Up Living Podcast.

Some of the areas that we talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you arrive at the work that you now do?
I would love for you to speak about trauma. What is it and how does it impact us psychologically?
What about trust? Do men trust? How do we cultivate more trust in our lives as men?
Women seem to be engaged in change whereas men seem to be more relectant to change. Could you please talk about that?
Vulnerability. Could you talk about how the prisoners changed once they started to be vulnerable?
Trauma informed society. We can't be trauma informed if we don't feel safe. Please speak to that?
The importance of sharing emotions
Could you please talk about what you understand about boarding school and how it might impact people. What if these people were the leaders of the country?
What's the research about boys being more needy than girls? How might this impact them if they are separated at a young age and put into an institution?
Why do men struggle so much?
Could the prison system in the UK and US be the way it is because the leaders of the country spent years in similar institutions? Whereas where there are few boarding schools like Finland or Sweden, the prison system is very kind and generative.
Where do people find out more about your work?

To find out more about Dr Murphy's work please visit: https://octopuspsychology.com

Or follow her on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/nmpsychologist

AEM Podcast #64 - Trish Brennan – Patriarchy Under The Spotlight | Relationship Issues | Vulnerability

piers@piers-cross.com — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 16:30:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #64 -

Trish Brennan

Patriarchy Under The Spotlight |

Relationship Issues | Vulnerability

In this episode I have an intriguing conversation between my wife, Michelle Silcox and author, Trish Brennan.

Here we explore patriarchy. What is it? And what is the impact of patriarchy on both women and men?

We also talk about relationships, intimacy and vulnerability and how these subjects are impacted by patriarchy.

Trish Brennan is the CEO & Principal Trainer of Leading Edge Communication. She coaches women who want to have more confidence in their relationships, be more assertive, establish healthy boundaries and radically improve the quality of their lives through enhanced communication and relationship skills. She is also the author of The Straight Talk.

Some areas to explore:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
What is your clarion call to men and women?
Could you tell us a bit about your Boys To Men work?
What do you feel is the healing work that men need to do?
What is the nature of patriarchal society?
Joint responsibility – what can both men and women do?
Emotions – what is the importance of men and women connecting to their emotions?
“Change should fall on adult men with power.” Jackson Katz
How do women crack open the hearts of their men?
How do people find out more about your work?

To learn more about Trish's work please visit: www.leadingedgecommunication.com/ www.thestraighttalkblog.com / www.ifthisisabuse.com

Or to buy her book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Straight-Talk-Exactly-Control-Precious/dp/B0C2RF57TB/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+straight+talk+trish+brennan&qid=1684166022&sprefix=trish+brenn%2Caps%2C871&sr=8-1

AEM Podcast #63 - Shahid Van Helden – Intimacy | Porn Addiction | Sex | Trauma | What is Tantra | Men

piers@piers-cross.com — Wed, 20 Sep 2023 16:04:24 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #63 -

Shahid Van Helden

Intimacy | Porn Addiction | Sex |

Trauma | What is Tantra | Men

In this episode of the podcast I have a fascinating conversation with Shahid Van Helden who is a men's sexuality teacher talking about tantra, sex, porn addiction and intimacy.

He also talks about presence and the three things that we need to do as men to become more present.

He also share some ideas for how we improve our love-making and our sex lives.

A really fascinating conversation.

---

Shahid Van Helden is a men's group, men's & couples' retreat and Tantra facilitator. Shahid has also trained in Tantra Massage & Bodywork. He runs couples retreats with his beloved, Shashi Solluna.

Some areas to talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please talk a little about Tantra. What is it?
If you are a man who has been through trauma or a dysfunctional upbringing especially regarding sex, how do we start to heal that?
It is said in personal development circles that it is women who do most of the inner work. How do we as men step up and start to examine our inner workings?
How do we cultivate presence?
How can we as men be vulnerable and not collapse?
Some men feel that they are not good enough especially regarding sex. What would you advise someone who comes to you with this problem?
Dissociation. Through trauma a man comes to you who has dissociated, especially in sex. They're always in their head. What are some of the practices that you teach men to be more embodied?
What do you suggest for men who have no ability for intimacy and no perceptible sex drive?
How do people learn more about your work or reach out?

To learn more about Shahid's work please visit: https://www.masteringtheartoflove.com/

Or to learn more about his couples work with his partner Shashi Solluna please visit: https://www.thetantriccouple.com/ or https://www.livetantra.com/

To learn more about Shahid's work please visit: https://www.masteringtheartoflove.com/

Or to learn more about his couples work with his partner Shashi Solluna please visit: https://www.thetantriccouple.com/ or https://www.livetantra.com/

AEM Podcast #62 - Gethin Aldous – “Our Vulnerability Is Our Superpower” Director & Producer of 'The Work' Prison Documentary

piers@piers-cross.com — Fri, 15 Sep 2023 11:00:01 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #62 -

Gethin Aldous

“Our Vulnerability Is Our Superpower”

Director & Producer of The Work Documentary

Today on the podcast I talk with a specialist in fatherhood. How do we make great fathers? What can we do to develop into a loving and supportive father?

“Our vulnerability is our superpower.” These words come from the co-director and executive producer of one of my favourite films, 'The Work'.

The Work is one of the most powerful films I have come across. It has me in tears every time.

What is it? The journey of three men visiting Folsom Prison to attend a four day men's retreat.

What unfolds is so beautiful. Grown men in tears . Some of the toughest men on the planet showing their vulnerability.

If they can do it, so can we. To watch the film please visit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEUHVVAPyTA

He also talks about one of his other films about the Brazilian Jujitsu Master Renzo Gracie called Renzo Gracie: Legacy: https://youtu.be/s3HrHJ_dQl0

---

Gethin Aldous is a film and video game maker who believes in the power of story to transform lives. He was co-director and executive producer of The Work documentary, winning a UK Grierson Award for Best International Documentary and Best Cinema Documentary.

He has also been honored with a Ron Herring Award by the Mankind Project USA. Gethin has been involved in men's work for over a decade and has staffed group therapy retreats at Folsom Prison with Inside Circles and Massachusetts Correctional Institution at Norfolk with the Jericho Circle.

Some of the areas to cover:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work that you now do?
How did the film The Work come about?
What for you were some of the gold from filming The Work?
What were some of the challenges?
It is six years since the film came out, what was the response to the film?
How was filming Renzo Gracie: Legacy?
How long did you film for?
What did you learn and what was some of the gold?
What were the challenges of filming this documentary?

To learn more about Gethin's work please visit: https://www.allkings.org/our-team/blog-post-title-one-2aw8j-actp8

Or his IMDB page: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0017634/?ref_=tt_ov_dr

AEM Podcast #61 - Jai Singh – Fatherhood: A Gift and a Humbling Crucible. How To Be A Dad in Modern Times

piers@piers-cross.com — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 11:00:01 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #61 -

Jai Singh

Fatherhood: A Gift and a Humbling Crucible.

How To Be A Dad in Modern Times

Today on the podcast I talk with a specialist in fatherhood. How do we make great fathers? What can we do to develop into a loving and supportive father?

Jai also talks about his own experience growing up with a boarding school father. What was that like? What did he learn?

A really powerful discussion.

---

Jai Singh is a men's coach and workshop leader who specialises in helping fathers find a deeper sense of purpose in their lives. He also runs a 10 week program for fathers, called The New King.

Some of the areas to cover:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work that you now do?
What are some of the challenges that men face as fathers in today's world?
Could you please talk a little about marriage and fatherhood as a crucible for personal growth and evolution?
Could you please speak to conscious masculinity in the context of fatherhood?
How do we start to create a life of purpose and passion as a father?
If you are happy to talk about this I would love to hear your experience of growing up with a father who went to boarding school. How was it?
How do we as men and father deal with being triggered in our roles as Dads?
What is the importance for us to have a relationship with ourselves before we begin having a relationship with our family? How do you help men to do this?
What are some of the practices you get men to do?
What is a healthy King in your eyes. How do we cultivate that as fathers?
How do we shoulder greater responsibility?
How do people learn more about your work or reach out?

To learn more about Jai work's please visit: https://www.awakened-masculine.com

Call booking page: https://www.awakened-masculine.com/call
Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@awakenedmasculine55
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the.awakened.masculine/

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men and women who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school syndrome and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #60 - Dr Anabel Gonzalez – Leading Psychiatrist Talks Complex Trauma, Dissociation & Boarding School Syndrome

piers@piers-cross.com — Fri, 01 Sep 2023 14:00:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #60 -

Dr Anabel Gonzalex PhD

Leading Psychiatrist Talks Complex Trauma,

Dissociation & Boarding School Syndrome

"Maybe Without Boarding Schools The History of Humanity Would Be Very Different"

In this episode I speak with author and psychiatrist, Dr Anabel Gonzalez about complex trauma, dissociation and boarding school.

She gives her clinical opinion about the impact of boarding school and how "you have to live your entire life in a survival mode."

Anabel Gonzalez, M. D., Ph. D. works as a psychiatrist and psychotherapist in the Public Mental Health System. She coordinates the Trauma and Dissociation Program in the Severe Mental Disorders Service s of the University Hospital of A Coruña, and has a broad clinical experience with Dissociative Disorders and Complex Trauma.

Trained in different psychotherapeutic approaches, she has been working with EMDR since 1999 and is an EMDR trainer. Anabel Gonzalez is President of the Spanish EMDR Association and she is author of several articles, presentations, and books

Some areas and questions to explore:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work that you now do?
Could you please explain more about the difference between trauma and complex trauma?
Could you please talk a little about attachment and the importance of secure attachment in childhood?
What is dissociation? Why does dissociation happen with trauma?
In the UK we have normalised sending children to boarding school from the ages of 5, 8 or 11. As a psychiatrist who specialises in trauma, attachment & dissociation what is your clinical opinion of this practice? Might the breaking of attachment at this age and putting children into a loveless institution potentially create complex trauma? And if so what might that impact me on the child, and the adult? What if these adults were in charge of government? Might that effect those around them?
You mention in your book that people with dissociation, “feel, think or do things that are quite different from what they would like to do.” Could this explain why so many leaders who have been to boarding school act in a contradictory way? Because of complex trauma?
What might the impact be on a child who is left in an institution by their caregiver for long periods of time and told that this will be good for them? When the reality turns out to be very different how might this impact the child.
What are the key tools you use with clients to help them overcome dissociation?
Could you please talk about the importance of making mistakes in the healing of complex trauma? I really love this idea
In your clinical opinion, what can we do about the boarding school situation? And our leaders?
What are some of the solutions to complex trauma?
How do people find out more about your work?

To buy Dr Gonzalez's books please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Its-not-Understanding-Attachment-Dissociation/dp/8409066866/ref=sr_1_1?qid=1679737611&refinements=p_27%3AAnabel+Gonzalez&s=books&sr=1-1&text=Anabel+Gonzalez

To learn more about her work: https://anabelgonzalez.es/

---

AEM Podcast #59 - Joss Goulden – "Boarding Schools Are Traumatic & Dangerous for Most Children"

piers@piers-cross.com — Fri, 25 Aug 2023 12:25:18 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #59 -

Joss Goulden

Psychology Trained Parenting Expert Talks About Attachment, Her Boarding School Experience & Why Boarding Schools are Traumatic & Dangerous for Most Children

"Boarding Schools Are Traumatic & Dangerous for Most Children" Today I am speaking with Joss Goulden who is trained in psychology and is a parenting coach. She also went to boarding school for 10 years.

Here she talks about why she feels that boarding schools are not safe places to bring up children . How boarding schools create trauma in our young people rather than helping them to flourish.

She shares some of the solutions. Take your children out of boarding school and home educate them to bring up happy, and thriving adults.

---

Joss Goulden attended boarding school in the UK for 10 years from the age of 8. Since then, she has dedicated most of her adult life to learning more about attachment, trauma and healing, initially for herself and then to support others. She has a BSc in Psychology, and post-graduate qualifications in Human Communication Science and Counselling. She became a parent in 2003 and now works as a parenting coach and an Aware Parenting Instructor. She is also the host of the Aware Parenting Stories podcast and co-host of the Aware Parenting and Natural Learning podcast together with Marion Rose Ph.D..

Areas to talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work that you now do?
What is Aware Parenting? What does it mean to consciously parent our children?
What is the impact of trauma on children? How do we heal our traumatised children?
How do we support children to experience less adversity and suffering?
I would love for you to speak about your boarding school experiences. How was it like for you? How has it impacted the work you now do?
Do you feel that boarding school has an impact on a child? If so what might that be?
Do you feel that we normalize boarding school and childhood trauma? What is the impact of this normalization?
What is the positive way of working with children?
In your work what is the power of speaking up and sharing our stories?
How do people learn more about your work or reach out?

“I attended boarding school in the UK for 10 years from the age of 8. Since then, I have dedicated most of my adult life to learning more about attachment, trauma and healing, initially for myself and then to support others.

On leaving school, I completed a BSc in Psychology, and post-graduate qualifications in Human Communication Science and Counselling. I became a parent myself in 2003 and was blessed to discover Aware Parenting shortly after that. I am now a parenting coach and an Aware Parenting Instructor, certified with the Aware Parenting Institute, founded by Aletha Solter Ph.D.

I support parents to raise their children with more awareness, connection and secure attachment, and with significantly less trauma, adversity and suffering, much of which involves supporting parents to also process and heal their own stress and trauma from their childhoods.

I am passionate about increasing the understanding of the impacts of stress and trauma on children to ensure more children are raised with compassion. Part of this is understanding the impact of the trauma of boarding school attendance so that fewer parents choose to send their children away to these institutions and instead choose to keep their children at home with them. I offer individual and group sessions to parents, as well as courses and communities.

I am the host of the Aware Parenting Stories podcast and co-host of the Aware Parenting and Natural Learning podcast together with Marion Rose Ph.D..”

To find out more about Joss' work please visit: https://awareparenting.com.au/

Or find her on social media @awareparenting

Jeremy Clarkson & Meghan Markle: The Psychology of The Sun Article - Boarding School Syndrome

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 26 Jun 2023 17:15:00 GMT

Jeremy Clarkson & Meghan Markle:

The Psychology of The Sun Article -

Boarding School Syndrome & Trauma

Today I offer some reflections about Jeremy Clarkson's article from late 2022 in The Sun newspaper condemning Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex.

Jeremy Clarkson said he was “dreaming of the day when she is made to parade naked through the streets of every town in Britain while the crowds chant, ‘Shame!’ and throw lumps of excrement at her”.

Today in the below video I explore some of his early childhood experiences where at boarding school other pupils bullied him and defecated in his tuckbox:

Could his comments and his bullying words have anything to do with his upbringing?

What happened at boarding school and how might his unconscious be reappearing in his articles and how he acts in the world?

For more about Trauma Informed Media and Matthew Green,

I quote the work of Nick Duffell, Peter Levine, Robert Verkaik and Robert A Johnson .

Any questions please do let me know.

Piers

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school syndrome and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #58 - Peter Eugène Bennett – Heart-led Leadership, Men's Mental Health, Sacred Sons

piers@piers-cross.com — Tue, 20 Jun 2023 16:49:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #58 -

Peter Eugène Bennett

Heart-led Leadership,

Men's Mental Health,

Sacred Sons

What is heart-led leadership? What are men's circles and men's group and why are they so helpful? What can we do for men's mental health at the moment?

Today I am speaking with Peter Eugène Bennett. Peter is a men's coach who also works with the Sons of Zion and the Sacred Sons.

He has trained in Vipassana Meditation, Wim Hof, Nutritional Therapy, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Qigong, Tantra , and is currently training as a Mentor & Coach .

His work now is focused on helping men reach their potential, creating healthy community spaces of brotherhood so they can be of service to the world and each other.

Questions and areas to talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work that you now do?
Could you please speak to men's work. What is men's work? And why it is so transformational?
I would love for you to talk about what you understand about trauma and the body. How can we better get in touch with our bodies if we have been through trauma?
Could you please speak to ancestry. What is the importance of understanding our ancestry?
I would love for you to speak about your boarding school experiences. How was it for you? What were the gifts and what were the shadows?
How important is community to healing? How do we start to cultivate loving and transformational communities?
Could you please speak to men's mental health, suicide and self-harm?
How do people learn more about your work or reach out?

You can follow Peter Eugène Bennett on IG: @mensworkcoach

Linktree: https://linktr.ee/mensworkcoach

Or his website here: https://www.mensworkcoach.com/

Sacred Sons: https://www.sacredsons.com/

Sons of Zion: https://www.sonsofzion.uk/

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AEM Podcast #57 - Thomas Bien PhD -Mindfulness, Buddhism, Addictions and the Path To Happiness - Buddhist Psychology

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 15:45:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #57 -

Thomas Bien PhD

Mindfulness, Buddhism, Addictions

and the Path To Happiness -

Buddhist Psychology

What is mindfulness? What is the path to happiness? How do we overcome addictions using mindfulness? And what are some of the key teachings of Buddhism?

Today I am speaking with Buddhist psychologist and best-selling author, Thomas Bien, PhD in a fascinating conversation about happiness, mindfulness and recovery from trauma and addictions.

Dr Bien has lectured around the world and spent time with the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hahn (or Thay).

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Dr. Thomas Bien is a licensed psychologist, author, and mindfulness teacher. In addition to his doctorate in psychology, he also holds a master's degree in theology from Princeton Theological Seminary.

He is the author of numerous scientific articles and book chapters in psychology, especially in the areas of spirituality and addiction. He is the author of Mindful Recovery, Finding the Center Within, and Mindful Therapy. He is also the coeditor of Mindfulness and the Therapeutic Relationship.

Some of the topics and questions to cover:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
I would love for you to share some of the insights you learned about the path to happiness. How do we lead a more contented and happier life?
What are some of the Buddhist teachings that have had the greatest impact on you?
What are some of the Buddhist teachings that have had the greatest impact on your clients?
What are some of the barriers to happiness?
How do we start to learn to enjoy the small, joyful moments more and more?
Many of my listeners have been through a lot of trauma. What is your suggestion for those who have been through trauma? What has worked best for your clients and in the research that you've done?
Could you talk about mindfulness and addictions please? In your work what is the cause of addictions and how does mindfulness help with the overcoming of addictions?
What are some of the tools that you recommend for overcoming anxiety and stress?

To learn more about Dr Bien work's please visit: https://www.mindfulpsychology.com/

And to purchase his books please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thomas-Bien/e/B001ITTUC6/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_book_1

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AEM Podcast #56 - Hugh Newton -The Sovereign's Journey – How To Work With The King, Warrior, Magician, Lover

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 29 May 2023 15:30:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #56 -

Hugh Newton

The Sovereign's Journey –

How To Work With

The King, Warrior, Magician, Lover

On today's podcast we go deep into working with the archetypes. How do we move from the Hero's Journey, more for the transition from boyhood/ girlhood to early manhood/ womanhood to the Sovereign's Journey, for the maturing adult?

What are the ways that we can work with the archetypes?

How do we bring our inner King and Queen online, also known as the Sovereign?

A really fascinating discussion with one of the UK's leading men's work coaches and facilitators.

PLEASE NOTE: that in the first 20 minutes of this podcast the image of Hugh freezes but the audio is perfect. Hugh was sharing some really valuable information so I chose not to interrupt him.

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Hugh P Newton has been working with men for more than twenty five years. He works as a coach, runs workshops for men and is involved in A Band of Brothers and the Mankind Project.

Hugh is also the author of the book The Sovereign's Journey.

Some of the topics and questions to cover:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work you now do?
Could you please talk about the importance of men's work. Robert Bly in Iron John says that the young men need the support of older men. What is your experience of this? How do we as older men find the younger men to help?
Could you please explain what the Sovereign's Journey is? How does it differ from the Hero's Journey?
What are the archetypes? (P. 25)
What is the collective unconscious?
What is the role of the King or the Sovereign?
Could you please speak a little about why getting to know your shadows are so important? How does that help us (p. 26)
What are some of the practices to help us connect to each of the archetypes in their fullness?
Could you please share some of your boarding school experiences? How was boarding school in Rhodesia?
How do people learn more about your work or reach out?

To learn more about Hugh's work please visit: https://www.thesovereignsjourney.co.uk/

And to purchase his book please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sovereigns-Journey-Hugh-P-Newton/dp/B0BMJXR7RV/ref=sr_1_1?crid=PHPEWYGS5U0Z&keywords=hugh+newton&qid=1676566640&sprefix=hugh+newton%2Caps%2C676&sr=8-1

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AEM Podcast #55 - Dino Nocivelli - UK Lawyer : Child Sexual Abuse, IICSA, Jimmy Saville, Boarding Schools

piers@piers-cross.com — Sun, 21 May 2023 16:30:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #55 -

Dino Nocivelli

UK Lawyer : Child Sexual Abuse,

IICSA, Jimmy Saville, Boarding Schools

Dino Nocivelli is a partner in the abuse department at Leigh Day law firm and joined the company in 2022. Dino specialises in actions for child sexual abuse survivors. Dino has appeared in a significant number of media publications providing his expert opinion and commentary, including among others the BBC, ITV and the Guardian. He has also provided evidence to the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse (IICSA).

Areas to explore:

I would love to hear some of your journey and how you got into the work that you are now doing?
Could you speak about your work around child sexual abuse (CSA) and some of the cases that you have been putting together?
How widespread is CSA in Britain?
I would love to hear you speak about the IICSA process. What was IICSA? What were its aims? Did they succeed in these aims? What was the final verdict?
Could you please talk about mandatory reporting? What do you feel about the importance of having mandatory reporting in schools and boarding schools? Has IICSA now made this a requirement by law?
Could you talk a little about Jimmy Saville, John Smythe and cases like Bishop Peter Ball. In your opinion why is it that society has ignored the children's voices for so many decades? People in very prominent positions supported these men. Are things changing now?
What about boarding schools? What have you found out about boarding schools and CSA? In your opinion should these schools be able to retain their charitable status?
If someone has been through CSA at school or as a child, and they are listening to this, what would you advise them?
Could you talk a little about how easy or hard it is to get a school to apologise for misdemeanours which happened within their grounds? Why is this?
How do people find out more about your work?

To find more about Dino please visit: https://www.leighday.co.uk/about-us/our-people/partners/dino-nocivelli/

To read some of his blog posts about boarding schools: https://www.leighday.co.uk/latest-updates/blog/2022-blogs/malsis-school-convictions-how-was-abuse-able-to-go-on-for-so-long/

https://www.leighday.co.uk/latest-updates/blog/2022-blogs/sexual-abuse-in-boarding-schools-change-is-urgently-needed/

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AEM Podcast #54 - Anne Power - Contented Couples. How To Thrive In Intimate Relationships - Attachment Theory

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 15 May 2023 16:30:02 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #54 -

AEM #54 Anne Power

Contented Couples -

How To Thrive In Intimate Relationships -

Attachment Theory

What makes a contented couple? Are there certain keys to having a thriving and loving intimate relationship? What if you didn't have a happy childhood? Can you still have a fulfilling and happy relationship?

Today I am speaking with Annie Power who is a couple counsellor and author . We talk about attachment theory and how that relates to relationships. How important is it to be a securely attached person in a couple ? Annie shares different keys that you can cultivate to have a loving relationship , keys that are synonymous with contented couples.

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Anne Power, is a couple counsellor and has taught psychotherapy and supervision on university courses in London. She has published many academic papers on attachment and two books.

She started her counselling work thirty years ago. Her initial training was as a psychoanalytic psychotherapist with a special interest in attachment theory. Later she trained in a systemic model and this integration – of attachment and systemic thinking - matches with EFT (Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy) which is the model in which she is now developing her practice.

Some of the questions and areas interest:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you arrive at doing what you do now?
Would you please introduce us to attachment theory. What is it? Could you talk a little about the different forms of attachment? (p. 15)
Could you please speak to how attachment theory relates to relationships?
In your research into the book, Contented Couples, what did you find made up a contented couple? You talk about a formula for a contented relationship. What is this? (p.3)
What is good-enough marriage? (p. 5)
If you have not had a secure attachment as a child (many of my listeners have been to boarding school) can we still cultivate a contented relationship? From those that you interviewed and in your experience how do we go about that? (p.35)
If a person enters a relationship and they don't feel that they are loveable and that they can love others, how do they heal this? (p. 3)
Could you please talk about how romantic and maternal relationships are similar? (p.46)
What makes a relationship work in the long run? (p.146-180)
Some other areas to talk about:
Self-care regarding relationships
Boarding school syndrome and attachment theory

For more information about Anne Power please visit: https://www.contentedcouples.com/

Or to purchase her book: https://www.karnacbooks.com/product/contented-couples-magic-logic-or-luck/96376/?MATCH=1

Or on Amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Contented-Couples-Magic-Logic-Luck/dp/1913494462/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr =

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AEM Podcast #53 - Rosemary Lamaison – Experiences & Impact of Boarding School on Girls & Boys, Women & Men

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 08 May 2023 16:15:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #53 -

Rosemary Lamaison

Experiences & Impact of Boarding School on

Girls & Boys, Women & Men.

On today's episode my guest is Rosemary Lamaison. In this podcast she shares her years of experience working as a counsellor with ex-boarders. What are some of the experiences of girls and boys at boarding school? Today Rosemary gives dozens of quotes and examples of how the boarding school education impacts girls and boys and the adults that they become.

A really fascinating and rich sharing from one of the leading therapists in the boarding school syndrome and boarding school survivors world.

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Rosemary Lamaison is a counsellor with 30 years’ experience. She works with adult clients from diverse backgrounds and covers a broad range of issues. These include couples, relationship and marriage guidance, parent and family issues and anxiety, stress, low confidence or low self-esteem. She also works with abuse and boarding school syndrome.

Some of the areas to talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work that you now do?
Can you please talk a little bit about some of the key issues relating to women ex-boarders:
relationships, intimacy difficulties
not having a voice, or being heard
where can their experience be talked about
femininity
puberty and their move to womanhood being 'uncelebrated'.
education and low expectations - for those who are now in their 50,60,70's. Should I say 'limited' education and being 'taught' to be a good wife !
what do they do with their sadness, rage
How do they display their skills / abilities without being seen as 'bossy', 'aggressive'
having to adopt male behaviours in the male working environments
how to parent, having not had the role model that would help
self esteem and confidence
false self, loss of authentic self. Appearing confident but hiding their vulnerable self - also a male issue
food, eating disorders - hunger, comfort eating ... long term impact
where's home [also for men of course]
travelling from overseas, put i/c of younger sibling, missing close contact with, and kindness from, ayahs, staff,

For more information about Rosemary's work please visit: https://rosemarylamaisoncounselling.com

For Boarding Recovery and a list of registered therapists please visit: https://boardingrecovery.com/

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AEM Podcast #52 - Paul DeBlassie III, PhD – Clinical Psychologist Talks About Pain, Trauma, Self Sabotaging & Finding Safety

piers@piers-cross.com — Thu, 04 May 2023 16:02:50 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #52 -

Paul DeBlassie III, PhD

Clinical Psychologist Talks About Pain, Trauma,

Self Sabotaging & Finding Safety

In this episode I am talking with leading clinical psychologist and author, Paul DeBlassie III. Paul has worked in the field of psychology for 40 years and has mainly specialised in working with religious abuse and trauma.

He is also the bestselling author of several books including: Goddess of Everything, Goddess of The Wild Thing, and The Unholy.

I really enjoyed this conversation and loved how relaxed and wise Paul was.

He talked about world leaders and the trauma that they carry . He talked about Putin and what he sees there.

He also went into some depth about his work with trauma treatment and self-hatred. He went on to speak about self-sabotaging and how we find safety . A really fascinating conversation.

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Paul DeBlassie III, Ph.D. is a depth psychologist and award-winning writer living in his native New Mexico, crafting metaphysical thrillers energized with trickster mischief and natural magic. His novels, visionary thrillers, delve deep into archetypal realities as they play out dramatically in the lives of everyday people. Metaphysical dramas set in the mythopoeic realm of Aztlan open vistas of danger, conflict and potential transformation. Good and evil are pivotal arenas for unfolding tales of the supernatural.

Together with visionary/metaphysical novels, he also writes blogs and archetypal essays on trauma, dreams, spirituality, and intuition.

Some of the areas of interest:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you arrive at doing what you do now?
Some of the areas to talk about:
Spirituality
Depth psychology
Dreams – how do we connect and understand dreams? How do we integrate the messages that our dreams are telling us? What is the best way to work with dreams?
Trauma and how to treat it
Pain
Archetypes
The shadows
World Leaders
Finding safety
The culture of the church
Some of Paul's quotes: “
Depth psychologist Robert D. Romanyshyn in his paper, “The World Is a Tissue of Metaphors,” noted that the dream: “is a nightly address to the ego-mind which undoes its fixed positions, a kind of nightly humiliation that humbles consciousness and leads it back into the earth, a journey that re-situates mind in the humus, the soil of the soul. (2011, p. 2)”
“Descent into the underworld, stepping into the Cave of All Knowing, and plunging into the mother sea of the collective unconscious, symbolize immersion into self, leaning into and immersing ourselves in the pulse and beat of the confluence of our inner and outer lives. From such immersion a transformation occurs: what Romanyshyn described as “ordinary epiphanies of the moment that, when we are ready and properly disposed, are momentous epiphanies, festive occasions when the miracle in the ordinary manifests itself, moments that are occasions for wonder and celebration” (2011, p. 4).” https://www.depthinsights.com 2012
“that only the experience of the numinous was really capable of effecting a healing transformation” Jung (Dourley)
““The attempt to describe disintegration anxiety is the attempt to describe the indescribable” (p. 16). Such disintegration and soul loss can be experienced as a death of facets of self if trauma is of sufficient duration and intensity. Despair and emptiness often accompany such dissociative soul loss. Overwhelming perceptions that the mind is not and never will be well come into sharp focus.” Kohut 1984
“Once the trauma defense is organized, all relations with the outer world are ‘screened’ by the self-care system. What was intended to be a defense against further trauma becomes a major resistance to all unguarded spontaneous expression of self in the world. The person survives but cannot live creatively. Psychotherapy becomes necessary.” (p. 4) Kalsched 1996

For more information about Paul DeBlassie III please visit: https://www.pauldeblassieiii.com/

Or to purchase his books on his website: https://www.pauldeblassieiii.com/books/

Or on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Paul-DeBlassie-III/e/B00E5TBJXY/ref=aufs_dp_fta_dsk

Or to sign up for his newsletter: https://www.pauldeblassieiii.com/about/

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AEM Podcast #51 - Craig Weiner & Suzanne Fageol – Trauma, Energy Psychology, EFT & Matrix Reimprinting

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 20 Feb 2023 12:00:08 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #51 -

Dr Craig Weiner & Suzanne Fageol

Trauma - Energy Psychology -

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)

& Matrix Reimprinting

Today I am speaking with two experts in the field of energy psychology, Craig Weiner and Suzanne Fageol.

There are different forms of energy psychology from Psych-K to EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) and from Holographic Repatterning to Matrix Reimprinting.

As Bruce Lipton, PhD writes: "Energy psychology can induce radical changes in behaviour within minutes and in many cases, these changes produce permanent alterations in subconsciously programmed behaviours."

Today our conversation will be focusing on EFT and Matrix Reimprinting . What are EFT and Matrix Reimprinting?

My guests will also be talking about trauma and how you can use energy psychology to start to heal trauma.

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Suzanne Fageol, is a certified counsellor, spiritual director, craniosacral therapist, somatic trauma release educator and EFT/Matrix Reimprinting coach. She has been educating those in the helping professions about working with people with trauma and stress for the past 10 years and has been an educator of somatic practices and the neuroscience of trauma for over 10 years.

Dr Craig Weiner has spent over 35 year working in the health care field. He is a certified and accredited advanced practitioner and EFT master trainer of trainers. He is also a trainer of Matrix Reimprinting, co director of the EFT Tapping Training Institute and co director of the Tapping out of Trauma continuing education trainings.

He is the co-producer and director of the film, the Science of Tapping . He is a popular lecturer and podcast guest and together with his wife and partner Alina Frank are the creators of the podcast, EFT Nation. He is profoundly interested in the underlying emotional and physical connections that stem from adversity and trauma as well as the facilitation of the transformation of trauma to post-resilience and post traumatic growth. More information can be found at EFTtappingtraining.com

Questions:

I would love for you to begin by sharing how you both got into the work that you now do.
What is trauma? What are the symptoms of trauma? How might trauma show up in adults?
How might trauma effect those around them? What if these people were in positions of influence?
What are some of the beliefs and patterns that are common in people who have been through trauma?
What is EFT and Matrix Reimprinting? What is the science behind EFT and Matrix Reimprinting? How does it work and why is it effective in the healing of trauma?
How do people learn more about the work that you do.

#eft #emotionalfreedomtechniques #tapping #trauma #energypsychology

To find out more about the work that they do please do visit:

For Craig: https://www.efttappingtraining.com/

For Suzanne: https://www.tappingoutoftrauma.com

For their combined Tapping out of Trauma course for EFT practitioners: https://www.tappingoutoftrauma.com

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AEM Podcast #50 - Michelle Dawn Silcox – Married To A Boarding School Survivor - Relationships & Trauma

piers@piers-cross.com — Fri, 17 Feb 2023 14:08:52 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #50 -

Michelle Dawn Silcox

Married To A Boarding School Survivor - Relationships & Trauma - Boarding School Syndrome

On the podcast today to celebrate the 50th episode I have a very special guest, Michelle Dawn Silcox.

I have often been asked to talk about boarding school syndrome and relationships.

Well, today I thought that I would get one of the experts in this field, my wife!

Michelle is a relationship counsellor and has been interested in psychology and wellness for many decades.

Today she shares some of her journey of being married to a boarding school survivor and what she advises those who are in relationships with ex-boarders and those ex-boarders themselves.

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Michelle Dawn Silcox is a complementary therapist, spiritual counsellor, and Reiki teacher . In her 20s she worked as a model and then became a complementary therapist and a spiritual and relationship counsellor. In her 30s she had a near death experience which gave her a greater understanding of the work that she was doing. In the 1990s she set up a healing centre in Hebden Bridge which is still running to this day. She has also been married to the podcast host, Piers Cross, for the past 13 years.

Some of the questions that I ask her:

I would love for you to talk a bit about your life and journey.
In your work you talk about the importance of the masculine and the feminine. Can you please explain? How does this relate to relationships?
What are some of the key traits of ex-boarders in relationships? How is that different from people who have not been to boarding school? Both the positives and the negatives?
Can you talk about some of these other areas:
Control and manipulation
Projective identification – when you feel like you are going crazy if the other partners is in denial or dissociation.
Workaholism and how we struggle to stop
Shut down hearts and how we open them up again.
Growing up in a world with leaders with shut down hearts – what was it like growing up in this environment for a young girl – thinking that you had been born on the wrong planet.
How we met
Separation between sex and love
Elders
Complaining and blaming
What are relationships all about?
How does a man deal with a woman's anger or upset?
How do we as men/ ex-boarders/ people who have been through trauma heal and recover?

#marriedtoaboardingschoolsurvivor #boardingschoolsyndrome #relationshipsandtrauma

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AEM Podcast #49 - Helen Roche, PhD – Third Reich Education - Nazi Boarding Schools – Napolas – History & Connection To The English Boarding Schools

piers@piers-cross.com — Thu, 16 Feb 2023 13:15:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #49 -

Helen Roche, PhD

Third Reich Education - Nazi Boarding Schools – Napolas – History & Connection To The English Boarding Schools

Dr Helen Roche talks in this episode about education in the Third Reich and specifically the Nazi boarding schools, the Napolas. Very little has been shared about what went on in the education of the elite Nazi children until Dr Roche's book.

Today we talk about the history and the timeline of these schools and some of the links to the Spartan philosophies and British and American boarding schools.

Did the Nazis model the British boarding schools? Did they take certain aspects of the British Public School system and implement them into their Nazi boarding schools? Dr Roche discusses her findings in this fascinating episode.

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Dr. Helen Roche is Associate Professor in Modern European Cultural History at the University of Durham.

Her second book, The Third Reich’s Elite Schools: A History of the Napolas , has recently been published by Oxford University Press.

Her work has been featured in the press nationally and internationally, including appearances in The Times, The Guardian, The Daily Telegraph, on the BBC and Sky News.

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Questions and topics to talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey and how you got to where you are now?
Could you introduce us to the Nazi boardings schools, the Napolas please? What were they and when were they formed? What was their role in the rise of the Third Reich?
Could you talk about ancient Sparta's influence on German education and especially the Napolas?
What was the Napolas' connection to the English and American boarding schools? How much of an influence was the English boarding school model on the Nazi one? What did Hitler feel he could learn from these schools? Did the Nazi achieve their aim?
Could you please talk more about the 'character-forming' that the Napolas learned from the British system? It sounds like the Nazis were very keen to learn about this. What were some of the 'character-forming' practices that the Nazis installed? How were they similar or dissimilar to the British schools. What did August Heissmeyer say?
Could you talk about the exchanges, visits from headteachers and sports tournaments with the British and US boarding schools? “The ideal outcome of the programme would be for Napola pupils and staff to learn how things were done in England, and then use that knowledge to improve their own educational techniques,” (Guardian 2021)
How supportive were the English boarding schools of their German counterparts? In one of your talks you mention the head from Lancing House Prep school show his support?
How many of the alumni from these schools went on to prominent positions in the SS and Third Reich? Were these important were these graduates considered once the war began?
The private school headmaster and the embodiment of the “Fuhrer-principle
Were the Napolas more effective at indoctrinating pupils politically than, for example, the Hitler Youth? If so why was that?
What were some of the tough practices that the Napolas put the children through?

#naziboardingschools #historyofboardingschools #boardingschoolsyndromecollectivetraumahealing #woundedleaders

To learn more about Helen please visit: https://www.durham.ac.uk/staff/helen-b-roche/

To buy Helen's books please visit: https://global.oup.com/academic/product/the-third-reichs-elite-schools-9780198726128?cc=gb&lang=en&

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AEM Podcast #48 - Matthew Green – Climate Change, Wounded Leaders & Collective Trauma Healing

piers@piers-cross.com — Mon, 13 Feb 2023 12:00:47 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #48 -

Matthew Green

Leading Journalist Talks About Climate Change,

Wounded Leaders & Collective Trauma Healing

What does trauma have to do with our current global challenges? Is there a link between trauma and the difficulties that we currently face?

Today I speak with Matthew Green who is a former Reuters and Financial Times journalist who now works in the area of climate news with an interest in collective trauma healing . What is the Collective Trauma Healing movement which was founded by Thomas Hubl ? How do we heal?

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Matthew Green is a former Reuters climate and Financial Times correspondent and has reported from more than 30 countries.

He is now global investigations editor at DeSmog, a nonprofit climate news service . He is also a co-host of the Collective Trauma Summit 2022 and a student on Thomas Hübl’s two-year Timeless Wisdom Training program.

He writes the Resonant World newsletter on healing collective trauma. He is also the author of the book Aftershock: The Untold Story of Surviving Peace.

Questions and topics to talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey and how you got passionate about climate change and collective trauma healing?
Could you speak a little about climate change and what you have seen unfolding over the past few years?
What is collective trauma healing? And how do you feel that links into some of the issues we face as a species?
Having just read Nick Duffell's book, Wounded Leaders, have you any further thoughts into the current climate crisis, the leaders, boarding school and how that links into collective trauma?
Some topics to talk about (excerpts from Matthew's brilliant article https://www.desmog.com/2022/09/27/collective-trauma-healing-climate-change-activism/):
“The impact of events that took place decades or even centuries ago, can cascade through generations, silently shaping the destiny of communities, cultures, and nations.”
How when we suppress the vulnerable parts of ourselves that we don't take care of the vulnerable in society. Could the vulnerable also be seen as the environment?
“The industrialized world’s failure to mount a meaningful response to climate change is itself a symptom of collective trauma, rooted in patterns of exploitation handed down over generations.”
“People who suffered early adversity often resort to self-medicating their pain to society’s pursuit of endless, fossil fuel-powered economic growth.”
“Could politicians’ apparent paralysis in response to the threat mirror the way individuals with significant trauma may go emotionally numb, or avoid potential triggers, rather than acknowledge their deepest hurt?”
“The climate crisis is the consequence of a mindset: The mindset that people can be oppressed, that you can go to new territories, loot them, appropriate them, and get rich from them,” Xiye Bastida. I would argue that this began with the Empire and boarding school. What do you feel?
“The kind of grandiosity, manipulation, and blame-shifting that can emerge as defences against childhood trauma are so often evident among leaders in politics, business, and finance.”
The power of community to heal
The power of leaders becoming trauma informed
Humanity's greatest threat is also the greatest opportunity
PTSD / First World War and how it was noticed that those who went to boarding school had learned to suppress emotions.
Anything else that you would like to share?

#climatechange #climatecrisis #collectivetraumahealing #woundedleaders

To read more of Matthew's work please visit his website here: https://matthewgreenjournalism.com/

To join the Resonant World email list on Substack: https://matthewgreenglobal.substack.com/

To buy Matthew's bestselling book called Aftershock about PTSD: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Aftershock-Fighting-Surviving-Trauma-Finding/dp/1846273315/ref=sr_1_1?crid=LDDR3C660JSC&keywords=matthew+green+aftershock&qid=1667216113&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIwLjI0IiwicXNhIjoiMC4wMCIsInFzcCI6IjAuMDAifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=matthew+green+aftershock%2Caps%2C285&sr=8-1

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AEM Podcast #47 - Petter Sandgren PhD - Globalising Eton – The History and Impact Globally of Boarding Schools

Wed, 08 Feb 2023 12:43:48 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #47 -

Petter Sandgren PhD

Globalising Eton

– The History and Impact Globally of Boarding Schools

What is the history and global impact of boarding schools? Often on the podcast we have talked about the British boarding schools. Today we are starting to venture further afield.

In speaking with Petter Sandgren , who is a Professor of Education at the University of Stockholm , we start to explore the history of boarding schools and what the impact is of boarding school on the world.

What is the difference between the UK and the rest of the world regarding boarding schools . Are they the same?

We also have a fascinating discussion about character building at boarding schools . What has character building been historically at boarding school? What did the children do to each other to "build character" ? And what can we do to change this?

He also talks about Tom Brown's Schooldays and how this was the bible for many of the budding boarding schools around the world. "How do we act, treat children, teach? Look at Tom Brown's Schooldays."

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Petter Sandgren has an MA in Education and an MA in History from Umeå University, and an MA and a PhD in History from the European University Institute in Florence, Italy. In 2015 Sandgren published the first book – Internatskolorna – in a planned trilogy on elites in modern-day Sweden. In 2017 he defended his doctoral thesis Globalising Eton: A Transnational History of Elite Boarding Schools since 1799.

Sandgren has previously taught history of education and European studies at Uppsala University and Lund University before joining the Department of Education at Stockholm University in the fall of 2016. Sandgren’s research interests include transnational and comparative approaches to the history of modern and contemporary Europe, as well as history and sociology of education; the history of European integration; history and sociology of elites and the upper classes.

Questions and topics that we talk about:

I would love for you to share some of your journey and how you got passionate in the subject of the elites and upper classes and how they are educated?
Could you speak a little about the history of global elite boarding schools?
Your thesis is called Globalising Eton. How much of an impact has Eton and the other English boarding schools had on the rest of the world? Has that impact been positive or negative?
Could you please talk about leadership training. In your experience what is it that these elite boarding schools teach about leadership?
Would you say that these schools have changed?
What are the ideas that these elite boarding schools are trying to emulate?
In your opinion what might the impact be on the rest of the world if the leaders have been educated in this way?
Anything else that you would like to share?

#historyofboardingschools #globalisingeton #eton #globalboardingschool #eliteeducation

To read Petter's thesis, Globalising Eton please download it here: https://cadmus.eui.eu/bitstream/handle/1814/46566/Sandgren_2017.pdf?sequence=1

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AEM Podcast #46 - Martin Lloyd-Elliott - Leading Psychologist - Leadership/ Trauma/ Boarding School/ The Heart

Mon, 05 Dec 2022 12:00:38 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #46 -

Martin Lloyd-Elliott

Leading Psychologist - Leadership/ Trauma/ Boarding School/ The Heart

Today on the podcast we are talking about leadership, trauma, boarding school and how we heal. I am delighted to be talking with Martin Lloyd-Elliott who is one of the UK's leading psychologists and psychotherapists who specialises in working with leaders.

Here he talks about what trauma is. He then goes on to talk about leadership and especially political leadership. What makes a great leader? Does the boarding school system create great leaders or does it create leaders who don't always do the best for those that they lead?

In a very clear and down to earth style Martin really helps to clarify why the current system is not working and some of the ways we can battle this.

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Martin Lloyd-Elliott has worked for thirty one years in full time private practice as a Chartered Psychologist and psychotherapist during which he has worked with over 1500 clients.

He also coaches business executives and management teams in cutting-edge leadership skills, specialising in the creation and development of Super Teams.

Principal teachers and influences are James Hollis, Petrushka Clarkson, Carl Jung, James Hillman, Joseph Campbell, and many others. `

Some of the areas that I would love to hear you speak about:

I would love to hear you speak about how you got into the work that you now do in the world.
I would love you to introduce what you understand about trauma. What is trauma? How does it impact us as humans?
“To actively choose a career in politics is pathological” James Hollis. Can you talk about this please?
I would love for you to talk about leadership and boarding school syndrome. Does boarding school turn out great leaders? Or is there a shadow side to boarding school education which produces wounded leaders? How might this impact the world?
I would love you to speak about how leaders who are wounded wound others. Do you see this currently globally, that many of the leaders are wounded? What can we as a society do to bring healing to our wounded leaders?
I would love for you to speak about eldership, especially as it relates to UK leaders and how Tony Blair disbanded the peer lords.
I would love for you to talk about the idea about the descent. That trauma is a descent as part of the hero's journey. Could you also talk about how if we are not guided out of the trauma especially by elders that this can negatively impact those around us.
British Empire and the archetype of the Pirate. I would love for you to share some of your thoughts on the buccaneer British spirit of the Empire and how two thirds of the British Navy were buccaneers or pirates. How has that infiltrated our psyches? Can you see any pirates in leadership now?
Dis-integrated and sub-personalities. Could you talk about this?
I would love for you to speak a bit about the Jewel of the Crown – India and the British Empire.
What makes a benevolent leader? How do we cultivate more of them in our world?
How do people learn more about you?

#leadership #martinlloydelliott #boardingschool #trauma

For more information and to get in touch with Martin please visit his website here: http://www.lloyd-elliott.com/

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AEM Podcast #45 - Robert Verkaik - Posh Boys – How English Public Schools Ruin Britain

Mon, 28 Nov 2022 16:34:48 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #45 -

Robert Verkaik

Posh Boys – How English Public Schools Ruin Britain

Today's podcast welcomes Robert Verkaik to speak about his book, Posh Boys, how English public schools ruin Britain.

In a fascinating discussion Robert outlines why he feels that the public school system doesn't work. He outlines some of his research into the private education system and what the issues are. Why is this divisive system no longer working? And what are some of the solutions to this issue?

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Robert is an author and journalist specialising in security and social mobility. His journalism appears in the Guardian, Independent, i newspaper, Sunday Telegraph and Sunday Times.

In 2013 he was runner-up at the National Press Awards for the category of specialist journalist. Robert has also been long-listed for the Orwell Prize and the Paul Foot Award. In 2001 he was named law journalist of the year and has twice been runner-up.

He is the author of five books.

Questions for Robert:

I would love for you to share some of your journey into the work that you now do.
Could you please speak more about the English public schools. What drew you into writing the book, Posh Boys? How are these public schools the ruin of Britain?
Could you speak a little about the history of public schools. How did they begin? Were they always intended for the privileged? How did the educational ideals of people like William Wykeham become usurped by England's rich and powerful families?
Could you speak to the link between the brutal nature of public schooling and the brutal suppression in Asia and Africa during the British Empire? (P.34) What were the public schools like during that time? Did that impact how the British ruled their Empire?
Michael Goldfarb mentions that the elite and the 'Establishment' used to be in the church, the military and the Empire. But now it has shifted towards the corporate world. Could that be a reason why the UK government, judiciary, business and military have such strong ties to the public schools? How does it impact the rest of the UK having this close knit community?
You mention the word apartheid in your book. Would you say that we now have a subtle class divide (P. 308 PB) that is a type of social apartheid? Only those that are rich get the tops jobs.
How have these public schools increased the divide between rich and poor? Why is it that we won't get rich?
Is the public school system fit for purpose? Is it helping to bring us closer together to build a fairer society or is it driving us apart? (P. 6 PB)
I would love you speak about the current energy and cost of living crisis. Has the public school system exacerbated the problem?
We now have a new non-private school educated prime minister in Liz Truss. Do you feel that things can now start to change?
What do you feel is the solution to the crisis that we are now faced with?

#poshboys #publicschools #privateschools #leadershipcrisis

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AEM Podcast #44 - Amelia White - Coeducational Boarding Schools - What Are They Like Past & Present?

Mon, 31 Oct 2022 12:00:10 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #44 -

Amelia White

Coeducational Boarding Schools

What Are They Like Past & Present?

On today's podcast I am excited to be speaking with Amelia White. In this episode she talks about co-educational boarding schools and the impact they have on girls and boys. How does it differ from single sex boarding schools? Amelia is a specialist in this area and has trained with Nick Duffell.

Why this podcast will be probably the most fascinating so far is that not only did Amelia go to the same boarding school as me, but we were on the same year! We reconnected last year when we realised that we are doing the same work with ex-boarders...

Today we share our experiences at this coed boarding school. She shares some of the classic symptoms she sees in single sex and coeducational boarding schools. How are they different? How are they the same? Have they changed since our day?

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Amelia White is a Humanistic Counsellor who works in private practice in Hove and online. She tutors on the Person Centred foundation degree course at East Sussex College.

She has a specialism in working with those struggling as a result of their Boarding School experience and offers individual and couple therapy to those affected by their own or partners' schooling. She facilitates groups, run workshops, and courses.

Some of the questions that Amelia answers:

1. I would love for you to share some of your journey into doing the work that you now do.
2. What was the experience for you as a girl at a coeducational boarding school? (Piers could add his experience as a boy in the school and regarding the girls).
3. In your work with ex boarders how does the experience of coeducational boarding schools differ from single sex boarding schools?
4. In some circles, it is said that coeducational boarding is less traumatic than single sex boarding. Have you found this to be the case and if so why do you think this is?
5. In your work have you found that there are common ways that both single sex and coeducational boarding schools affect people? If so what might they be?
6. Nowadays a lot of boarding schools are becoming coeducational. Have they changed since our day. If so in what way? And how are they the same?
7. Healing boarding school syndrome. In your work have you found that you have to approach coeducational ex-boarders differently from others or the same? What have you found has worked the best?

What is the effect on girls of growing up in a co-ed school focused on patriarchal values?
The lack of safeguarding with regards sexual relationships developing at such young ages without an parents present.
How do people find out more about your work?

For more information about Amelia work please do visit: https://ameliawhitecounselling.com/

Or her Facebook boarding school group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/boardingschoolawarenessandwellbeing/

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AEM Podcast #43 - Kevin Albin - Lessons From The Jungles of Borneo

Sat, 29 Oct 2022 11:00:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #43 -

Kevin Albin

Lessons From The Jungles of Borneo:

Connecting with Nature & Healing The Planet

Today I am very happy to be speaking to Kevin Albin about his experiences of living for 6 months in the jungles of Borneo and his work now as a climate activist.

What did he learn during that time in the jungles as a trek leader and the importance of connecting to nature?

How have we as humanity lost that connection? And how does that relate to what is happening in the world with climate change?

A fascinating discussion with a really lovely man. We talk about fossil fuels, wounded leaders, trauma, his boarding school experiences, and his time working with teenagers. He also discusses his bestselling book, Stonechild, which is an adventure fiction story about statues which come alive in London to help affect change in the environment.

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Kevin Albin served 25 years with the police in the UK, eight years of which were with a tactical firearms team, and as a negotiator. In 2002, he retrained as an International Mountain Leader (BAIML) working across the globe guiding on mountaineering trips and expeditions.

He is an author of the book, Stonechild, a fictional story about seeing the need for conservation and a change to the way we act with the environment. In 2011, he won Bronze in the Wanderlust Magazine World Guide Awards for his work.

His hope is that his writing will continue to spread the word on conservation and protection of all species.

Questions and areas to speak about:

I would love you to share some of your journey. How did you get to where you are now?
I would love for you to share a little about what you have learned about the environment and how we can conserve the planet moving forward.
Other areas to talk about:
Stonechild – how did this come about and what is the message?
Working with teenagers in the trekking; work that you have done – rubbing shoulders with nature.
What do you feel is the pressure that teenagers are under at the moment
Experiences of boarding school – controlled by the bell – trying to escape – how did your parents find it was for them you going away?
What can we do to start to positively change the environment?
Leaders – are the leaders you have spoken with interested in changing?
Trauma and leaders
Leaders – they can be the heroes of this moment.
Are companies changing their environmental policies?
The manipulation of the fossil fuel industries

#fossilfuels #stonechild #climatechange #conservation

For more information about Kevin please do visit: https://kevin-albin.com/

To buy Kevin's book please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stonechild-Kevin-Albin/dp/B08D53GZTC/ref=sr_1_1?crid=12559014NVZG3&keywords=kevin+albin&qid=1660311858&sprefix=kevin+albin%2Caps%2C121&sr=8 -1

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AEM Podcast #42 - Shaun Chamberlin - Surviving the Future

Thu, 27 Oct 2022 10:45:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #42 -

Shaun Chamberlin

Leading Expert and Policy Maker Around Climate Issues -

Surviving The Future - Climate Crisis - Economical Collapse.

In this episode of An Evolving Man podcast (AEM)we talk about surviving the future. What is happening in the world regarding climate change, the economy and environmental issues?

My guest today is someone who has been involved in the highest levels of decision making regarding UK environmental policy. He shares some very uncomfortable truths. Are we on the brink of collapse? Is there anything we can do about it?

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Shaun Chamberlin has been involved with the Transition Network since its inception, cofounding Transition Town Kingston and authoring the movement's second book, The Transition Timeline.

He is managing director of the Fleming Policy Centre and former chair of the Ecological Land Co-operative, and has spoken at venues ranging from Occupy camps to Parliaments.

In exploring the cultural narratives charting society's course he has written for or edited a diverse range of books, magazines, academic journals, and other publications, including co-authoring a significant UK All Party Parliamentary report with his close friend and regular collaborator David Fleming. His website is www.darkoptimism.org.

Subjects that I ask Shaun:

I would love for you to share some of your path to how you now do what you do?
“We are unshamedly positive about what kind of a world humanity could create, and unashamedly realistic about how far we are from creating it today.”
David Fleming – A Dictionary for the Future and How We Survive it
Economic collapse
We need to keep hope alive.
Grief – the annilation of life on earth – living in a dying world – headed into the collapse scenario
I want to tell a story with life that I am extremely proud to tell.
Feeling alone with the apocalypse – find a peer group – find other people who care – resilience.org
“Do nothing that matters without consulting a conversation” DF
What is necessary, that we might have a future?
The key to a better future lies not in jobs, growth and mathematics, but in culture, community and conviviality.
Community resilience
Where are we headed?

What can we do? The middle ground...

#climatecrisis #economicalcollapse #survivingthefuture

For more information about Shaun's work please visit: https://www.darkoptimism.org

For access to the Lean Logic online dictionary: https://leanlogic.online/

For access to Shaun's course Surviving the Future at Vermont College: https://www.ce.sterlingcollege.edu/surviving-the-future

Find him on Twitter at @darkoptimism

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Update For Piers' New Film - Boarding School & Our Leaders

Mon, 24 Oct 2022 10:36:11 GMT

Boarding School & Our Leaders - Update For Piers' New Film - What Is The Impact On The World of Having Leaders Who Have Been To Boarding School?

Boarding School & Our Leaders

Today I will be updating you on the latest progress of the new film project that I have undertaken. Below I will be giving some updates and some background into why I am so passionate about this film about boarding school, our leaders and how it impacts society.

1. The Backstory 2002-2022 - The Idea for The Film is Born

For those of you who know my journey and my work, you will know that I have spent nearly 20 years studying, doing self-healing, and researching the work of Nick Duffell and Joy Schaverien and their ideas around boarding school syndrome and boarding school survivors.

For those of you who don't know this story, here is a brief synopsis... After a breakdown while working in the financial sector in London and Paris in the 00s I eventually found myself in a Buddhist monastery in 2002.

While living as a Novice Buddhist monk, aged 26, I was handed Nick's book, The Making of Them, which is about boarding school syndrome. I finally understood why I was struggling as much as I was. Boarding school. What had happened at school had deeply impacted me. The journey of recovery began.

After leaving the monastery in 2005 I began studying different modalities and in 2006 began work as a coach and a therapist. In 2015 after sharing on Youtube my boarding school journey, ex-boarders started to reach out to me asking me to work with them. I began to work nearly exclusively with male ex-boarders from that time until now.

At the beginning of 2022 I started to join the puzzle pieces together. I knew first hand how boarding school had impacted myself and other ex-boarders: anxiety, struggle with emotional intelligence, a disconnection from vulnerability, difficulties in intimate relationship, workaholism, addictions and many other traits.

Through listening to Joy Schaverien speak at a conference last year and through reading many books I started to realise just how many well-known leaders in the media, politics, business and the military went to boarding school. I started to wonder what the impact of having leaders who had had to survive at boarding school might have on the rest of society.

Could any of the current issues around the environment, the cost of living crisis, or the energy crisis have anything to do with trauma? With the upbringing of our leaders?

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2. The Idea For The Film

So this is the inspiration of this film.

Could any of the current issues have anything to do with trauma?

And especially the fact that our many of our leaders have had to survive as children in boarding school?

More and more are speaking up about the impact of trauma and our current global issues.

Christiana Figueres, who worked for the UN Climate Control, is spoken about in this article by Matthew Green : "Figueres is among those who argue that the industrialized world’s failure to mount a meaningful response to climate change is itself a symptom of collective trauma, rooted in patterns of exploitation handed down over generations." (Matt will be appearing on my podcast this week to speak on this subject).

Could part of this collective trauma be from the education our elites have been through?

Nick Duffell argues that yes, boarding school creates specific traits that make them poor leaders, outlined in his book Wounded Leaders.

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3. The Outline of the Film

The film will be split into four parts. In these 4 parts we will be interweaving my own story of boarding school and recovery to help to bring some context into what the specialists will be talking about.

Part 1: How does boarding school impact a child?

Part 2: What are the impacts of boarding school on an adult ex-boarder?

Part 3: How does this education affect our leaders and what is the impact on the rest of the world?

Part 4: And what are the solutions?

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4. The Team Involved in The Film

So far we have a great team involved in the film.

Ben Cole, the director and film-maker, will be working as the director. Ben, was involved in the film, 1 Giant Leap, which featured the music of Faithless, and many luminaries speak about the universal themes of life. Ben was also involved with Bruce Parry in the film Tawai.

Simon Hinkly , who has joined as an executive producer, has been involved in the film industry and TV since the 60s mainly as a first assistant director. Simon has a great passion for telling stories that have a big impact on the world.

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5. What Has Happened So Far

The plan is that in order to raise funds to get this film made we realise that we will need to create a promo.

This promo will last 3-5 minutes and will work as a trailer that we can show potential funders and commissioning editors.

We would like to do some crowdfunding in the Spring of 2023 and the promo will help to support that.

So far we have created a pitch deck for the film. And we have started to film.

In September the team of us went to film Nick Duffell in London. And in a few weeks in November we will be returning to London to film Joy Schaverien.

The work will then begin on filling in the gaps of the promo - filming footage and making the promo.

6. How You Can Help

What would be great is if you can think of friends, family or colleagues who might want to support the film being made to share this article or share this page with them . You can also sign up just below.

Once we have a promo then it would be great to have your help in spreading the word - sharing it, and letting others know. This will probably be in Spring 2023.

I feel that the film at the beginning will be word of mouth so your support will be most needed.

Thank you so much for your support.

Many blessings,

Piers

New Paragraph

To learn more about Boarding School Survivors Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here .

AEM Podcast #41 - Dr Claudia Gold - Leading Paediatrician - Attachment Theory - The Power of Discord - Children's Mental Health - Boarding School

Fri, 26 Aug 2022 11:00:09 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #41 -

Dr Claudia Gold

Leading Paediatrician - Attachment Theory -

The Power of Discord - Children's Mental Health - Boarding School

In this episode of An Evolving Man podcast (AEM) we hear from one of the US's leading paediatrician's Dr Claudia M Gold. Here she speaks about attachment theory, the power of discord – the importance of having ups and downs in relationships and how that links in to childhood trauma and especially boarding school syndrome.

Some of the areas we talk about are containment, the power of being heard, rupture and mismatch and uncertainty as they relate to relationships. We also talk about Prince Harry and how his experiences of boarding school and the death of his mother Princess Diana.

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Claudia M. Gold, MD is a pediatrician and writer who practiced general and behavioral pediatrics for over 20 years and now specializes in early childhood mental health.

She is on the faculty of the U-Mass Chan Medical School Early Relational Fellowship, the Brazelton Institute at Boston Children’s Hospital, and the Berkshire Psychoanalytic Institute.

She is a clinician with Volunteers in Medicine, Berkshires and director of the Hello It’s Me Project, a community-based program supporting parent-infant relationships in high-need low resourced communities.

Dr. Gold speaks frequently to a variety of audiences including parents and professionals. Her most recent book, The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and downs of Relationships are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience and Trust co-authored with Ed Tronick, was released in June 2020. Her other books include The Developmental Science of Early Childhood (2017), The Silenced Child (2016), and Keeping Your Child in Mind (2011) She writes regularly for her blog

Child in Mind.

Some of the questions/ areas for conversation:

I would love you to share some of your journey. How did you arrive at where you are now?
I would love to hear you speak about the power of being heard & feeling heard.
Could you explain what containment is – Winnicott, etc?
I would be really interested in hearing you speak about the power of very early interactions. One of the discussions going on in the boarding school literature over here is whether the ‘attachment break’ that has been seen as occurring at the point at which a child is ‘sent away’ to boarding school (at 6 or 7 or 8 or 11 years old) is the key ‘break’ – or whether we should be looking earlier. If you are a child born into a family that ‘belongs’ to a culture/class that EXPECTS to send you away (and which may well hire a nanny for your early care), what are the impacts of being born into such a parenting culture/class? How does this change the way they expect (and do) interact with you? What happens when you layer a schooling ‘attachment break’ on top of that, as opposed to the ‘break’ coming as a scholarship or other unexpected ‘opportunity’?
Boarding School experiences are full of unrepaired ruptures and mismatch. I would love to hear you speak about the impact of those.
Leading on from question 4, I would love you to speak to what age it is appropriate for a child to be separated from their parents. And is there a healthy way of doing this? What are the impacts on an adult who has been through this rupture? Are there certain symptoms?
Discord P.31 – What happens if there is discord in a relationship but it is never healed? E.g. a child is sent away to board and never has a chance to speak up or heal the rupture?
Certainty P.226 – I love what you say about certainty and how it “leads us away from growth and healing.” I know in Buddhism that uncertainty, (annicca – impermance) is a key teaching. Could you speak a little about the power of uncertainty in relationships.
If we have been through a rupture like boarding school how do we start to heal this?
How do people find out more about you and the work you do?

To find out more about Claudia M Gold, please visit her website here: https://www.claudiamgoldmd.com/

To buy her books please visit: https://www.claudiamgoldmd.com#

#childrensmentalhealth#attachmentparenting#attachment#attachmenttheory#boardingschool

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AEM Podcast #40 - Karen Macmillan & Sara Warner - The Female Experience of Boarding School

Mon, 22 Aug 2022 16:43:27 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #40 -

Karen Macmillan & Sara Warner

The Female Experience of Boarding School

Women's Boarding School Survivors/ The Impact on Women

What is the female experience of boarding school? Often we talk about the boarding school experiences of boys and how it impacts men later on in life. But often the subject of how boarding school impacts a girl and then a women is not spoken about.

Today I am excited to be speaking with two of the leading women in the field of working with women ex-boarders and bringing this subject to light.

What is boarding school like for a girl? How is it different from boys? What are some of the nuances and differences that make boarding school as impactful on women as it is on men?

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Karen Macmillan counsels adults around a wide range of issues, with a specialism in working with boarding school survivors. She runs CPD workshops for therapists in working with ex boarders with her colleague Sara Warner.

Sara Warner is a BACP registered counsellor and Internal Family Systems Therapist specialising in working with boarding school survivors in private practice in Lewes seeing local, national, and international clients.

Some of the topics and questions we talk about:

Introductions
How did the idea of doing a workshop specifically about working with women ex boarders come about?
Are there particular themes specific to women ex boarders’ experience?
Patriarchy affects women differently to men and both are affected intensely by being in a boarding school – can you say more about this?
Can you talk a bit about internalised misogyny.
Some of the other areas we talk about:
Eating disorders like anorexia, and bulimia
The problems with eating that carry on into later life
How jealousy and envy can still impact women post school.
The main wound being around the breaking of attachments
Self-harming
The denial of the body and especially sexuality in boarding schools
What have you discovered in your work with women?
How do people find out more about your work?

For more information about their work please visit: https://www.counselling-hove.com/my-approach

https://counsellinginlewes.com/

For their workshop online for therapists on October 15th: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/working-with-women-boarding-school-survivors-a-workshop-for-therapists-tickets-305922050087

For the workshop for women ex-boarders run by boarding survivors https://www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk/events-and-workshops/

And for a workshop for male and female ex-boarders: https://www.theboardingschooltherapist.com/boardingschoolawarenesscourse

#girlsboardingschool #boardingschoolforgirls #boardingschoolsyndrome

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AEM Podcast #39 - Bill Kauth - Co-Founder of the Mankind Projkect (MKP) - The Birth of the Mankind Project (MKP)/ Mission/ Community/ Men's Groups

Wed, 03 Aug 2022 11:00:01 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #39 -

Bill Kauth

The Birth of the Mankind Project (MKP)/

Mission/ Community/ Men's Groups

Today on the podcast I am delighted to be speaking to Bill Kauth. Bill is the co-founder of the Mankind Project (MKP) and the New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA). The NWTA has now served over 75,000 men and has 47 centers in 12 countries around the world.

In 1992 St. Martin’s Press published his book A Circle of Men: The Original Manual for Men’s Support Groups (reissued in 2015). As a social inventor over the last two decades, Bill also co-founded the Inner King Training and in 1995 launched the Warrior-Monk Training Retreat.

In his role as “Visionary-at-large” with the MKP, Bill studies the state of the world seeing the need for local tribes and fraternal lodges.

---

Today on the podcast it is a real pleasure to be speaking with Bill. What a great conversation and a great man.

Bill is the founder of the Mankind Project which is one of the world's leading men's charities helping men to live their mission in the world and to support their emotional and mental health.

Some of the questions and topics we talk about:

I would love you to begin by sharing some of your journey. What inspired you to begin the New Warrior Training Adve nture?
I would love you to talk about the importance of mission and purpose, especially for men?
In your opinon having been involved in communities for many decades what are some of the key characteristics of a benevolent and thriving community?
What in your opinion is the reason for men's groups and men's initations? Do you have any advice about how to set up a thriving men's group?
You talk in your book about the need for us as a collective to demand our political leaders live in integrity. How do we go about that?
I would love you to speak about integrity in a man's life. How important is this? How can we as men support each other to stay in integrity?
Play. Often men's work is really serious. I love how you talk about in your book about play and the need to bring play into men's work. Can you speak to that please?
Conflict management. I see quite a bit of conflict in the world. In your experience what is the best way of approaching conflict? How do we move through it and become stronger?
The missing fathers and shame. Ritual and ceremony. Your father and the NWTA. Robert Bly, “We can only learn about manhood from other men.”
In your book you talk about Helen Caldicott and her work in bringing awareness to the current challenges with the environment. As as elder what do you feel we need to do individually today to create a thriving future?
How do people find your books?

To learning more about Bill Kauth's work please visit: https://timefortribe.com

To buy his book in the US: https://www.amazon.com/Bill-Kauth/e/B001KDEROQ?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1&qid=1655121686&sr=8-1

To buy his books in the UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bill-Kauth/e/B001KDEROQ?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1&qid=1655121662&sr=8-1

#billkauth #mankindproject #mkp #menswork #mensgroups

---

AEM Podcast #38 - Dillibe Onyeama - Racial Abuse At Boarding School & Eton, Black Boy At Eton

Tue, 02 Aug 2022 15:28:10 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #38 -

Dillibe Onyeama

Racial Abuse at Boarding School & Eton, A Black Boy At Eton

Today on the podcast I am excited to be speaking to Dillibe Onyeama. Dillibe was the first black boy to graduate from Eton and wrote about his account of boarding school in the 1972 book which was originally called, Nigger At Eton.

Dillibe suffered a lot of racial abuse while at Eton. On the podcast he shares some of his experiences at the school and talks in more detail what happened around the time of the publication of the book. He talks about how the powers that be tried to stop the book being published.

The Nigerian author goes on to talk about fagging, some of the good things about the school and some of his opinions about slavery and how there needs to be some form of restitution.

A truly fascinating conversation...

---

Dillibe Onyeama is a Nigerian author, and publisher. Dillibe was the first Black boy to ever graduate from Eton College, and only the second to join when he started in 1965. In 1972, aged just 21 he wrote about his experiences of Eton. The book is a deeply personal account of the racism he endured during his times as a student at the world-famous institution. He has written 28 books published in 4 countries.

Here are some of the questions that he answers.

I would be really interested to hear you share some of your journey at Eton? How was it for you?
What was the difference for you between your experience of your prep school, Grove Park, and Eton? Were they the same or vastly different?
How did you manage to cope with the racism that was meted out to you at Eton?
I was fascinated to read about your experiences with the South Africans. “I wondered also why I had had more common decency shown to me by these two South Africans than by almost any other white boy at Eton.”(P.144) Would you be able to share some of what happened?
You mention that, “When I encountered racist abuse in some division... I was thus unable to fully concentrate on the teaching.”(P.119) Do you feel that the bullying impacted your ability to study at the school?
What happened after you published your book in 1972? How did you respond to the school?
What were some of the good things about Eton?
I felt really sad reading your story of the hallucinations and violence. I could relate to it having had similar attacks myself later in life. How did you learn to deal with these hallucinations? When you asked for support – was it helpful?
Blackett- Ord (P.225). What impact did this house captain have on the rest of the school in abolishing fagging, beating and fining students by the prefects?
How has time changed your impressions of what happened at Eton? How do you feel about your experiences now? Do you feel, looking from afar that Eton appears to have changed?
Anything else that you would like to share with people?

To purchase a copy of Dillibe's excellent book A Black Boy At Eton please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Black-Boy-Eton-Britain-Writing/dp/0241993814/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1649347143&sr=1-1

To purchase Dillibe's other books: https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=Dillibe+Onyeama&ref=sr_gnr_aps

PLEASE NOTE: The recording does cut out in places due to our connection. I have left it in so that no part of the interview is missed.

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #37 - Rod Boothroyd - King/ Sovereign Archetype

Fri, 29 Jul 2022 16:56:17 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #37 -

Rod Boothroyd

The King Archetype: Exploring The Sovereign and the Shadow Archetypes of the Tyrant King and the Weakling King

Today on the podcast I welcome back Rod Boothroyd for the final part in the series where we explore the archetype of the King or the Queen. We have explored until this point the mature masculine archetypes of the Warrior, Magician, and Lover. Today we complete the quadrant with the Sovereign.

The King or Sovereign is the part of us that is responsible for vision, power, potency, blessing ourselves and others, and bringing order to our internal and external worlds.

The King is also the part of us responsible for the spiritual side of our lives.

Today Rod goes deeper into the subject of the King archetype.

What are the positive aspects and what are the shadows? How do we connect to this energy in a benevolent way?

---

Rod Boothroyd is a counsellor, psychotherapist, a certified “Healing The Shadow” practitioner and the author of the book Warrior, Magician, Lover, King – a guide to the male archetypes updated for the 21st century. He works with men, women and mixed groups to heal the wounds of childhood with Marianne Hill and also trains people in the art of working with the shadow and healing emotional wounds.

Some of the questions that Rod answers are:

1. What is the King or Sovereign archetype?

2. What makes a balanced and mature King?

3. What are the shadows of the archetypes?

4. What are the specific shadows of the King archetype?

5. I would love you to speak more about the emotional wounds of the King. How does this wound come about and what are some of the self-beliefs that are born from this wound?

6. What would you say is the key emotion of the King and why is this emotion so important for a mature male?

7. In your book you mention that you feel that the King archetype is the one which is most out of balance in the modern man. Why is this? Has it changed over the past few decades since Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette published their books?

8. How do we cultivate the King - what are the steps that we can take to embody the King more fully in our lives?

9. You mention that the King is about life purpose and mission. Can you talk a little more to us about how to connect to our mission and purpose as men and women?

10. How to connect to your work?

#kingwarriormagicianlover

#kingarchetype #rodboothroyd

Books: Rod Boothroyd: Warrior Magician Lover King; A Guide to the Male Archetypes Updated for the 21st Century

Josh Waitzkin: The Art of Learning

Bill Kauth: A Circle Of Men; The Original Manual For Men's Groups

Pete Walker: Complex PTSD

Robert Moore: The Archetype of Initiation

John Bradshaw: HomeComing

Philip Shepherd: Radical Wholeness

Paul Gilbert: The Compassionate Mind

Pete Walker: The Tao of Fully Feeling

Training as a shadow work practitioner: https://www.htsorganisation.co.uk

To contact Rod to learn more about Ed Rooke's Lover Workshops please email: rod@strongfreemen.co.uk

Group healing and self development work:

Men: https://www.strongfreemen.co.uk

https://www.menwithoutmasks.com

https://www.thecipproject.com https://mankindprojectuki.org/

https://illuman.org

Men and women:

https://www.celebrationofbeing.co.uk/

https://healingtheshadow.co.uk

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #36 - Suzanne Zeedyk Ph.D - Developmental Psychologist: Attachment Theory, ACEs, Trauma, Boarding School

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 12:15:00 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #36 -

Suzanne Zeedyk Ph.D

Leading Developmental Psychologist: Attachment Theory, ACEs, Trauma, Boarding School Syndrome

Today I am delighted to be speaking to Dr Suzanne Zeedyk.

In this episode of An Evolving Man Podcast we explore attachment theory, ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), Trauma and boarding school. Suzanne explores what trauma and attachment theory is.

And then she goes in to exploring how this relates in the world of boarding school and boarding school syndrome.

A really fascinating discussion from one of the world's leading developmental psychologists who has shared a stage with Gabor Mate among other people.

We cover lots of areas from Early Years Framework, the effect of Covid and lockdowns on children and how boarding school effects our leaders developmentally.

Topic: Legitimising the trauma of Boarding School Survivors

1. Tell us about your background and how you became interested in this topic.
a. Developmental psychologist, specialty is infants
b. Babies come into the world wired for connection.
c. Left academia to disseminate this to the public.
d. I often say this: “My aim is to strengthen awareness of the decisions we take
about caring for our children — because those choices are integrally connected
to our vision for the kind of society we wish to build.”

2. Tell us about the rise of the Trauma Movement (which some people call the ACEs
Movement)– here in the UK & beyond.
a. UK - Wider public awareness of trauma began in about 2015. (Wales, Scotland).
VERY multi-sector: Education, Law, Social Work, Business, Care, Parents.
b. USA – Earlier, about 2012
c. Publication of ACEs Study - 1998
d. In my view, this all goes back much further – to 1930s & beginning of Attachment
Theory.

3. Give us a sense of how trauma works. Why does it leave such impact?
a. How childhood trauma works - There is a biological impact. I talk about this as
‘Sabre Tooth Tigers & Teddy Bears’.
b. Growing up emotionally healthy requires: 1) Safe, reassuring relationships. 2)
Having your emotional experiences validated.
c. There have been conflicts about is the best language to refer to all of this: Trauma,
ACEs, Attachment. I myself often use the word ‘suffering’.
d. Some people describe Boarding School as creating resilience. It doesn’t. It
creates emotional atrophy. Your feelings in boarding school aren’t validated, are
they?? Survivors are helping us to see that what results is: Relationship problems,
self-regulatory problems, loneliness.

4. ***You think Boarding School Trauma has been left out of the Trauma Movement? And
you think there needs to be a change in that? Tell us more.
a. Boarding School Survivor Syndrome - began 1990s w/ Nick Duffel & Joy Schaverien.
b. A community of BSS support has grown up.
c. Loads of people are writing books on Boarding Schools – Alex Renton, Richard
Beard, Musa Okwonga, Robert Verkaik. Lots others are talking in other ways, on
social media: Joanna Britten. And the Sexual Abuse Enquiries getting lots of
coverage in media.
d. But it has STILL stayed very separate from the trauma movement. Most of the
public aren’t aware of its existence.
e. I have been very involved in the growth of Trauma/ACES Movement in Scotland.
NEVER have I EVER heard Boarding School Syndrome mentioned in any of those
discussions.
f. Recent quote on a FB page, in reference to my talking about this on Twitter: “This is
the first time I’ve heard someone listening to us.”g. I have realised that what is obvious to me is not obvious to others. I included a discussion of boarding school in the 2nd edition of my book Sabre Tooth Tigers &
Teddy Bears, published in 2020. But I now realise that is a bit unusual.
h. So I have an increasing goal, which is to bring BSS ‘into the fold’ – under the
umbrella with all the other sources of suffering for children. I like to think it helps
that I am NOT from a boarding school background at all. I come from outside that
world, although I have read a lot about it and have friends/colleagues who have
been part of it.

5. Why do you think that separation/exclusion exists?
FOUR reasons:
a. Conceptualisation of suffering. We have tended to focus on children in care,
poverty, dysfunctional or chaotic families. The idea this could exist in ‘posh
families’ is odd for many people – a rather different socioeconomic slant. Even
getting as far as we have has been a bit controversial. Some people have argued
that focusing on trauma detracts from addressing poverty, and they wish we would
just focus on that, as it would relieve suffering.
b. Legitimacy. There is reluctance/resentment to extend the compassion that has
been developed for children in poverty/chaotic families to ‘rich kids’. “Your
parents paid to send you away to boarding school. You still have material
resources, wealth, power. How do you get to claim equal legitimacy of suffering?”
(BUT we’ve got as far as the middle classes: Drinking alcohol went up during
COVID. Middle Class kids can ‘have trauma’. It’s not just the poor kids. So now we
can maybe extend it to the rich kids.)
c. Public Awareness. Most people don’t know anyone (well) who went to Boarding
School. So what happens there is ‘secret’ (to quote Alex Renton). It is outside
general awareness. They MIGHT get the attachment trauma – sending your child
away early. But they can’t conceive the violence (bullying, humiliation, physical
violence, sexual violence, sense of threat, denial of emotions). So what we have is
ACEs on top of fundamental attachment trauma (the break with parents, to be sent
away to school). Perhaps that goes even further back in development, to infant
experiences, as Simon Partridge keeps pointing out.
d. Boarding School Survivors Awareness. How do boarding school survivors
themselves come to understand themselves as ‘traumatised’? It is a very painful
journey to unpack what happened to you. That’s what Nick Duffel means by
‘privileged abandonment’. You are meant to value what happened to you. Your
parents paid for it. You are special & lucky. To conceive of it as damaging is
disloyal. You have to legitimise your own suffering. (Many people don’t even do
that. They see that they benefitted from the suffering.) And as many authors have
stressed, that suffering has been seen as worthwhile. It is what toughens you up.
So how are you meant to complain about it?

6. What are the consequences of legitimising suffering of Boarding School Children?
This is fascinating in my view!
a. We begin to conceive of childhood suffering in a new way, more comprehensively.
b. We begin to think about ‘parenting culture’. Could it be that the normal way the
‘upper classes’ have raised their children for many generations is damaging – that
this style of parenting is in itself traumatic? What is the likelihood thatintergenerational trauma is mixed in there too, passed in the DNA from one
generation to the next?
c. This would explain why we see some of the governmental actions we are
witnessing right now – we are governed by traumatised people.
d. All of that would be deeply uncomfortable to consider. (But I find this fascinating!)
It causes us to reexamine how we think of social structures in the UK. Members of
the upper class are not always admirable/esteemed, but often cruel. It is likely
there would be resistance from people who are member of that group to such a
characterisation. Who sees themselves as cruel? And why would you want to stop
raising children this way, if you can afford it – if it requires sacrificing social
networks and education quality for your child?

7. What questions does my stance leave us with?
a. What are the childhood experiences of our leaders and influential members of
society? Politicians, MET Police, media
b. Is the boarding school system the same now as it was in the 1960s & 1970s? Is it as
violent? (No.) Is it as attachment traumatic? (No.) So perhaps we are talking about
the past and not the present?
c. How does the general public learn more about what goes on / went on in boarding
school?
d. How do you get boarding/independent schools to reflect and guard against such
damages? Do you have to get rid of the system altogether? (Alex Renton says he
cannot find any boarding schools who acknowledge the relevance of Attachment
Theory.)
e. How do you weave this into Britain’s colonial history? Our ‘Empire’ has had a
massive impact on the globe. It was powered by people who had been to Boarding
School. That was, in a sense, in the 19th century, the purpose of the system: To
churn out (damaged) people who would service the Empire. And they did.... And as
a result, they damaged a lot of other people/countries. Resmaa Menakem in the
US is trying to bring a trauma lens to understanding race & slavery in America. We
could do the same in Britain to class. We have a lot to answer for around the
globe...

8. Is healing from boarding school trauma possible?
a. Yes. Its possible. Start w/ curiosity. Bessel van der Kolk’s book. The Body Keeps
the Score. Or Oprah & Bruce Perry: What Happened To You?

9. Where to find out more about me?
a. Websites
b. My book SBT & TB – includes Boarding School – the work of Tony Gammidge

#childdevelopment #boardingschools #attachment theory

For more information about Suzanne please visit: https://suzannezeedyk.com/

Or: https://connectedbaby.net

For her Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/drsuzannezeedyk/

To follow her on Twitter: https://twitter.com/suzannezeedyk

Suzanne's book: Tigers and Teddies: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sabre-Tooth-Tigers-Teddy-Bears-ebook/dp/B0874TNWFY/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=suzanne+zeedyk&qid=1652369012&sprefix=suzanne+zee%2Caps%2C117&sr=8-2

Trailer for Resilience https://youtu.be/49YZ2rn5R2M

Alex Renton's book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Blood-Legacy-Reckoning-Familys-Slavery/dp/1786898896/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=alex+renton&qid=1652369388&sprefix=alex+re%2Caps%2C121&sr=8-3

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #35 - Revd Carl Chambers - Healing Abuse In The Church

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 11:17:04 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #35 -

Revd Carl Chambers

Church Abuse & Safeguarding: Healing Abuse in The Church

Today I am excited to be talking to Carl Chambers about the church. As a Vicar for the Church of England today he brings light and hope to the conversation about the church sexual abuse and for the need for truth and reconciliation.

A really powerful conversation with a very courageous man. I spent several months looking for someone to speak up about the church and found it very difficult to find anyone.

Carl was a real pleasure to speak to with so much wisdom and how we can move forward. It is time for us to share our stories and be heard. Carl is also an ex-boarder so he shares some of his own experiences at boarding school...

----

Carl Chambers is a Church of England Vicar at St. Michael & All Angels Church in Wilmington, Kent. He is passionate about giving voice and shining light on issues in the church.

Some of the questions for Carl:

I would love for you to share some of your journey in getting to where you are now. What led you into the church?
I notice within the church that there has been a lot of cover up over different issues like safeguarding and abuse. Why do you feel this is the case?
How do we start to shine light into these issues and bring healing to those who have been affected by some of these wrongdoings in the church?
Is there any light that you can shine and speak about? What is it that we are not talking about?
I know that you attended boarding school from a young age. What was the impact for you of going to board at such a young age?
Bullying. Why is bullying so latent in some boarding schools? How does it crush people? Again, what can we do to start to bring healing to what went on in these schools?
What changed your mind about your boarding school experiences? You left as head boy and thought that you loved it.
What is your analogy regarding the church and the abuse?
What is your vision moving forward? How do we bring healing to these institutions?

#churchabuse #churchabuse #reconciliation

For more information about the work that Carl does please visit: https://www.stmichaelswilmington.org.uk/home.htm

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #34 - Tony Gammidge - Art Therapy

Thu, 02 Jun 2022 10:26:07 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #34 -

Tony Gammidge

Art Therapy and The Power of Creativity in Healing Trauma

Today I am speaking with Tony Gammidge about art therapy and the power of creativity in healing trauma on my podcast.

In this episode we also take some time to talk about his own boarding school experiences and the work that he does in prison and secure units helping people to tell their stories and find peace and healing...

By telling our stories we can learn to heal.

---

Tony Gammidge is an Artist, Filmmaker/Animator, trainer and HCPC registered Art Therapist.

He has a particular interest in stories, and personal narrative and in the idea of embodied storymaking (stories that are made by hand as well as told). This is reflected in his own work, films , artist books an d installations but also in his participatory work in prisons, secure units, mental health settings and centres for asylum seekers.

He has made over 30 films with participants in this time. Many of these films have won Koestler awards and been screened in conferences, symposiums and in galleries and museums.

---

Some of the questions that Tony answers are:

I would love to start my interview with a little more about you. What drew you into the work that you now do?
Could you talk about art therapy please? I found art and creativity to be so healing in my own therapeutic journey. What is it? How has it helped you and your clients?
In working in groups of ex-boarding school men I have seen the transformation that story-telling has on the individual and the group. In your opinion, what is the importance of story-telling? What happens when we tell our stories? And what happens to those who hear us speak or perform our personal journeys?
Could you please speak about the idea of ‘home’ or its loss (or ambiguous loss), also in contrast the ‘Hostile environment’ (eg Home Office's attitude to refugees)?
Could you also please talk about embodied narrative, stories told through the hands and the body. Could you give an example? How does this process of embodied narrative work?
How do our early experiences often shape our careers (for you in prisons and with refugees)?
I would love you to speak about your animations and the work that you do in secure units and prisons. Would you be able to share a little about Norton Grim? Where did this character come from and how did making the film about him feel?
What were your experiences of boarding school like?
Could you share some of the healing that has happened in these environments as people have had permission to share their stories?
How do people find out more about you?

#tonygammidge #arttherapy #traumaarttherapy

For more information about Tony and the work he does please visit: https://www.tonygammidge.com/

He mentions an interview with Dr Pauline Boss on Ambiguous Loss on the ‘On Being’ website:

https://onbeing.org/programs/pauline-boss-navigating-loss-without-closure/

And his Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/tonygammidge

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #33 - Bruce Parry - Behind The Scenes with BBC's Tribe, Amazon and Tawai/ Early Life/ Boarding School/ Military/ What He Learned

Fri, 29 Apr 2022 16:15:03 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #33 -

Bruce Parry

Behind The Scenes with BBC's Tribe, Amazon and Tawai

Exploring His Early Life/ Boarding School/ Military/ What He Learned

Today on the podcast I am delighted to be speaking with Bruce Parry who is the BAFTA award winning producer, director and presenter.

We go behind the scenes of his TV shows, the BBC's Tribe, Artic, and Amazon and his feature length film, Tawai. What was it like living with the tribes of the world? What did he learn about the world, himself and those he spent time with?

He also explores some of his experiences at boarding school and in the military. A really fascinating conversation with lots of wisdom insights and

---

Bru ce Parry is an English documentarian, indigenous rights advocate , author , explorer , trek leader and former Royal Marines commando officer.

His documentary series for the BBC entitled Tribe , Amazon , and Arctic have shown him exploring extreme environments, living with remote indigenous peoples and highlighting many of the important issues being faced on the environmental frontline.

He directed and produced the film Tawai in 2017 which explores the different ways that humans relate to nature and how this influences the way we create our societies.

---

Some of the questions that Bruce answers are:

The making of his feature film Tawai. What went into the making of it?
Talking about meeting the Kogi Indians in Columbia and how that helped to bring about a huge change in himself and the direction of the film.
He talks about renunciation and how he went without drugs, alcohol and sex to help prepare for the film Tawai and the consequences when he broke his renunciation.
What did he learn from the tribal people's of the world to help us at this time while he was filming BBC's Tribe, Amazon and Arctic?
How do we bring the ancient ways into modern society?
He shares some of his own journey at boarding school and the military and the structure of those environments, contrasting with the tribal worlds.
What has he learned about community living? What makes a great community? What doesn't?
The importance of doing inner healing work – taking full responsibility for our own healing.
The power of listening – how he learned to listen to the tribes he visited
He talks about how the indigenous tribes like the Penan and the Mbenjeli have no violence. They see violence and aggression as a mental illness.
How competition doesn't exist in the tribes like the Penan. He shares stories of times with the Mbenjeli where he realsed that there was no competition.
His vision and words for the future.

To learn more about Bruce Parry's work please visit: https://www.bruceparry.com/about

And to support him on Patreon please visit: https://www.patreon.com/bruceparry

To watch his amazing film Tawai: https://www.tawai.earth/

#bruceparry #bbctribe #tawai

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #32 - Dawson Church, PhD - PTSD, Complex PTSD, Science & EFT Tapping, Energy Psychology

Mon, 25 Apr 2022 15:57:41 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast AEM #32 -

Dawson Church, PhD

PTSD, Complex PTSD, Science & EFT Tapping, Energy Psychology

Today, I am excited to be speaking to Dawson Church, PhD, on my podcast. Dawson is an award-winning author of the best-selling books, The Genie in Your Genes, Mind to Matter and the Bliss Brain.

We talk about PTSD, and complex PTSD and how it impacts our brains and physiology and what we can start to do to begin the healing process.

It was a really great conversation with a man who is at the leading edge of research into the effectiveness of EFT, Matrix Reimprinting and Energy Psychology.

As many of you know, I have been using EFT since 2000 and have found it transformative on my own healing journey from childhood trauma especially boarding school syndrome. I was really passionate to hear the science behind how EFT works and why it works so well.

---

Dawson did undergraduate and graduate work at Baylor University, and obtained his doctorate at Holos University under the supervision of Harvard-trained neurosurgeon Norm Shealey, MD, PhD, founder of the American Holistic Medical Association.

Dawson founded the National Institute for Integrative Healthcare to study and implement promising evidence-based psychological and medical techniques.

His groundbreaking research has been published in many prestigious scientific journals. Dawson is the editor of Energy Psychology: Theory, Research, & Treatment , a peer-reviewed professional journal.

Some of the questions that Dawson answers are:

I would love for you to share some of your journey. How did you get into the work that you do now?
I would love for you to explain some of the research and scientific studies that you have done over the years into trauma and especially PTSD. Would you be able to share what your finding have been? What are some of the most effective tools for healing PTSD?
I would love to hear what you feel about Complex PTSD. Due to the nature of residential schools many ex-students feel that they have Complex PTSD or Complex Trauma. Has much research been done into this field? If yes, what have the findings been?
I have been practising and working with EFT since 2000. I would love for you to explain how EFT works and why it seems to work so well especially with trauma.
In your book, Bliss Brain, you cite Maria Diamond's research into the factors that are important for a healthy brain. What happens to the brain if we grow up in an environment that doesn't have some of the above 5 factors? Can we heal that in later life? How?
Happiness: I would love for you to speak about happiness. I n these challenging times how do we stay heart-centred and happy?
The future – the world seems to be in some chaos at the moment. What is your vision for the future? What can we do to move towards that future vision?
Where do people learn more about your work or find out more about you?

#dawsonchurch #energy psychology #ptsd

To find out more about Dawson Church please visit: https://dawsongift.com/

To visit his website EFT Universe: https://www.eftuniverse.com/

To get a free copy of his brilliant book, Bliss Brain: https://blissbrain.com/

To download his app Stress Solution: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.app.stresssolutionlive

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #31 - Rod Boothroyd - Lover Archetype - Depth Psychology - King Warrior Magician Lover

Fri, 01 Apr 2022 15:53:17 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #27 Rod Boothroyd -

Lover Archetype - King Warrior Magician Lover

Exploring the Lover, the Addict and the Impotent One

Today on the podcast I welcome back Rod Boothroyd. Here we go deeper into the archetype of the Lover.

The Lover is the part of us that is responsible for feeling, connecting to others, eros and sexuality, creativity and spontaneity. The Lover is the part of us responsible for the emotional and feeling side of our lives.

Today Rod goes deeper into the subject of the Lover archetype. What are the positive aspects and what are the shadows? How do we connect to this energy in a benevolent way?

If you went to boarding school then I really recommend watching this podcast episode.

At boarding school, in my opinion, this was the part of us that we most suppressed and hated. We shoved it down inside and wished that it would go away. But in reality this is the part of us that we now need in relationships both with ourselves and with others. Rod talk about how you can start to reawaken that part of yourself.

---

He works with men, women and mixed groups to heal the wounds of childhood with Marianne Hill and also trains people in the art of working with the shadow and healing emotional wounds.

Some of the questions that Rod answers are:

What is the Lover archetype?
What makes a balanced and mature Lover?
What are the shadows of the archetypes?
What are the specific shadows of the Lover archetype?
I would love you to speak more about the emotional wounds of the Lover. How does this wound come about and what are some of the self-beliefs that are born from this wound?
What would you say is the key emotion of the Lover and why does it help to move through this emotion?
In certain areas the Lover seems to be in conflict with the other archetypes. The Lover seems to be about having no boundaries whereas the Warrior is about boundaries. What can we do to integrate the Lover without it taking over our lives and spiralling into addictions?
Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette speak of the need of a strong father in puberty to help the adolescent break away from the mother so that he can experience himself “as fully masculine.” In your opinion does this happen at the moment? How do we as men help this to happen so boys can become men?
How do we cultivate the Lover - what are the steps that we can take to embody the Lover?
How to connect to your work?

#kingwarriormagicianlover #loverarchetype #rodboothroyd

Books:

Rod Boothroyd: Warrior Magician Lover King; A Guide to the Male Archetypes Updated for the 21st Century

Josh Waitzkin: The Art of Learning

Bill Kauth: A Circle Of Men; The Original Manual For Men's Groups

Pete Walker: Complex PTSD

Robert Moore: The Archetype of Initiation

John Bradshaw: HomeComing

Philip Shepherd: Radical Wholeness

Paul Gilbert: The Compassionate Mind

Pete Walker: The Tao of Fully Feeling

Training as a shadow work practitioner:

https://www.htsorganisation.co.uk

To contact Rod to learn more about Ed Rooke's Lover Workshops please email: rod@strongfreemen.co.uk

Group healing and self development work:

Men:

https://www.strongfreemen.co.uk

https://www.menwithoutmasks.com

https://www.thecipproject.com

https://mankindprojectuki.org/

https://illuman.org

Men and women:

https://www.celebrationofbeing.co.uk/

https://healingtheshadow.co.uk /

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #30 - Michael Boyle - Times of Change - Visioning The Future - Robert Bly- Men's Work & Initiation

Fri, 01 Apr 2022 15:43:25 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #30: Michael Boyle: Times of Change - Visioning The Future -

Robert Bly- Men's Work & Initiation

Today I am speaking with Michael Boyle on the 30 ^th episode of An Evolving Man (AEM) podcast.

Michael is one of the founders of men's work in the UK having been central to inviting over Robert Bly and Robert Moore, author of King Warrior Magician Lover in the 1990s.

He was also central to bringing the Mankind Project, MKP to the UK which is a global charity that runs rites of passage weekends for men.

---

Michael Boyle founded and directed a successful commercial enterprise before making a mid-life transition into the world of myth and archetypal psychology.

He has an MA in Psychotherapy and for over 20 years has worked extensively as a facilitator and presenter on corporate leadership programmes throughout the world. He enhances his archetypal work through extensive training and experience in Group Facilitation, Shadow Work and Systemic Constellations.

He regards the Archetypal approach as key to stimulating the necessary self-awareness that facilitates sustained behaviour change. Michael is a founding Partner and Senior Programme Director of Olivier Mythodrama and lives in London in the UK.

Michael is also the founder of Abandofbrothers, a charity providing rites of passage experiences and local male mentors for disaffected young men. He is also a certified Leader and Leader Trainer for the ManKind Project, a global men’s network, and leads “The Adventure,” an initiatory experience for men, internationally. Michael’s most recent project, Breaking the Spell, is specifically designed to support men and women to liberate themselves from restricting personal and cultural conditioning.

Questions for Michael:

I would love for you to share some of your journey – what sparked your mid-life transition into men's work and the Mythopoetic tradition? What have you learned along the way?
What are some of your stories and teachings from Robert Bly?
I would love for you to speak about rites of passage and initiation. What is the importance of community?
I would love for you to speak more about purpose and the archetypes? Would you be able to go into more depth about the power of the archetypal work and the extended framework that you now use?
I would love you to speak about Sovereign purpose. What is meant by this? How do we connect with this?
I would love for you to talk more about the belief that “people do not so much “grow” as evolve into more fulfilled versions of who they really are.”
“The more you develop yourself as a person the more qualified you are for leadership.” Would share some of the wisdom you have learned over the past 30 years about leadership? What some of the key qualities of a great leader? How do we cultivate them? Would you say that our current leaders are in that category? If not, how do we help them or the system to change?
What is your vision for the future? How do we go through this rite of passage and come out the other side?

For more information about Michael's work please visit: https://www.oliviermythodrama.com

For the archetypal self-assessment: https://archetypesatwork.com/freeassessment/

For information about the Band of Brothers: https://abandofbrothers.org.uk/

For the Mankind Project: https://mankindproject.org /

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #29 - Michael Maisey - Young Offender - From Armed Robber to Local Hero

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 13:15:09 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #29: Michael Maisey - Young Offender - From Armed Robber to Local Hero

From Alcoholism, Drugs and Crime to Helping Others

On episode #29 of the An Evolving Man Podcast I speak with the author, Michael Maisey. Michael is an amazing man and has a truly astonishing story. From sexual abuse, violence, drug and alcohol addiction, attempted suicide and being arrested as a teenager for armed robbery and attempted murder Michael spent several years in prison.

On leaving prison Michael continued struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. At age 25 through the support of the AA and the 12 Step Program he gave up alcohol and drugs. He set up a thriving business in real estate and now teaches others through workshops and talks how to transform their lives.

He has been given awards for his work and has appeared as a contestant on Channel Four's show with Ant Middleton, SAS, Who Dares Win, Season 4.

Today we talk about his journey and the tools he has used to transform his life and those of thousands of others. He talks about what it is to be a man, how to transform even the most horrific abuse and how we support the young people who are struggling with crime and addictions.

---

Michael is the Author of the Best-Selling Book 'Young Offender'. He has been sober for 14 years and since his release from prison in 2001 he has been on a journey practicing healing and self-development on himself to improve his life and heal the wounds from his own childhood. He went from a child from an underprivileged background, with zero qualifications to being in a position to retire at the age of 35.

He works with all the tools which he has found to be most beneficial. He brings these tools together to help others reach their full potential and help them to step up and let their own light shine. His core belief is about 100% accountability, giving back, and transforming the lives of others from all walks of life.

Some questions for Michael:

I would love for you to share some of your incredible journey. What was the path that led you to do the work that you now do with men, women and teenagers?
Importance of role models: Looking back at your own life, what do you feel is the importance of having benevolent older role models in your life, especially as a teenager? What happens when we don't have that? In your book you talk about having an older friend called, Jake, who was 3 years older than you and his influence on you. What do you feel young men are lacking in terms of role models? What's the answer?
If your child is struggling: You mention the first time you are arrested that a policeman came to your house. And then the chief superintendent giving you a talking down when you were arrested for armed robbery. Their tactics didn't seem to work for you. What do you feel would have worked for you? And for those who have kids who are getting wayward what is the best way of talking to them?
Giving up addictions: How important was the support of the 12-step program and your sponsors of Sean, and Matt. What else could you share about the journey of healing your addictions?
If there is time I would love you to speak to these subjects:
The connection between childhood trauma and struggles later in life.
Forgiveness – how did you manage to forgive those like your uncle for what they did when you were younger?
'Creating a tough, scary and mean' persona. How did you start to dismantle it.
Rites of passage and initiation.
The importance of finding your purpose (P.251)
How important has having authenticity and vulnerability been for you? When you were told not to disclose your own history to your clients (P.254) how did that feel?
Honesty and integrity: the importance and how it felt to be working in real estate when your colleagues weren't being honest.
Tools and processes. What are some of the most powerful and transformative tools that you have used?
What do you feel needs to happen in prison to rehabilitate people? How do we change the current system?
How do people find out more about your work?

#michaelmaisey #youngoffender #overcomingaddictions

To find out more about Michael's work please visit: https://www.thecipproject.com

To buy Michael's book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Young-Offender/dp/B07PGB5459/ref=sr_1_1?crid=14976ZG86CUHV&keywords=young+offender&qid=1645097510&sprefix=young+offender%2Caps%2C191&sr=8-1

To visit him on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thecipproject

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/michaelmaisey/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Michael_Maisey

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #28 - Ulf Sandstrom - Healing Trauma in War-Torn Areas - How To Heal Trauma - Trauma Tapping Technique

Thu, 17 Feb 2022 18:12:12 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #28 Ulf Sandstrom:

Healing Trauma in War-Torn Areas -

How To Heal Trauma- Trauma Tapping Technique (TTT)

Today I am speaking with Ulf Sandstrom on my podcast. Ulf is a fascinating man who co-founded the charity Peaceful Heart Network which goes to areas of conflict and natural disasters to help heal emotional and mental trauma.

The main tool that they use is the Trauma Tapping Technique which is based on the work of Thought Field Therapy (TFT) and Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT).

They have worked with 1000s of people and have had transformative results working with child soldiers, victims of rape, violence and orphans of different wars.

Ulf also teaches and leads us through one of the techniques.

---

Ulf Sandstrom is a Swedish trauma facilitator, working to ease suffering and prevent violence by spreading methods for trauma relief and resilience to stress. Together with Gunilla Hamne he is a co-founder of the Peaceful Heart Network, a non-profit active in over 30 countries in areas where conflict and natural disasters have left people vulnerable and hyper vigilant.

They have received the ACEP humanitarian award for their work, developed the Trauma Tapping Technique, conducted studies on the effects of it on children liberated from armed forces in DR Congo, and developed free tools like the app Self Help For Trauma in 27 languages.

Ulf works with individuals and teams looking to regain control of life and to develop organic self-leadership skills combining Trauma Tapping and with Havening Techniques, Neurolinguistic Programming, hypnosis, Clean Language and Mental Training.

Questions for Ulf:

I would love you to share a little more about how you started working in the area you now do as a trauma facilitator?
Would you be able to share a little bit about trauma and especially emotional and mental trauma? Why is it so important to heal these traumas? What in your opinion is the impact when trauma is not dealt with?
I would love you to share some of your stories of working in war-torn places. Was there a conscious decision to go to Africa in the first place? Or were you asked?
How receptive were people at the beginning when learning the tools like Trauma Tapping Technique? Were there methods that you used to help people to be more receptive to these techniques?
What was the impact of using these tools? How long did it take for you and Gunilla to realise that these tools were really helping and having a really positive impact in the communities?
Would you be able to share some of the studies you conducted showing how EFT and Tapping and some of the other tools help others? Or some case studies from your own work?
Would you be happy to share some of the techniques with us?
A lot of my audience are ex-boarders having been sent away from home at a young age. Some have received bullying or other forms of abuse. Having worked with severe trauma what would your message be to someone who has been affected by childhood trauma? In your opinion is it possible to heal?
What are some of the keys to healing trauma and living happy and fulfilled lives?
How do people find out more about your work?

For more information about Ulf and the work they do please visit: http://www.selfhelpfortrauma.org

To download their app Self Help For Trauma https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=se.selfhelpfortrauma.app

https://worldwidestressrelief.org/join-the-research /

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #27 - Rod Boothroyd - Magician Archetype - Depth Psychology - King Warrior Magician Lover

Wed, 02 Feb 2022 17:43:22 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #27 Rod Boothroyd -

Magician Archetype - King Warrior Magician Lover

Exploring the Magician, the Trickster and the Safety Officer

Today on the podcast I welcome back Rod Boothroyd to go deeper into the archetype of the Magician.

The Magician is the part of us that is responsible for thinking, for analysing and for planning things out. The Magician is the part of us responsible for the mental side of our lives.

Today Rod explores deeper into the subject of the Magician. What are the positive aspects and what are the shadows? How do we connect to this energy in a benevolent way?

---

He works with men, women and mixed groups to heal the wounds of childhood with Marianne Hill and also trains people in the art of working with the shadow and healing emotional wounds.

---

Some of the questions that Rod answers are:

What is the Magician archetype?
What makes a balanced and mature Magician?
What are the shadows of the archetypes?
What are the specific shadows of the Magician archetype?
I would love you to speak more about the Safety Officer. What is this aspect and how does it show up in our lives?
What would you say is the key emotion of the Magician and why does it help to face this emotion?
What about the trickster? In some cultures the Trickster is seen as a gift. Is the Trickster only negative or does it have positive qualities?
I see that people who are in the Magician shadow often disassociate. What have you found has really helped people to come back into their bodies?
How do we cultivate the Magician - what are the steps that we can take to embody the Magician?
How do we find Sacred Time for the Magician? How important is this?
How to heal the Magician shadow
How to connect to your work?

#kingwarriormagicianlover #magicianarchetype #rodboothroyd

Books:

Rod Boothroyd: Warrior Magician Lover King; A Guide to the Male Archetypes Updated for the 21st Century

Josh Waitzkin: The Art of Learning

Bill Kauth: A Circle Of Men; The Original Manual For Men's Groups

Pete Walker: Complex PTSD

Robert Moore: The Archetype of Initiation

Training as a shadow work practitioner:

https://www.htsorganisation.co.uk

Group healing and self development work:

Men:

https://www.strongfreemen.co.uk

https://www.menwithoutmasks.com

https://www.thecipproject.com

https://mankindprojectuki.org/

https://illuman.org

Men and women:

https://www.celebrationofbeing.co.uk/

https://healingtheshadow.co.uk/

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #26 - Dick Moore - Mental Health in Schools & Boarding Schools - What Can We Do To Help The Young People?

Mon, 17 Jan 2022 13:50:17 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #26 Dick Moore -

Mental Health in Schools & Boarding Schools -

Ex-Headteacher Talks About What

We Can Do To Help The Young People?

Today I am speaking with Dick Moore on my podcast. We talk about with the current mental health crisis in schools and with young people. We talk about suicide, self-harming and the pressure that young people are under. What can we do?

Dick Moore has worked as an English teacher, rugby coach, boarding school housemaster and, for over twenty years, the headmaster of a co-educational day and boarding school.

He has a passionate interest in adolescent development and emotional wellbeing. He qualified as a Youth Mental Health First Aid Instructor in 2012 and joined the Charlie Waller Trust in 2012. He has also attended an ASIST Suicide Intervention course.

Dick now travels the country giving talks to teachers, young people and parents to help raise awareness of mental health issues.

---

Here are some of the questions that he answers:

Can you share a little about your own journey? What drew you into doing the work that you now do regarding mental health?
I would be really interested to hear you speak about suicide and suicide ideation. Why is this such a problem at the moment especially with young people? And especially young males?
The pressure young people are under. Do you feel that young people are under more pressure now than in our day, especially after the last 2 years? Why is this? What can we as adults support them? What can young people do to manage and handle this pressure better?
I would love for you to speak a little about mental health in boarding schools. In your opinion, is there more pressure in a boarding school environment than a day school? One of my friends committed suicide while I was at boarding school. I saw the amount of pressure the boy was under and the lack of support. Has this changed since our day at boarding school?
Could you speak a little on male and female emotional honesty please? Do you feel that this has developed over the years or not?
I would love you to speak on the whole area of discrimination - in all walks of life…families, schools, friendships, businesses, race, creed, gender etc. etc.
How do we better support the young people? Especially in boarding schools where the houseparents are often under so much pressure. Is there something that we can set up in schools? In your experience what do you feel would work?
How do people learn more about what you do or reach out to you?

For more information about Dick Moore and other resources:

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthchildren #boardingschool

For more information about Dick's work and to invite him to speak at your school please visit: https://www.dickmoore.org/

To find out more about the Charlie Waller Trust: https://charliewaller.org/

A PDF spreadsheet about mental health: https://docs.wixstatic.com/ugd/b5791d_58764f25627b4275a3c925206b3e8a74.pdf

Mental Health Qualifications: https://mentalhealthlearning.co.uk/courses/asist/

or: https://mhfaengland.org/individuals/youth/

Papyrus Mental Health Charity: https://www.papyrus-uk.org /

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #25 - Theuns Opperman - Headteacher Talks About Duty of Care, 'Breaking Children Down To Build Them Up' and Abuse in Boarding Schools

Mon, 03 Jan 2022 17:41:10 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #25 -Theuns Opperman - Headteacher Talks About Duty of Care, 'Breaking Children Down To Build Them Up' and Abuse in Boarding Schools

Today I am speaking with Theuns Opperman who is a headteacher based in South Africa.

He has been in teaching for 20 years and has worked in several boarding schools.

Today we explore his take on why elite schools and especially boarding schools seem to put the institutions first rather than the children.

He goes on to explore what we can start to do to change the system and stop the abuse and sexual grooming which goes on in some of these schools.

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Theuns Opperman is a headteacher in South Africa. He set up the Teach! Conferences which support teacher development in 2012. He has been a teacher for over 20 years and has worked in boarding schools both as a teacher and on a senior level. He now works as a principal in a secondary school in Johannesburg.

Here are some of the questions that he answers:

I would love for you to begin by sharing some of your own journey. What inspired you to get into teaching? What was the inspiration behind speaking up about some of the high profile suicide and sexual abuse cases in South Africa, especially in boarding schools?
Could you explain a little bit about Thomas Kruger please? What happened?
Why, in your opinion, do schools cover up any negative press, especially around sexual abuse? Why is it that it is school first, children second? Has it changed?
You mention in your article that in some boarding schools they want to break the child down in order to build them up. I know from my boarding experience that this approach didn't work for me. What is your feeling about this? What should schools be doing instead?
Having worked in a boarding school do you feel that the load placed on the teachers and houseparents is too much? For this reason is this why they miss the abuse? What can be done?
Many schools in South Africa and across the UK have had military style discipline. And most of the discipline has been meted out by the children. Does this work?
What is the importance of having teachers that have emotional intelligence? How do they cultivate this?
What in your opinion are the “layers of experience in a boarding environment?”
In your opinion as a headteacher how do we start to change the system? How do we make it so that it is children first, schools second? What needs to happen?

Some of Theuns' quotes:

“If schools cannot meet the needs of the students that they serve, they need to stop existing.”

“My theory is that - because of our romanticization of the suffering - we look past the real harm. We justify the bullying and dehumanisation as part of a process of growing up and “becoming a man”.”

To read his article on Duty of Care: https://theunsjan.blogspot.com/2021/10/my-only-story-and-our-duty-of-care.html#comment-form

For his blog: https://theunsjan.blogspot.com/

On News 24 (trigger warning for the Podcast): https://www.news24.com/news24/columnists/guestcolumn/opinion-theuns-opperman-david-mackenzie-saga-the-importance-of-duty-of-care-to-our-pupils-20211014

#sexualabuse #suicide #boardingschools

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #24 - Laurence Johns - The Mankind Project - MKP - Toxic Masculinity, Men's Groups & Community

Mon, 03 Jan 2022 17:28:53 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) #24 - Laurence Johns - Mankind Project (MKP) - Toxic Masculinity, Men's Groups & Community

Today I am speaking with Laurence Johns from The ManKind Project, MKP.

Laurence is the Development and Outreach Director at The ManKind Project UK and Ireland. The MKP is a men's charity that helps "to nurture a global community of men who have the strength of character to show love, support healthy relationships, and make the world a kinder place."

---

For those who have been drawn to my work through boarding school syndrome then this is another podcast that I recommend a listen to .

As I have shared before often at boarding school we were not taught what it was to be a man or woman. We were guided by other children so we became children in adult's bodies.

In the following podcast Laurence talks about mature masculinity and the work of the Mankind Project

Some of the questions I ask him:

I'd love you to speak about some of your own fascinating journey. What drew you into men's work?
You work as the Development and Outreach Director at the MKP. Could you share more about the MKP's mission, what it does
I'd love you to speak about masculinity and both toxic masculinity and benevolent masculinity
I am fascinated by the power of community. You mention on your website that “the only real currency left, is community”. Can you speak more on this please?
In the work that you are doing with the Mankind project what is the current state of men's mental health? What have you found has really helped men with their mental health?
Could you speak about the power and importance of positive initiation please? Why is it so important and what happens to men when we don't have it in our lives?
I would love to honour Robert Bly who passed away 10 days ago. Are there any bits of wisdom from Robert that you could share? Any stories? Anything that you have learned?
How do people get in touch with you and learn more about the ManKind Project?

To learn more about the Mankind Project UK and Ireland please visit: https://mankindprojectuki.org/

To learn more about the Mankind Project globally: https://mankindproject.org/

For the female version, Women In Power please visit: https://womeninpoweruk.com/

Or Women Within: https://womanwithin.org.uk/

Or Celebration of Being which hosts gatherings for both men, women and mixed: https://www.celebrationofbeing.co.uk/

#mankindproject #toxicmasculinity #mkp

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

Update For Piers' New Book - Boarding School Trauma & Recovery

Mon, 13 Dec 2021 14:28:05 GMT

Boarding School Trauma & Recovery - An Update For Piers' New Book Is Written and Can You Support Its Publication?

Boarding School Trauma and Recovery.

Today, I wanted to update you the progress of my second book, Boarding School Trauma and Recovery.

As I shared in my first post ( which you can read here ) what I thought would only take a few months is now over two years in the making.

Since last posting several things to note have happened with my book.

I submitted a book proposal to the publisher, Rouledge. Routledge have published quite a few books on Boarding School Syndrome area.
I received word from the publisher that they could be interested as long as I was able to find an audience to read the book and to reduce my word count of 140,000.
Routledge advised me to r educe the word count to 100,000 and reduce the references in order to proceed.
I spent approximately two months editing and managed to reduce the word count to the desired 100,000 words.
I then submitted the manuscript to Routledge.
In the last couple of weeks the publisher has mentioned that they have read through the manuscript and think that the proposal and manuscript, "look great" and that they would like to move to the next step and "send(ing) them out to reviewers."
The manuscript is now with my reviewers .

So now I wait until my reviewers send in their opinions. They will decide whether the book is worthy of being published or not.

If they decide that it is not publishable, hopefully I will get some feedback to what I can change to improve it.

If not I will look at finding other publishers.

In the meantime I would love to get some support from you.

Routledge has said that the bigger the audience, and the more interest, the more likely they will take me on.

So if you are interested in supporting my book, leaving a positive review on Amazon and sharing my book then please do show your interest in by entering your email address below.

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The question is: does this story interest you?

Has boarding school affected you?

Did you go? Or do you know someone who did who you can see really struggles?

If you would like to read this story there are a few ways that you can help:

1. Put your name onto this email list.

What I am looking for is people who are willing to be supporters of this book. I would love for those that are interested to read it, if they like it to leave a review on Amazon and then share it with others.

I can then share with the potential publishers that I have an audience of people who will buy it.

I will use this list to just update people about where the book is with its publication and when it is released:

2. Share this page or email people who you feel might be interested.

The truth is that I can't do this on my own.

I have tried (especially at boarding school) and I didn't get very far.

I feel that the boarding school system not only needs to change but those who went there (and there are many of us) need healing.

Nick Duffell, Joy Schaverien, and others' work is amazing - hopefully my voice will join them to show that we can go through trauma and come out the other side.

Thank you so much for reading this blog post.

To learn more about Boarding School Survivors Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here .

AEM Podcast #23 - Rod Boothroyd - The Warrior Archetype - King Warrior Magician Lover

Fri, 10 Dec 2021 16:14:19 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) Podcast #23 Rod Boothroyd - Warrior Archetype - King Warrior Magician Lover - What is the Warrior archetype both benevolent & shadow sides?

Today I am delighted to be speaking with Rod Boothroyd again on An Evolving Man Podcast.

Rod is speaking in more depth about the Warrior Archetype - what it is and some of the shadow aspects of it. He also talks about some of the ways to connect and cultivate the mature masculine archetype of the Warrior.

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He works with men, women and mixed groups to heal the wounds of childhood with Marianne Hill and also trains people in the art of working with the shadow and healing emotional wounds.

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For those who have been drawn to my work through boarding school syndrome then I recommend a listen to this series .

Often at boarding school we were not taught what it was to be a man or woman. We were guided by other children so we became children in adult's bodies.

In the following podcast Rod outlines what it is to be in connection with the Warrior archetype. That part of us that acts, and has boundaries. What is it to be a mature adult?

Some of the questions Rod answers are:

What is the Warrior archetype?
What makes a balanced and mature Warrior?
What are the shadows of Sadist and Masochist?
How do we cultivate the Warrior - what are the steps that we can take to embody the Warrior?
What happens when the warrior is (feels) defeated..
How to keep the Warrior's abilities/'weapons' in the best shape for when they're needed;
How to effectively lead and support others to develop a stronger Warrior.
Talk about the Immature forms of the Hero - what is the difference between the Hero and the Warrior. And what are the traits of the Grandstanding Bully and the Coward?
How to heal the Warrior shadow
Who are your Warrior heroes/ heroines?
Rod's interpretation of initiation and why ancient initiation was so brutal.
How to connect to your work?

Books:

Rod Boothroyd: Warrior Magician Lover King; A Guide to the Male Archetypes Updated for the 21st Century

Josh Waitzkin: The Art of Learning

Bill Kauth: A Circle Of Men; The Original Manual For Men's Groups

Pete Walker: Complex PTSD

Training as an emotional process work practitioner: https://www.htsorganisation.co.uk

Group healing and self development work: Men: https://www.strongfreemen.co.uk https://mankindprojectuki.org/ https://illuman.org

Men and women: https://www.celebrationofbeing.co.uk/ https://healingtheshadow.co.uk/

#warriorarchetype #kingwarriormagicianlover #rodboothroyd

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #22 - Craig White - The Journey of Transformation - Men's & International Rugby Coach

Tue, 30 Nov 2021 18:07:52 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) Podcast #22 Craig White - How Do We Transform Our Lives - The Journey of Transformation - Men's & International Rugby Coach

Today on my podcast I am delighted to be speaking with Craig White about transformation, brotherhood, and initiation.

Craig is both an international men's coach and an international rugby coach. Recently he coached Uruguay in the Rugby World Cup 2019 and today he shares some of the stories about how he helped to transform their team and "shock the world".

A really fascinating conversation about human potential from a man who has coached at the highest levels of sport with Leicester Tigers, London Wasps, and Bolton Wanderers, and on two Lions tours.

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Craig White has been fascinated by Human Behaviour and Performance for over 25 years. During this time he has served as a High-Performance Mentor, and as an Elite Sports Coach, having coached at International Level in Professional Rugby Union with Ireland, Wales and the Lions and in the football Premier League.

He has also worked as a Life Coach, a Yoga and Meditation Teacher, and a Business Owner. He now focuses his time on running men's retreats, consulting for professional sports teams and working privately as a men's coach.

Areas that we talk about:
1. I would love you to share some of your journey. What drew you into the work you now do?
2. I would love you to speak about transformation and especially your own mid-life transformation. What do you advise others who are wanting to transform?
3. Brotherhood. What is the importance of brotherhood in this transformation process? I would love you to explore a little how you brought this idea into Uruguay national team in the Rugby World Cup.
4. I would love you to speak about the void. What is the relation between the void and change?
5. In my work I see that those who have been through trauma and especially boarding school often didn't have role models. Many didn't learn what it means to be benevolent man or woman. I would love you to speak on what you feel is a man in his fullness?
6. I would love to hear you perspective about the importance of initiation.
7. Mission and purpose. Can you speak to how we as men find our purpose and fulfil our mission in life?
8. How do people find out more about you and the work you do or to get in touch?
For more information please visit: https://www.menwithoutmasks.com/
https://www.craigwhitementoring.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/craig-white-737087a/
https://www.facebook.com/menwithoutmasks
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQgQITu-_iTdxtWaUimKX9g

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #21 -Nick Duffell - Boarding School Syndrome - Homesickness/ Disassociation/ Intimate Relationships

Tue, 30 Nov 2021 17:21:37 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast (AEM) Podcast #21 Nick Duffell - Boarding School Syndrome - Homesickness/ Disassociation/ Intimate Relationships

Today I speak with Nick Duffell who is one of the leading experts in the field of boarding school trauma about intimate relationships, disassciation and homesickness.

Nick Duffell is a psychotherapist and trainer in private practice who pioneered therapeutic work with ex-boarders and specialist training for psychotherapists. He is the author of The Making of Them, Trauma Abandonment and Privilege and Wounded Leaders.

---

Here are some of the questions I asked him:

1. I would love you to share your own journey of boarding school and what drew you into the work that you now do?

2. “How hard is it to believe even that boarding school harmed you? Because usually the ex boarders don't realize or accept what harm and trauma they suffered during boarding.”

3. I would love you to speak more about the Strategic Survival Personality. Do you feel that we as ex-boarders who were compliers have to become rebels in order to heal?

4. “please kindly speak on homesickness in detail. Because for me this experience was so extreme and dreadful. My hair turned grey at the age of 13. I missed my familiar environment so intensely.”

5. I went to a rural boarding school from age 11 to 18. An extremely isolated and traumatic experience where survival strategy meant I couldn't develop socially or emotionally and which left me utterly unprepared for real life. I feel like the pause button in my life was pressed for 7 years just so I could survive the experience. In many ways I still feel like that 11 year old. Completely lost and adrift. The loss of family, childhood and self is so huge it has shaped everything about me. How can we ever fix ourselves when we have missed out on such key developmental foundations? When we have neglected and lost ourselves so completely? One thing I realise is that we really did miss out on key things we needed..and also that we don't realise what we should have or be because we never had it.

6. Many of the ex-boarders I know really struggle in intimate relationships. What do you advise ex-boarders to help them to start to cultivate open, loving and happy relationships?

7. A common trait as ex-boarders seems to be around disassociation. What can we start to do to stop the splitting and connecting again with our feelings – both happy and sad?

8. How do we change the system and bring healing to boarding schools?

9. How do people find out more about your work and your offerings?

For more information please visit:

https://www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk/

And for one of Nick's upcoming events in December 2021: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/opus-study-day-boarding-school-and-society-tickets-159661599141

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #20 - Chukumeka Chukes Maxwell - Suicide Awareness & Prevention

Thu, 28 Oct 2021 12:35:38 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #20 Chukumeka Chukes Maxwell - Suicide Awareness & Prevention - What Can You Do For Yourself & Others To Help Prevent Suicide?

Today on my An Evolving Man Podcast I speak with Chukumeka "Chukes" Maxwell about suicide awareness and prevention.

We explore what you can do if you are feeling suicidal and we also go into some depth about what you can do if someone you know or love is showing suicidal tendencies.

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Chukes is the founder of Action To Prevent Suicide CIC - a Devon based non-profit dedicated to raising funds for community-based programs focused on suicide prevention.

Born in London, to African and Caribbean parents, Chuke’s family emigrated back to Nigeria in 1965 but Chukumeka was then evacuated to the UK in 1967 as a refugee from the Biafran civil war. He has have also lived in Jamaica and Belize. Chukes has had a very eclectic working life, from training in the hotel industry after school to opening an award-winning delicatessen and later his own catering company, then re-training as a holistic deep tissue massage therapist and later as a registered Social worker.

A part-time lecturer at the University of Plymouth, Chukumeka is now also a suicide prevention trainer specializing in LivingWorks programs, Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Trainer (ASIST) and safeTALK.

---

Some of the questions Chukes answers and subjects he speaks about are:

- What was the boarding school, Christ's Hospital, like in the 70s?

- We talk about how we were at the same school and the importance of speaking and bringing things to light

- Chukes speaks about what drew him into suicide awareness and prevention work.

- He talks about some of the tools that you can use if you are feeling suicidal

- What is the advice he can give you if your loved ones are feeling suicidal or showing signs of depression?

- Does he advise different approaches for children and adults regarding suicidal thoughts?

- He also speaks about the importance of how to stay calm when in the company of a suicidal person.

---

In order to learn more or support Chukes' work please visit: https://www.goodwillatps.org.uk/

He is currently looking at raising £1.5 million to set up a suicide prevention centre in Devon so please do support.

#suicideprevention #suicideawareness #christshospital

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Contact Details If You Are Feeling Suicidal:

The phone number to call in the UK if you are feeling suicidal is:

Samaritans: 116123

Website Hub of Hope: https://hubofhope.co.uk/

For more numbers of contact globally: https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/suicide/

Hub of Hope App: Apple: https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/hub-of-hope/id1337090866

Android: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.chasingthestigma.hubofhope&hl=en&gl=gb

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

Can You Help With My New Book - Boarding School Trauma & Recovery?

Thu, 30 Sep 2021 17:41:50 GMT

Boarding School Trauma & Recovery - Piers' New Book Is Written - Can You Support Its Publication?

Boarding School Trauma and Recovery.

Over the past two years I have been writing my autobiography and self-help book about my boarding school life.

But yesterday I did something rather unbelievable...

Something that I have been putting off for nearly a year and maybe a lifetime...

Something that I was really frightened of doing...

Yesterday, I reached out to a publisher about my boarding school book...

I have been writing and editing this book now for two years...

I have read through the manuscipt 10 times.

I have added 650-700 references.

To me it is not ready, but will it ever be...

But finally I reached out to a publisher to see if they might be interested in it...

And their response?

Maybe...

It depends if there is a market for it.

Can I reach the ex-boarders who might be interested in the book?

Can I inspire those that want to hear about what it was like at boarding school in the 1980s and 90s and the path to recovery - to share, buy and get behind this book?

I told them I would have to see...

I would reach out to my website visitors and see if there is an audience there.

---

The book is partly my journey of trauma at boarding school age 11-17.

I talk about my early struggles with school - fitting in, the food, emotional repression, the bullying, the fagging.

I talk about my adolescent struggles of living in an institition: thinking that I was gay, self-hatred, depression, suicidal thoughts.

I talk about the greatest struggles: injuring myself and being off activities for a year, a mentor committing suicide, attempted sexual abuse, living in a woods for a term pulling me back from the edge.

I share the tools and techniques that I have used to start the recovery process from the trauma .

I share the exercises that I use every day with myself and my clients to heal from boarding school syndrome.

The truth is that I had to do everything on my own after my friend died.

This lasted until I had a breakdown living in London in my 20s and arriving in a Buddhist monastery.

And I see that I can't publish this book alone - I have to have support...

---

The potential title of the book?

Boarding School Trauma & Recovery

I am looking at ways that I can get this book out there.

The question is: does this story interest you?

Has boarding school affected you?

Did you go? Or do you know someone who did who you can see really struggles?

If you would like to read this story there are a few ways that you can help:

1. Put your name onto this email list.

I can then share with the potential publishers that I have an audience of people who will buy it.

I will use this list to just update people about where the book is with its publication and when it is released:

2. Share this page or email people who you feel might be interested.

The truth is that I can't do this on my own.

I have tried (especially at boarding school) and I didn't get very far.

I feel that the boarding school system not only needs to change but those who went there (and there are many of us) need healing.

Nick Duffell, Joy Schaverien, and others' work is amazing - hopefully my voice will join them to show that we can go through trauma and come out the other side.

Thank you so much for reading this blog post.

To learn more about Boarding School Survivors Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here .

AEM Podcast #19 - James Harpur - The Examined Life - What Was Boarding School Like? Award Winning Poet

Wed, 22 Sep 2021 11:56:32 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #19 James Harpur - The Examined Life - What Was Boarding School Like? Award Winning Poet

On today's podcast I am speaking with the award winning author, James Harpur about his new collection of poetry called The Examined Life.

In this episode James reads from his poetry book some of the poems which detail what life was like for him at boarding school in the 1970s.

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James Harpur is an award winning poet who has had six poetry collections published by Carcanet and Anvil Press. He is also a member of Aosdana, the Irish academy of arts.

The awards he has won include: the Vincent Buckley Prize, a Patrick and Katherine Kavanagh Fellowship, and the UK National Poetry Competition.

His work has appeared in the national press, including The Irish Times, The Spectator, The Guardian, The Financial Times, and The Independent.

His books include The White Silhouette (2018), an Irish Times Book of the Year, Angels and Harvesters (2012), which was a PBS Recommendation and shortlisted for the 2013 Irish Times Award; and The Dark Age (2007) which won the Michael Hartnett Poetry Prize.

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Here are some of the topics and poems that James talks about:

1 Introduction. 00.0

How James came to write his book as an account of his ‘tribe’.

2. Why boarding school? 7.45

Why did James’s parents send him to one?

Poem: ‘Separation’

3. Homesickness. 15.30

First few weeks at school and the change from family life.

Poem: ‘The Payphone Trap’

4. Family Situation. 24.25

James’s parents splitting up at the start of his school career.

Poem: ‘Telemachus’

5. Boarding School challenges. 35.00

James as an introvert in relentless public space; dormitories; prefects, etc.

Poems: ‘Middle Dormitory: Passover’ & ‘Senior Dormitory: Faust’

6. Positive aspects of school. 47.30

Camaraderie, influence of good masters …

Poem: ‘Senior Dormitory: Monday Morning’

7. Under Pressure. 57.15

Different types of pressure, e.g exams. James’s ‘breakdown’ …

Poem: ‘The Active Voice’

8. Boarding School in the 1970s. 1.07.30

Early 1970s still in the hippie era, but also industrial strife and the Troubles – what was that like?

PP: ‘Uniform’

9. The Feminine Principle. 1.16.01

School was almost entirely an all-boys’ school with an absence of the feminine.

PP: ‘Sex Education: ‘Terra Incognita’

In order to purchase James' book: :

https://tworiverspress.com/shop/the-examined-life /

Reviews for book:

The Examined Life

‘Insanely courageous.’ The Spectator

'Beautifully crafted and searingly honest.’ Dublin Review of Books

‘Haunted and haunting …’ The Irish Times

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #18 - Joanna Brittan- The Female Perspective of Boarding School - Child Sexual Abuse (CSA)

Wed, 22 Sep 2021 11:47:45 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #18 Joanna Brittan - The Female Perspective of Boarding School - Child Sexual Abuse (CSA)

On today's podcast I am interviewing Joanna Brittan who is one of the leading voices against the boarding school system and a leading campaigner for the rights of people who have been sexually abused at boarding school.

Today we talk about her own journey at boarding school and what it was like for her.

Often we hear about what boarding was like for boys but often there is no corresponding response for girls.

Joanna talks about what it was like for her and some of the struggles she went through.

Some of the topics that we talk about are:

How the punishment for girls at boarding school was through shame rather than physical abuse
How boarding schools has affected her as a mother - literally not knowing how to bring her children up.
How she has warned the Royal family not to send their children to boarding school and why
What she thinks of the IICSA enquiry and why she feels that it has not lived up to its purpose
About her brothers' sexual abuse at Sherborne Prep School and how she has campaigned against the school.
The neglect of boarding school
How peer on peer sexual abuse is the biggest taboo in boarding school child abuse and why no one speaks up.
Detached mothering - why mothers allow their children to be sent to boarding school.
The link between the Qatar Royal Family and Sherborne schools and how her father introduced the Qatar Royal family to the school and how she feels the school have betrayed them.

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Joanna Brittan is a leading critic of the boarding school system and has spent many years exposing child sexual abuse especially at Sherborne Prep School and Robin Lindsay, as listed at the IICSA inquiry. She also attended boarding school from the age of 8 until 18.

For more information please visit Joanna on Twitter https://twitter.com/jebrittan2 or @jebrittan2 For the Boarding School Facebook Campaigning Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/boardingschoolaction/

And for the Boarding School Survivors FB group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/143749179546597 (it is private for ex-boarders only so you will need to ask to join).

“Returning SHAME of CSA to abusive institutions where it rightfully belongs and always did.”

Trusted Sexual Violence Resources - helpingsurvivors.org/resources/

Helping Survivors - helpingsurvivors.org

#NeverOurShame

#SherborneShame

#CSA #boardingschoolabuse #childsexualabuse

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An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's (and women's) topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support people during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #17 - Ben Cole - Transforming The Wound of Bullying - Tales of Boarding School Trauma & Healing

Fri, 10 Sep 2021 15:28:46 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #17 Ben Cole: Transforming The Wound of Bullying - Tales of Boarding School Trauma & Healing

Today I am speaking with Ben Cole on my podcast. This episode was a heart felt and for me a tearful one.

Ben is a storyteller, cinematographer and director and he uses this gift to really share a heart-renching and transformational story.

Ben shares how he attended boarding school from ages 11-13 in what was a really violent and unsafe environment.

He shares how he was bullied and how he started to learn to cope with the bullies - by listening.

For some viewers and listeners this episode might be upsetting and triggering.

It is not an easy story to hear.

Ben goes onto share how he has transformed this wound in the work that he now does with young offenders in the charity A Band of Brothers (ABOB).

By him sharing his story with these young men, they learn to trust him.

Of those young men that go through ABOB 86% stop offending and turn over a new leaf.

This is the power of story.

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I found this episode profoundly moving and touching.

Thank you Ben.

Some of the areas we covered:

His journey at boarding school and what went on with the bullying
How his parents responded to his pleas to come home.
How hurt people hurt people
How he feels being in service has been so healing for him
The power of the wound
How he has transformed this wound of bullying

For more information about his work and A Band of Brothers please visit:

https://abandofbrothers.org.uk/

http://bencolecinematographysite.com/

https://middleearthmedicine.com/

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Ben Cole is a film maker, documentary maker, and his filmography includes 1 Giant Leap and The Time of The Sixth Sun. He makes positive films about what it is like to be human. For him the ordinary man is the new guru. He was also an actor for 20 years. He also teaches the principles of the Mankind Project (MKP) of the 4 Archetypes. He also teaches The Wheel of Souls Return. He is also a mentor for A Band of Brothers which mentors young offenders.

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men (and women) who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support men during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

AEM Podcast #16 - Simon Partridge - Upper Class Complex Trauma Condition (UCCTC) - Boarding School Trauma

Fri, 06 Aug 2021 11:00:03 GMT

#16 Simon Partridge - Upper Class Complex Trauma Condition (UCCTC) - AEM Podcast - Boarding School Trauma

In today's podcast I have a fascinating conversation with Simon Partridge about Upper Class Complex Trauma Condition.

Simon is a researcher in the field of complex trauma and especially boarding school syndrome.

Today Simon talks about how he feels that often the principle of boarding school syndrome to explain why the UK's leadership is the way it is misses the point.

He talks about the idea that many UK politicians and well known public figures have come from an upper class background. The upbringing that they go through, causes them to become traumatised - UCCTC

He talks about some of his experiences at boarding school and how the experience was for him.

An insightful dialogue.

Here are some of the questions that I asked him:

Questions:

1. I would love you to share some of your own journey at boarding school and your own healing journey. What triggered your journey into exploring boarding school trauma?

2. I would love you to talk about the difference between boarding school syndrome and upper class complex trauma condition (UCCTC)?

3. Does social background effect how one is effected by BS and is it a cause of bullying?

4. “I'm interested in the generational traumas, generations of generals and admirals, all following in the footsteps of those who came before. And how these familial traumas over a long time have influenced their descendants' behaviours now?”

5. “And I'm interested in knowing about HOW some of those descendants have changed their views/behaviours, e.g. taking a different stand as a Conscientious Objector or otherwise.”

6. “Defining what the categories of Social class and SES seems to have evolved over recent decades, so I'm wondering how that shapes Simon's lens?”

7. “The phenomenon of father who went to boarding school sending son to bs, and so on through generations, as well as both parents supporting both boys and girls 'going away' to boarding school is interesting enough. When we know that those fathers and mothers had a tough time at bs one can't help but wonder why they would send their children with any chance that they might also suffer. Understanding the rationale within a class context is something that Simon probably grasps more than anyone. Would it be factors such as beliefs in either the social or educational goals of a bs education that would shout louder than their suffering, or would they rationalize that things would change for the next generation? Do they think that bs provides a necessary toughening up process? Is bs just part of what " people like us" ( PLU) do? Has their bs experience desensitized them and made them less empathic than they might be? Maybe they just haven't given it a thought?

8. Could you talk about the difference between UCCTC and BS syndrome 1st Nations, and BS syndrome Brit boarding. The “social context” is important for me…

9. “I wonder what Simon thinks about BSS as a concept, and whether or not it might be revisited, expanded, or dropped? Does he think it's the same Syndrome in first Nations Children for example, as might be experienced by some boys at Eton? His thoughts about the class perspective might offer us something here." 10. In your opinion how do we change this system? 11. How do people learn more about what you do or read your papers? Is there anywhere you can direct people?

---

Simon comes from a partly French post-colonial background in India.

His half-French grandfather went to Eton. Simon Partridge was sent to weekly board in 1954 at 6 and to full board from 7-17.

He was sent to his father’s public school Eastbourne College in 1960, where he failed to follow in his footsteps…

Apart from a short time at the doomed Greater London Council (1984-86) developing community radio he has been an itinerant writer/researcher covering: devolved politics; the British-Irish conflict; ethno-cultural mingling across the islands of Britain and Ireland; the psycho-neurobiological consequences of detached upper-class child rearing and boarding schools; inter-generational war trauma; and more latterly Complex-PTSD and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs).

He is a founding director of the London ACEs Hub - https://www.londonaceshub.org/ .

He continues to explore and write, from lived experience, about the linkage between early attachment deficits and ACEs.Email: simonpartridge846@btinternet.com

---

Published Articles & Papers 2007-2021 relevant to boarding school-related trauma

Partridge, S. (2007). Trauma at the threshold: An eight-year-old goes to boarding school. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis 1(3): 310–12.

Partridge, S. (2009). Chosen film review. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis 3(1): 115–17.

Partridge, S. (2010). Prep school children review. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis 4(2): 188–92.

Partridge, S. (2011). British upper-class complex trauma syndrome: The case of Charles Rycroft, psychoanalyst and psychotherapist. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis 5(3): 154–63.

Partridge, S. (2013). Television Film Review - Stiff Upper Lip: An

Emotional History of Britain. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and

Relational Psychoanalysis, 7(1): 111-116.

Partridge, S. (2013). Boarding School Syndrome: Disguised Attachment-deficit and Dissociation Reinforced by Institutional Neglect and Abuse. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis, 7(2): 202–213.

Partridge, S. (2015). Editorial: New statutory child sexual abuse inquiry. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis, 9(1): x-xi.

Partridge, S. (2016). Why upper class boys don’t cry - review of Boarding School Syndrome: The psychological trauma of the ‘privileged’ child by Joy Schaverien, published by Routledge, 2015. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis, 10(3): 269-274.

Partridge, S. (2021). The British Upper-Class Complex Trauma Condition: boarding school syndrome reconsidered in its social context framework. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis, 15(2): forthcoming; preview available.

Adverse Childhood Experiences-related material

Partridge, S. (2019). The origins of the adverse childhood experiences movement and child sexual abuse: a brief history. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis, 13(2): 113–116.

Partridge, S. (2019). Review: The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis, 13(2): 117–120.

Partridge, S. (2021). Editorial: What happened to you? Attachment theory extended.

Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis, 15(1): vii–xiii.

This material is available for private or educational not-for-profit use in pdf format on request from Simon Partridge

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AEM Podcast #15 Alistair Richardson - Addictions and Trauma - How To Release Addictive Behaviours

Wed, 04 Aug 2021 12:37:43 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast #15 Alistair Richardson - Addictions and Trauma - How To Release Addictive Behaviours

In today's podcast I meet with Alistair Richardson who is a specialist in the field of addictions and about how to heal addictions of all kinds.

We talk also about some of his experiences at boarding school and how being sent away at age 7 to board contributed to some of his later addictive behaviours.

He shares about how after being sent to the Priory in London at a young age he eventually ended up studying there and qualifying as a addiction specialist.

A fascinating conversation again.

Here are some of the questions that I asked him:

1. I would love for you to share some of your own journey into what drew you into doing the work that you now do. 2. How do you feel addictions link into childhood trauma?

3. Is there a certain protocol for letting go of addictions? If so what is it?

4. How do we break an addiction?

5. Do we need to have a safe space or a community in order to break an addiction?

6. “Some addictive behaviour is more socially acceptable than others. For example, overwork is often seen as a virtue and the person with the addiction to overwork can easily judge others as ‘less committed’ or even less valuable as a human being. Do you have any advice for those trying to understand and change this destructive pattern of addictive behaviour?”

7. “Have you noticed a correlation between boarders and patterns of addiction?”

8. “At the Priory do they get ex BS people with addictions? What sort of addictions do people have? Do staff at the Priory think there is a commonality with these people? Do they tailor their treatment any differently for ex BS people? How do they help these people? Does the addiction treatment work?”

9. “Is it harder for boarding school people to even admit to having an addiction, given that weakness in that culture is almost taboo?”

10. “I wonder if your guest has views on what patterns of addiction are more likely during or after boarding school?”

11. ‘Does an addictive personality, actually exist?’

12. Does it matter how the addiction came about, or how severe it is? Is the measure of concern one that relates to how the addiction disrupts the typical flow of life, or if it bankrupts you or causes major social awkwardness? The measure is dysfunction, maybe? But addiction is often treated as an all or nothing situation; the alcoholic is encouraged to stop drinking not moderate it. Should that be the strategy for all kinds of addiction?

---

Alistair specialises in helping people to heal from childhood trauma, co-dependency and addiction and in empowering people to achieve success in their lives.

He is passionate about supporting clients in breaking free from generational trauma. He has worked in some of the world’s most exclusive addiction treatment centres including the Priory in London.

He has been using EFT for over 20 years to enhance the other therapy. He runs transformational Survivors workshops for healing childhood trauma for 11 years so far, and combines this therapy with SET and IEP, inner child work and Matrix Re-imprinting to support deeper healing and change.

H e specialises in using Energy based methods such as IEP, SET. He has also been teaching and sharing healing for over 25 years.

His qualifications include an MSc in Addiction Counselling and Psychology, Post induction Therapy,(Pia Mellody’s model from the Meadows for healing and resolving developmental and childhood trauma) EFTMRA Trainer and advanced practitioner, Matrix Re-imprinting and many healing modalities , now focusing on Gaia Eternal Light healing and is a flower essence practitioner.

Alistair’s Contact Details:

Website: http://lifeforcetraumahealing.com/

Email: alistair@lifeforcetraumahealing.com

https://www.facebook.com/LifeForceTraumaHealing/

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An Evolving Man Podcast #14 - Francis Michael Eliot - Growing Up At Eton & The Impact on the Current UK Leaders

Fri, 25 Jun 2021 16:05:37 GMT

An Evolving Man - AEM #14 Francis Michael Eliot - Growing Up At Eton & The Impact on the Current UK Leaders

In today's podcast I am talking to Francis Michael Eliot about the boarding school Eton.

We talk about what his experience were of Eton and how it impacted him. He also shares some insights into how he feels Eton might have impacted the current leaders in the UK by their boarding school education.

Here are some of the questions that I ask him (he doesn't answer all in depth):

I would love you to share a little about your own boarding school journey. How was it for you?
Could you speak about class, prejudice, and 'what it was like to be an Etonian out in the world'
Three people I know thought the education was good but were all very unhappy. Was he unhappy? If so why? What would have made it better?
Or was he happy? What made him happy?
What was best, what was worst about it?
Did having his own room from the beginning (as I think they do) mean he had his own space? Or was it invaded?
'Boarding school survivors have lived a life very detached from that which most people call 'real life'. Is it possible for the leaders of today, coming from this damaged background, to even understand the society and people they stand for? Should they be required to undergo mental health/therapeutic screening, as the clergy are required to, prior to taking up public office?'
Did his father go to Eton? Did his father go to public school? Did his mother go to boarding school? Does Eton enculture a sense of superior entitlement?
Is Johnson a typical product?
Was he bullied?
Was there discrimination by staff or boys on the basis of race, sexual orientation, wealth or class?
Was there fagging while you were there? If so how do you feel it impacted the younger boys?
Did he find it hard to make relationships afterwards or not? With - anyone, his own gender, the opposite gender?
Has he sent a son there? If he can’t afford it, would he send a son there if he could? If so, why, if not, why not?
Did he attend a boarding prep before Eton? What age did he go, if so?
What has Eton given him? What are the downsides?
Did he feel supported there? Ie, was there someone he could go to in distress? If so, would he be believed?
Who held the power there? Was it used wisely ?
If he could change one thing about the school, what would it be?

Francis Eliot is a 5Rhythms movement meditation teacher, a non-duality facilitator, and an active father to his two school age sons. He also facilitates deep process men's work. Along with his partner he's recently acquired the historic old ashram in Glastonbury where they will soon be establishing a centre for healing through the creative arts. He's spent decades in the spiritual arena studying with various teachers, and offers us an interesting and inspiring perspective on his life as an Old Etonian.

For more information about his work: http://awakenedpresence.org/

And for his YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQMz...

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An Evolving Man Podcast #13 - Rob Nelson -Healing Childhood Trauma With EFT - Complex Trauma

Thu, 20 May 2021 18:11:15 GMT

An Evolving Man - AEM #13 Rob Nelson - Healing Childhood Trauma With EFT - Complex Trauma

Today I speak with Rob Nelson on my An Evolving Man podcast where we explore childhood trauma, the fight, flight and freeze response and the boarding school syndrome.

Rob Nelson is Director of Tapping the Matrix Academy, an artisan training and certification program for EFT and Hacking Reality practitioners. Rob holds a Masters in Counselling Psychology and work with clients worldwide. He is also the author of the book Hacking Reality and Rob makes his home in Santa Rosa, California.

He gives us some guided EFT tapping and teaches lots of techniques especially for those who feel like they have complex trauma like boarding school syndrome or C-PTSD.

A great interview and I really enjoyed speaking to him.

Here are some of the questions that I ask him:

I would love to hear how you started on the journey of supporting others and helping people to heal.
What is the work that you do?
What is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)? How do you do it? What is Matrix Reimprinting? How do they differ from counselling? Having trained in both modalities have you found one works better or more effectively than another? What about for complex trauma?
Can you please explain about the fight, flight, and freeze responses? What is the difference between the 3 and how does this effect us as adults if we were triggered or received trauma as children?
Can you please talk about the amygdala? How it is involved in the fight or flight response? You mention that spoken word doesn't really register with the amygdala. How does EFT connect to the amygdala?
Could you talk about the difference between trauma and complex trauma? In the work that you do what differentiates someone who has one or the other? Do you approach someone who has complex trauma differently, and if so how?
Can you explain about the subconscious mind and about how we have these tapes playing about in the background? How do we start to turn these tapes off?
How do you do EFT (emotional freedom technique)?
What is your formula for happiness even if we have been through trauma?
The key issues of boarding school syndrome are Abandonment, Bereavement and Captivity. How would you advise someone who has been to boarding school?
Ex-boarders often struggle in intimate relationships. What are the tools or exercises that you recommend for people who struggle in intimacy?

To purchase Rob Nelson's book please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hacking-Reality-Upgrade-Your-Inside/dp/1733682600/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=rob+nelson&qid=1620639153&sr=8-1 Or from his site: https://hacking-reality.com/

For more information about Rob: https://tappingthematrix.com For his EFT videos: https://tappingthematrix.com/videos/

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An Evolving Man Podcast #12 - Simon Hinkly - Growing Elders and Discovering Purpose - Cultivating Wisdom As You Age

Wed, 19 May 2021 16:45:17 GMT

An Evolving Man - AEM #12 Simon Hinkly Growing Elders and Discovering Purpose - Cultivating Wisdom As You Age

Today I am speaking with Simon Hinkly about eldership, older vs elder and what is to cultivate wisdom in our elder years.

Simon used to be a film producer and spent 50 years in the film industry. He now works as a mentor and still dreams of writing the perfect screenplay.

He's been in the Mankind Project (MKP) since 2003 where his mission is to grow elders. He has also been the Chairman of the International Council of Elders for the Mankind Project.

Some of the questions and topics we explored today were:

What began you on your journey of wanting to understand more about eldership?
I would love to hear you speak about being an elder and purpose. One man in his 70s said that since he has reached retirement he has struggled with feeling like he has a purpose. How does he rekindle that again?
I would love you to speak about the relationship to the King archetype and being elder?
What does being an elder look like?
What is an elder's role?
Do we need to be over a certain age?
How do we cultivate eldership?
How do we cultivate wisdom?
Robert Bly says that the older men need to be there for the younger generation. How? Many men don't know where to start.
What is initiation from an elder's perspective?
How do we support the younger men and women to be initiated?

For more information about the The Mankind Project UK (MKP): https://mankindprojectuki.org/

The MKP New Warrior Training: https://mankindprojectuki.org/the-new-warrior-training-adventure

#eldership #mankindproject #mkp #purpose -- -

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An Evolving Man Podcast #11 - Recovering Boarding School Trauma Narratives - The Journey To Healing with Christine Jack

Thu, 29 Apr 2021 09:54:59 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast # 11 - Christine Jack - Recovering Boarding School Trauma Narratives - The Journey To Healing

In today's podcast I am interviewing the educational historian and author of the book, Recovering Boarding School Trauma Narratives, Christine Jack.

Christine Jack spent 35 years as an academic in the field of teacher education, including holding the position of Head of Primary Education at the University of Canberra. She is a respected and well published Australian educational historian and is currently an honorary researcher at Charles Sturt University.

We had a great conversation about her own journey at boarding school and we talked about different subjects about boarding school syndrome and what it is to be a boarding school survivor.

In her book, Christine interweaves her own story at school with that of the son of AA Milne, the author of Winnie The Pooh, Christopher Robin Milne who also attended boarding school.

I have really been enjoying reading her amazing book which you can find here:

Please note that if you went to boarding school that you might find this interview triggering.

Here are some of the questions that I asked her (the ones in speech marks were submitted by ex-boarders):

What lead you to write your book about your own boarding school journey and that of Christopher Robin Milne?
“Do you think boarding school has a place in the 21st Century?”
“If there was university research money available, what lines of inquiry might you consider most important regarding boarding school and its long term impact on individuals or society?”
“British boarding schools, Canadian and American Residential Schools for First Nations and Native American children, and boarding schools in countries including Australia, the USA, and South Africa, came to exist for different purposes (e.g. remediation, distance, social advantage, skills acquisition, religion). In your opinion what lessons about children's experience might be learned across these populations?”
“Boarding School Syndrome is becoming an increasingly well used frame of reference. How helpful is it in terms of describing, defining, helping, or diagnosing and treating an individual's response to boarding school?”
“Boarding school life of children is often equated with privilege in Britain - and beyond. How does that accord with your experience?”
“How do you see power and bullying as challenges in boarding schools? - do we think of children as 'essentially good' or 'little savages', and does this view shape how children are treated?”
“Might you frame some boarding school experiences as Children's Rights infringements?”
“Which type of therapy might be best suited to someone wanting to overcome boarding school trauma? Is it necessary for a therapist to understand fully BS syndrome in order to really understand those who are BS survivors? And could a specific therapy ever emerge to deal with BS trauma? Most therapists in my experience seem to have difficulty relating to our particular wounds.”
“How to reconnect with the development process of the child that was curtailed?”
“How to let go of regrets?”

---

To find out more about Christine's work please visit: Charles Sturt University

Her books on Amazon please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Recovering-Boarding-School-Trauma-Narratives/dp/036781952X/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=christine+jack&qid=1619689084&sr=8-1

Her books on Routledge: Recovering Boarding School Trauma Narratives

For the Boarding School Survivors Support: https://www.bss-support.org.uk/#boardingschoolsyndrome # christinejack

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An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, trauma, boarding school and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support men during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

An Evolving Man Podcast #10 - What Is Boarding School Syndrome with Joy Schaverien

Tue, 30 Mar 2021 12:41:33 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast # 10 - Joy Schaverien - What Is Boarding School Syndrome & What Does Recovery Look Like?

Today I am very excited to be sharing with the latest edition of the An Evolving Man Podcast . In this interview I speak with author and Jungian analyst Joy Schaverien who is the author of the book Boarding School Syndrome.

Professor Joy Schaverien works as a Jungian psychoanalyst, psychotherapist and art psychotherapist in private practice. She supervises experienced practitioners and trainees. She also lectures at home and internationally on varied topics. Her research interests are reflected in her books and published articles.

Prior to training as an psychoanalyst and psychotherapist she has worked in the NHS in the UK and has held posts in Universities running the Master’s programme at the University of Hertfordshire.

Please note that if you went to boarding school that you might find this interview triggering.

Here are some of the questions that I asked her (the ones in speech marks were submitted by ex-boarders):

What in your definition is Boarding School Syndrome? You talk about the ABCD of this syndrome in your book - can you speak more about this?
I would love to hear how you started working in the area of boarding school syndrome. What drew you into working in this field?
“I find that when I am at my most in need i.e. ill or struggling with something really difficult, I will shut out everyone around me and just put my head down and get through it. Friends and family feel pushed away, but it’s the only way I know how to deal with hard situations. I then feel so alone and tired. How can I let people back in at my moments of need?”
“I would love to know more about the split self that happens when you go to boarding school at a young age. How does it manifest through life? How can we recognise its there? What healing work can a person do to reunite all aspects of themselves?”
“Should boarding in pre-teens be defined as child abuse?- Should the multiple financial incentives via reduced rates, subsidy from government via gift aid to private schools which board etc, be curtailed?- Do boarders suffer similarly to refugees, despite the status differences?
“What is Joy’s point of view on what ‘recovery’ looks like after boarding school?”
How do people get in touch with you or learn more about how you support others?

---

To find out more about Joy's work please visit: https://www.joyschaverien.com/

To purchase her books on Amazon please visit: https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=joy+scha...

For the Boarding School Survivors Support: https://www.bss-support.org.uk/ #boardingschoolsyndrome #thesecretshame #alexrenton

---

This was another really great interview. As many of you know I attended boarding school. So this topic was something that I was fascinated by and really loved how Joy Schaverien shared so much wisdom and warmth. I certainly learnt a lot from speaking with her. Other boarding school survivors have commented how much they have enjoyed this podcast episode.

I also loved what she shared about recovery. What does recovery from boarding school syndrome look like?

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

On a regular basis there will be an interview around men's topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support men during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

Boarding School Syndrome & Sex

Tue, 23 Feb 2021 13:33:54 GMT

Boarding School Syndrome & Sex - Why Do Those Who Went To Boarding School Struggle With Sex & Intimacy?

Boarding school syndrome and sex. An interesting topic and for many, as you can imagine a highly charged subject.

If you went to boarding school do you struggle with sex and intimacy?

Why do you struggle with this? What is it about what went on at school that is now impacting not only your sexual relationships with others but also with yourself?

One of my subscribers on YouTube mentioned that he was trying to find out information about sex and intimacy and boarding school and yet he couldn't find anything. So he asked me to record a video (please see below).

Over the years of working with ex-boarders in boarding school therapy I see a common struggle. And that commonality is around relationship problems, feeling emotionally shut down and struggling with intimacy.

What this is can to is therefore a struggle with sex especially with a long term partner.

Why do Boarding School Survivors Struggle With Intimacy?

Learning to be intimate as a child or a teenager takes time, safety and guidance from others, like peers, parents or education.

In a boarding school setting many of the above needs are just not available.

Think back to your school life. Did you have the time to explore intimacy both with yourself or with another? Did you feel safe that you could close your door and not be disturbed? And did you feel that you could ask others what to do when you were with the opposite sex?

In answer to the first question - did you have time to be intimate then the chances are that no. For me as a young boy, everything to do with intimacy was in secret and was rushed. There was a fear of being caught which at my school for self-intimacy meant one step away from suspension. And for sexual intimacy with another could be a direct suspension or possible expulsion. So in answer to this first question - many have trained themselves to feel anxious or rushed when it comes to sex or intimacy and therefore their love lives become that too.

In answer to the second question - did you feel safe to explore intimacy at school? Depending what school you went to then the chances are that you had literally no personal or private space. Until the age of 17 at boarding school I did not have a door I could close for my own privacy. There were toilets downstairs which had doors but everywhere else was open: baths, showers, toilets, beds, and desks. So to be intimate with a partner or with myself was out of the question. How was it for you? Again, did you feel safe? If you didn't then the chances are that you are still carrying this lack of safety in your sexual life - maybe a certain fear or worry - but now that it is unconscious and all you know is that you want intimacy to be over as quickly as possible.

I n answer to the third question - did you have adequate support while at boarding school to guide you in intimacy and sex? For many the answer again is no. And this is not just limited to boarding school. Many schools across the world have a lack of good sexual education or guidance for intimacy. But if you were at a mainstream school and could go home at night, maybe, just maybe you could ask your parents. At boarding school there is some sexual education but for me, it was limited to anatomy and not anything deeper than that. I received my "sexual education" as an 11 year old from a boy 1 year older asking me questions and telling me about sex. Yes, most of our sexual education and learnings around sex came from our peers. Why do we struggle as boarding school survivors with sex? Maybe because most of us received our intimate education from other children our own age.

What Does This Means Regards Sex in Adult Life?

A Disconnection Between Love and Sex

The first thing that not having safety, space to explore and a lack of emotional intelligence means that for us sex as adults is often disconnected from love. We have the physical act of sex but there is no connection with our emotions. So we could say that it is the difference between sex and love-making. As ex-boarders we know how to have sex, but we don't know how to make love.

At the beginning of a relationship sex might be great. But as time goes on and if we are in a relationship with a non-boarder then the other person will start to hunger for love-making over sex. But the problem is that we don't know how to do "love-making" so this can prey on a common belief of ex-boarders and that is "I'm not good enough."

The wonderful news is though that no matter your upbringing you can learn to reconnect to your emotions again. In the work that I do with clients and in my own life I have seen over and over again men come to me who struggle to feel only to quickly reawaken their connection to their own hearts. With a connection to their heart they can then start to learn to cultivate love-making again. Rather than sex just being a physical act, it becomes an emotional and almost spiritual practice which feels healing and sometimes truly blissful. The key to know is that through study and working on healing the heart you can start to reconnect heart and sex to manifest love-making.

The Shame Associated With Sex

Another problem that happens around sex in our adult life is around shame. At boarding school sex was and although I don't know 100% now presume it is the same now, frowned upon. If we were caught having sex at my school even when we were 18 we would be expelled. No questions. Even if you hadn't made any mistakes until that day. Sex = Expulsion. Sex = Wrong. Sex = Punishment.

But as young boys certainly, we thought about sex all the time. And so there was a battle inside of us. We couldn't stop fanstisising and for some masturbating, but at the same time there was a part of us that would beat ourselves up. There's something wrong with you! You're disgusting. You're going to get caught. Sex = Shame. As I talk about in my new book about Boarding School Syndrome (out in 2021) we create these unconscious rules that, "Sex is wrong," "Sex is a shameful and punishable act."

So when we start to have sex as adults we still carry this same shame and these same rules, albeit unconsciously. We feel shame when we have sex. Yes, it might be pleasurable during the act itself, but after orgasm we go into feeling shame and like we've done something wrong. And if this continues for long enough and becomes painful enough, we will do all we can to avoid sex.

The remedy then is to start to explore and heal these memories and beliefs you have about sex. The healing begins when you start to see that it's okay to be sexual, not just with others, but with yourself as well. It's okay to touch yourself and stroke your body - you are worthy of pleasure and love just as much as another person. For when you cultivate this with yourself then you can start to cultivate this with another. At the beginning it might mean a lot of tears. But see these tears as healing. And that you are worthy of love. In a lot of the East, and some parts of Europe and Africa, sex is rejoiced and celebrated. It is seen as a natural part of what it is to be human. Our work as ex-boarders is to remember and re-learn these teachings.

Sex is Quick

Due to the above reasons at school we learn to be quick with any sexual activity. We have no space, no time, no privacy. We feel shame, fear and so any sexual act is done quickly in case of being caught.

When we reach adulthood then because we have trained our nervous systems hundreds if not thousands of times to be speedy with any sexual activity so when we are in relationship we do the same.

And yet if you listen to or read any of the tantric or Taoist texts on sexuality you will see that in order for sex to be become love-making, not only does it need to involve the heart but also it needs to slow down and relax. The Taoists say in sex that men are like fire and women are like water. A man gets aroused quickly and his passion can be extinguished quickly like fire. And women are like water - they take a long time to get warm but then they stay warm sexually for a long time. If you as a man have trained yourself to be quick then the woman that you are with will not be satisfied - she is like water and takes a long time to come to the boil. The teachings around sexuality say that a man must learn to slow down and not come to the boil too quickly. By doing that both partners achieve greater satisfaction in love-making.

The Lover Archetype is Suppressed

At boarding school and I see a common issue in boarding school survivors is that the Lover archetype is suppressed. What is the Lover archetype? In the seminal work by Robert Moore who was a Jungian analyst he showed that there are 4 main energies in our psyches as men and women: the King/ Queen, Warrior, Magician and Lover.

The King/ Queen = Leadership/ Direction/ Blessing Others/ Ordering your life/ Your spiritual self

The Warrior = Boundaries/ The part of you that acts and gets things done/ Knows your limits/ the physical self

The Magician = The part of you that want to know and understand things/ The mind or mental aspects

The Lover = The emotions/ the feeling part of you/ the spontaneous part of you/ the libido and sexual energy/ your desire to connect with others/ unbounded joy.

So my theory is that in boarding school syndrome our Lover archetype is suppressed and rejected. If, at school you felt joy or pleasure, you showed happiness or spontaneity then this is attacked and vilified and as in my school, we were called "Gay!"

The Lover archetype is directly linked to sex and libido. It is not just about sex but it is all about sensuality not just of the physical body but of life in general. The joy at seeing a beautiful sunset, or seeing the lush spring growth of an ancient forest. That is your Lover energy. And if it is disconnected or repressed then you will also struggle in sex.

How do you reconnect with the Lover? By creating - painting, being spontaneous, spending time in nature, nurturing yourself, playing, having fun, laughter, joyful pastimes. being happy for no reason, learning Tantra or Taoist sexual teachings. Re-member the glory of what it is to feel again.

---

In this video I talk more about boarding school syndrome and sex and how what went on at school relates to how you respond to sex in your present adult reality.

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To learn more about Boarding School Survivors Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here .

An Evolving Man Podcast #9 - Boarding School Syndrome with Alex Renton

Mon, 11 Jan 2021 12:44:54 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast # 9 - Alex Renton - Boarding School Syndrome & Stiff Upper Lip - What are the Wounds of Boarding School & What Can We Do To Heal Them?

In this edition of the An Evolving Man Podcast I interview Alex Renton who is the author of the book Stiff Upper Lip and the producer of the ITV documentary Secret Shame about child abuse at boarding school.

Alex is a writer and journalist whose career has ranged from arts and food writing to politics and the investigation of child abuse. His career as a war reporter and development worker took him to the Middle East, Africa, East Asia and the Balkans. He has worked for The Independent, The Times, Newsweek, and the London Evening Standard and contributed to a host of other newspapers and magazines. He is also the author of the e-book Planet Carnivore: how cheap meat costs the earth (Guardian Shorts, 2015).

Alex has won many awards for his work in investigative journalism, conflict and development reporting and for food writing, including the One World Award and the Glenfiddich Trophy.

Born in Canada, educated in English boarding schools and at Exeter University, Alex now lives in Edinburgh with his wife, son and daughter.

Please note that if you went to boarding school that you might find this interview triggering.

Here are some of the questions that I asked him:

1. I would love for you to share your own boarding school journey and how things changed for you in 2013 with the article you read about child abuse at the boarding school you attended?

2. What are some of the insights that you have had from publicly sharing your journey? Have people in the main been critical or supportive of you?

3. I would love to hear what you have found out re boarding school and complex trauma. I am hearing people talk about PTSD and boarding school syndrome. What is your sense of this analysis?

4. What do you see are some of the main issues that we as ex-boarders present? e.g. relationship problems, emotionally shut down etc.

5. My work is in helping people to heal from boarding school wounds. I would love to hear what you have found has helped others in the stories that you have heard? What has worked for you?

6. I love in your book how you talk about initiation (P.41). I would love to speak a little about how boarding school could be seen as an initiation – although not a healthy one. What could we do instead to help initiate boys and girls?

7. What is your vision for the future re boarding schools. Can we change the system? If so how do you feel we can change the system? Can we stop early boarding? What is the future of BS?

8. What are you doing next? How do people get in touch with you or get your book?

---

Alex also shared about the IICSA and said the following: “I think if we are going to get results out of it for children in residential care, in terms of solid safeguarding protocols and hard law to protect them and the whistleblowers, it will be largely because of Tom Perry's tireless work with https://www.mandatenow.org.uk. ”

In order to buy Alex's book (he has offered to sign copies for people if you contact him here) please go to https://stiffupperlipbook.com/contact/ and to buy it https://stiffupperlipbook.com/buy/

For the ITV documentary the Secret Shame that Alex helped to produce please visit:

https://youtu.be/uhWOM3iqF7c

#boardingschoolsyndrome #thesecretshame #alexrenton

---

I really enjoyed this interview and had some great insights while listening to Alex speak. Often as ex-boarders we don't have specific physical or sexual abuse. And yet what Alex shared is that in his experience having spent years researching it, it is actually the psychological damage which is the greatest cause of suffering. Many of us as ex-boarder know how that feels.

---

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

Every few weeks there will be an interview around men's topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support men during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

New Paragraph

Healing Childhood Trauma

Fri, 13 Nov 2020 13:00:46 GMT

Healing Childhood Trauma - What Are Some of The Symptoms of Childhood Trauma & How To Heal It

How do you go about healing childhood trauma? Maybe you struggled as a child and you feel that these challenges are still affecting your life now. Maybe you have certain symptoms - are these the same ones which are common for adults who have experienced trauma in childhood?

According to a new study in the Journal of the American Medical Association (November 2018) childhood trauma is linked to mental illness and addiction in adulthood.

Indeed in this report it is said that one of the biggest predictors of adult onset mental health disorders is whether someone had experienced trauma in childhood. But for some adults it is not obvious whether they have had childhood trauma. Why? One of the reasons is because they can't remember – they have no conscious memory of it.

It is said that from the ages of 0-6 we are in delta and theta brainwaves , meaning hypnosis. This is why many of us struggle to remember the childhood memories and traumas. We were literally in the brainwaves of deep hypnosis during those years.

So how do you know if you have had childhood trauma? Often childhood trauma manifests as certain conditions as an adult. What are these symptoms to signify that you might have some unresolved childhood traumas still to work through?

The Symptoms of Childhood Trauma:

According to research by the Great Smoky Mountains Study (93-03) some of the symptoms and signs of childhood trauma are as follows:

Mental health issues

Addictions in general. These can manifest with alcohol, drugs, food, pornography, sex, or gambling.
Interpersonal problems – struggles in relationships both intimate and in general.
General instability
Low self-esteem
Neediness
Trust issues
Social problems
Passivity
Overly controlling nature

If you resonate with quite a few of the above points then there is a strong potential that you still have some unresolved childhood trauma to deal with.

The Importance of Healing Childhood Trauma

In further research by Harvard University they found that unresolved childhood trauma “can trigger emotional and physical reactions”. These reactions can “make you more prone to a number of different health conditions, including heart attack, stroke, obesity, diabetes, and cancer.”

It can be easy to feel that there is nothing that we can do about earlier childhood traumas but if we don't do anything as the above research has shown then we can be more prone to serious health conditions.

The truth is that there is something that you can do to heal your childhood traumas.

What are the Ways of Healing Childhood Trauma?

There are many different modalities for healing childhood trauma, from psychotherapy to Jungian analysis. Over the years I have tried out many different avenues for healing my own boarding school syndrome and early childhood trauma. I spent 3 years using counselling and yet I found that I received very little benefits from having purely a talk-based therapy.

I found that for Complex trauma like Complex PTSD (c-PTSD) , which is a common for ex-boarders, then some work needs to be done on an unconscious level. Dream analysis, Matrix Reimprinting, energy psychology and EFT are all processes that work with the unconscious. When you tap into and heal those early memories (pre 6) or other childhood traumas then you can not only let go of the trauma itself but also clear the symptoms of surrounding this.

It is possible to heal. If you feel like you have you tried many therapies to work on your trauma but it has not shifted ask yourself, have I worked on the unconscious? If not then see that there is a potential to heal. You can heal your childhood trauma.

To learn more about Healing Childhood Trauma Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here .

Paris Hilton & Boarding School Syndrome

Tue, 06 Oct 2020 14:14:08 GMT

Paris Hilton - Boarding School Syndrome - Analysis Of Paris Hilton's Trauma at Boarding School

A few weeks ago it was recommended that I watch Paris Hilton's new Documentary called The Real Story of Paris Hilton. You can watch the full film here .

What does this have to do with boarding school syndrome?

Why was I recommended to watch a documentary with Paris Hilton in it?

To be honest I had heard of Paris and yet I didn't know anything else about her... just her name.

The reason I was asked to watch this film is because for the past 6 years I have been posting videos on Youtube about Boarding School Syndrome and Boarding School Survivors.

One of my subscribers mentioned that they had been to an Emotional Growth Boarding School and that Paris Hilton had also attended one of these schools called Provo Canyon School.

I had never heard of an Emotional Growth Boarding School.

Having worked in this area working 1-1 with clients for a number of years I questioned how Emotional Growth and Boarding School could be in the same sentence.

So I watched the film and the below video is my response. I am really impressed that Paris Hilton has spoken up. I love her bravery.

In this video I talk about the classic boarding school syndrome traits and link them into the film and to Paris herself. I reference this article in my video about Boarding School Syndrome Symptoms & Traits: https://www.piers-cross.com/boarding-school-syndrome

And the Mind article about C-PTSD https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex-ptsd/

It is fascinating to see that even someone as famous and well-known as Paris Hilton has been affected by Boarding School. And in her words, it was not a pleasant experience and that she still has nightmares to this day.

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To learn more about Boarding School Survivors Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here .

Married To A Boarding School Survivor

Thu, 01 Oct 2020 14:52:37 GMT

Married To A Boarding School Survivor - How To Be in Relationship with Someone Who Has Boarding School Syndrome

A Boarding School Survivor is a relatively new term for an old phenomenon.

Essentially it describes someone who has attended boarding school who still carries wounds relating to

that time. These wounds generally block the person from fully functioning in the world.

To others they might seem to be very successful - career-wise or financially. They can come across as charming or confident.

But the truth is that while they seem like they are fully functioning to the outside world, in relationships they often really struggle.

The people who are married to or partners with these boarding school survivors are often greatly affected by their other halves. While others can see this amazing person, the wife or husband sees a different side. A side that this boarding school survivor doesn't show to the rest of the world.

And for this reason if you are married to a boarding school survivor then you can probably quite clearly see the symptoms of boarding school syndrome when sometimes even the 'survivor' cannot.

What are some of these symptoms which relate to relationships? What are some of the symptoms of boarding school syndrome?

Does your partner often struggle with emotional intimacy ? Do they seem anxious when emotional intimacy is required?
Often ex-boarders are workaholics . Do you you find that your partner struggles to switch off at the end of the day? What are holidays like? Is your other half able to stop? Or do they get restless and want to be doing things?
Boarding school survivors are often very controlling or perfectionists . Do you often find that you are in their spotlight of control or perfectionism? Does it feel like you can't do anything right?
Does your loved one function well on a career or financial level but not on an emotional plane ?
An ex-boarder often feels like a failure or at least really scared of being seen as a failure. Do you see this trait in them? To you it looks like they've done a great job, but to them it is not quite good enough.
The person with boarding school syndrome often wants people to like them. This kept them safe while at school. Rather than speak up and say what they feel they prefer not to rock the boat. Sometimes this is useful but in relationships, often this results in them not speaking their truth.
Do you get the sense that your partner is out of touch with their own needs? Do they drop everything when their family or work calls? It is like they do things to please others rather than doing things that feed themselves.
Do you get a sense that although your loved might say that they are happy that you feel that deep down they are not happy or joyful?
Often ex-boarders you have forgotten how to play or 'let their hair down' and have fun and can seem really serious and boring.
And in many cases In intimate relationships the ex-boarder will do things to avoid you, and especially conflict, preferring not to speak about something rather than resolve it.

So what can you do if you are married to a boarding school survivor?

What if you can quite clearly see that they have boarding school syndrome even if they do not?

Get them to read The Making of Them by Nick Duffell.

This is an amazing book by a UK psychotherapist who has worked with ex-boarders for over 30 years. In the book it gives lots of insights into life at boarding school.
Watch the following video about Married To a Boarding School Survivor

In this video I talk about a few different ways that you can cope with your partner.

I answer a question from a subscriber asking about how to be in relationship with a boarding school survivor.

What can you do to help your partner to heal?
How to get your partner to trust you so that they can open up?
What inner work you can do for the benefit of yourself, and your loved ones.

I recorded this at one of England's top boarding school's in North Yorkshire. I felt it was an appropriate space to answer the question.

3. Speak to someone who understands about Boarding School Syndrome

Is there someone you know who understands about boarding school and the trauma that went on there? If you do then I recommend that you reach out to them and speak. Being able to share what you are going through with others can be really healing.

If nobody springs to mind then you are welcome to reach out to me to arrange a call . In my years as a therapist it is often the partners of ex-boarders who reach out to me to ask for advice. Once they have spoken to me they then ask their loved one to arrange to speak to me.

As many ex-boarders are not able to see that they have this syndrome, the partners are often a gate way for them to start getting help and changing.

It is possible to heal.

To learn more about Boarding School Survivors Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here .

Boarding School Syndrome - What is it and what are the symptoms?

Fri, 24 Jul 2020 16:48:40 GMT

Boarding School Syndrome – What is it and what are the symptoms?

The term boarding school survivors was first coined through the work of the psychotherapist Nick Duffell. In the therapeutic work that he was doing with ex-boarders from the early 1990s he found that there were common traits that these clients were presenting and so those who have “survived” boarding school became the boarding school survivors. Joy Schaverien, expanded on this work in her book, Boarding School Syndrome where she talks in more depth about the trauma of the 'privileged' child.

Boarding School Syndrome is now being recognized as a specific psychological condition characterized by depression, problems with relationships and long-term emotional or behavioral difficulties. Those that are effected by this syndrome are often called Boarding School Survivors.

Nick Duffell released his book, The Making of Them, in 2000, based on this work with ex-boarding school pupils. In response, the UK media asked him the questions along the line of “Does boarding school negatively effect all pupils of boarding school?” And his response was to say that, no, but all pupils of boarding school have to survive.

Did you attend boarding school? Did you see it as a positive experience, a negative experience or you feel rather indifferent towards your boarding school education? Whatever your experience, according to Nick Duffell you would have had to have survived.

I attended boarding school for 7 years from age 11 through to 17. On leaving school I saw it as a positive experience. I had been great at sports and academically reasonably bright. And yet as time went on I realized that my boarding school education had come at a cost. I realized that I had very little connection to my emotions. I also realized that I was not able to love or feel my heart.

This realization about my emotions helped me to go on a journey. Through the support of therapists, Buddhist monks and spiritual teachers I started to heal the wounds around my emotions, my relationships and my ability to love.

Do you recognise any of the below symptoms that many ex-boarders or those that present boarding school syndrome show:

Do you struggle with emotional intimacy? Does it make you feel anxious?
Do you find that you are not able to switch off? During holidays or down time do you find that you need to find something to do?
Are you very controlling or a perfectionist? You often don't notice this trait but your spouse or children will often point out that they feel like they can't do anything right?
Do you function well on a career or financial level but not on an emotional plane?
Do you feel like you are a failure or at least really scared of being seen as a failure?
Do you find it hard to relax?
Do you often often feel out of touch with your own needs? You are happy to give to others but don't spend any time giving to yourself.
Do you feel like you aren't really happy or joyful and that you have forgotten how to play or 'let your hair down' and have fun?
Do you often feel alone, even when in a group of people?
In your intimate relationship do you find that you avoid your partner?
Do you have a fear that you are unlovable?
Are you a workaholic and feel much more comfortable working hard than you do with your partner?
Do people react to you as if you’re a bully?
Have you struggled with addictions?
Do you have a pattern of not committing to relationships, and your potential partners say that you blow hot or cold?
When things are not going well in a relationship do you avoid conflict? Do you find that you prefer to be secretive or covert in conflict if it does arise?
Do you see yourself always taking care of others but really struggle to take care of yourself?
Do you find that you can provide for your family on a financial level but not on an emotional one?
Do you find it hard bringing up children?
Do you find that you try to keep out of trouble, and get scared that you might get caught?
Do you fear exposure as a fraud or impostor?
Have you ever had or still have sleep disorders or sexual problems?
Do you find that you easily get stressed?

Do you answer yes to any of these questions? Do you answer yes a lot these questions? Then firstly please know that you are not alone. Many boarding school survivors struggle with the above areas. I struggled with most of these areas for a number of years.

What is really heartening nowadays is that there are so many therapies and tools that help boarding school survivors to not only heal these wounds but also to start creating happier and more joyful lives.

It does take time, patience, and consistency but it is possible to start healing.

To learn more about Boarding School Survivors Therapy and Coaching or to get in touch here .

My Father & I - Healing The Father Wound

Tue, 14 Jul 2020 11:10:02 GMT

My Father & I - Healing The Father Wound

The 22nd June 2020 was the 20th anniversary of my father's death.

The truth is that I have a lot of love for my father now.

But that wasn't the case when he was alive.

Indeed, it was just over 20 years ago that I knew that he had a couple of days to live. He had had cancer for 6 months and we knew that he didn't have long left.

I felt that I needed to speak to him.

I knew that this might be the last chance I could speak to him.

So I went to his bedside and said that I wanted to speak.

He propped himself up and he listened.

It wasn't easy to speak what it was that I wanted to say.

I felt a lot of fear.

“Dad, I feel like you've hated me all my life.”

At this my father burst into tears and said, “That's not true. I do love you.”

He went on, “My whole life's been a lie.” “My whole life has been an act.”

And he started to tell me how happy he was in his current life with his new wife and the land that they had bought and were now converting into amazing gardens.

He went on to say that if only he had quit his job sooner and spent more time here.

You see, my father was ex-boarding school, just like me.

And he only realised what he loved and what was important to him when it was too late.

My father died a few days later.

---

In the years following his death I felt such hatred towards him.

It had felt like I had never been good enough in his eyes.

He never praised me and he rarely hugged me.

I realised that I had left for boarding school at age 11 because I wanted to get away from him.

I couldn't handle him. His rage. His violence.

But as the years went by I started to heal the wound inside of me.

I went to psychics and my father was there – I didn't want him to be and told him to go away!

I did shamanic ceremonies and spoke to him and found healing and peace.

I went back to visit the memories of him through EFT and Matrix Reimprinting so that I could let go of the rage that I carried.

---

And today I now hold an image of him as a Golden King who praises me by saying, “You are enough, Piers.”

And I feel his love in my heart. Over time I have learned to heal the father wound inside myself.

So partly I am posting this because I often read posts on Facebook from people saying how wonderful their deceased parents were. And for those of us who didn't have this relationship it can feel quite intimidating.

That there's something wrong with us.

But there is nothing wrong with us.

We were blessed by our mothers and fathers, not because they were great but because they made us great through the challenges that they put us through.

They made us great through the lack of love, care and attention that they gave us.

We had to/ have to find it in our hearts instead.

We can do it.

If you didn't have the relationship with your parents that you wanted, then know that you are not alone.

But also please realise that you can change your relationship to them.

And heal those wounds so that you don't transfer them onto your children too.

Love and blessings to my amazing father – thank you for the challenges – they have helped me to grow beyond belief.

And love and blessings to you all, Piers xx

Dealing With Depression & Suicidal Thoughts - Keep Going

Fri, 22 May 2020 17:30:02 GMT

Dealing With Depression & Suicidal Thoughts

A number of years ago I wrote a song called Keep Going. I wrote this in part as a reflection of my own inner struggles and how I struggled to keep going. I was constantly dealing with depression & suicidal thoughts and I so wanted to give up - whatever I was trying - life, relationships...

So many of us especially with the current climate of lockdowns and social distancing are struggling with mental health.

We are born to be around other people. We are used to living in community with friends, family or colleagues to chat to or speak to face to face.

But this year, this has not been possible. No, we have had to isolate and therefore many people are now dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts.

---

So I wrote this as a support for people who are struggling and going through challenges. I wrote this for those who are wanting to give up. The song is at the bottom.

Keep Going by Piers Cross

In, out,
Roundabout,
The changes drive us up and down,
A crazy world,
Both in and out,
Sometimes such an urge to shout,
To scream, to cry
To rage but why?
There is no reason,
There is every reason.

Keep going
Keep going and then some,
Keep going
Keep going, you're beautiful,
Keep going,
Keep going, you are strong,
And this track of time will pass.

The urge sometimes is to retire,
To return to source
And leave it all behind,
But that is our illusion
That is our confusion,
Life is for living
And tears and pain
Are part of our giving
Back to this world,
With our wings unfurled
We fly, we fly,
With our wings unfurled
We fly, we fly.

Open your heart,
Feel this pain,
Feel this love
And that it is all you,
You are magnificent
Even with these tears,
You are magnificent
Even with these scars.

Keep going
No matter what anyone says,
No matter what you feel
Even if it feels too much
You are bright
In your wholeness
Not in your denial of your truth

You are bright with a wide and open heart.

Many blessings,

Piers

An Evolving Man Podcast #1 - Warrior, Magician, Lover, King

Tue, 12 May 2020 11:50:51 GMT

An Evolving Man Podcast # 1 - Rod Boothroyd - Warrior, Magician, Lover, King - An Introduction To the Mature Masculine Archetypes

An Evolving Man (AEM) Podcast is for men who want to grow, evolve and want support in learning how to do this.

Every few weeks there will be an interview around men's topics ranging from self-development, relationships, spirituality, archetypes, and men's work featuring authors and leaders in this field.

The sense with these interviews is to support men during these times of change. What are the teachings, tools and practices that you can use to help you through these turbulent times?

---

In the first podcast I interview Rod Boothroyd who is a counsellor, psychotherapist, a certified “Healing The Shadow” practitioner and the author of the book Warrior, Magician, Lover, King – A Guide To The Male Archetypes Updated for the 21st Century.

Rod works with men, women and mixed groups. He offers 1-1 and group work to help heal the wounds of childhood with Marianne Hill.

Today we talk about the archetypes. These primal energies which effects us and the world around so heavily especially in these times.

In this interview I ask Rod to introduce the mature masculine energies of the King, Magician, Warrior and Lover and how they appear in our lives.

What can we do to connect more with the benevolent qualities and heal the negative sides?

Some of the questions he answers are:

1. What are the archetypes?
2. How do they impact our lives as men?
3. What are the main different mature masculine archetypes in brief?
4. How are they imbalanced now? Moore & Gillette mention in their book KMWL that the main imbalance is in the Lover quadrant. In your book you mention that it is now the King. How has this changed? What can we do as men to redress the imbalance?
5. How can we use the archetypes to help us through these troubled times?
6. "With such big forces at play, how do the archetypes especially the warrior fit with the idea of peace and love? Should the warrior be prepared to fight for his families, and his communities for humanities future?"
7. In more depth (if there is time) what are the archetypes in the positive and the negative. How do we connect to the positive side? How do we heal the negative side?
8. How do people find out more about you and the work that you do?

Rod Boothroyd's Websites: https://www.strongfreemen.co.uk/
https://www.takeyourpower.co.uk/

The Mankind Project UK: https://mankindprojectuki.org/

The MKP New Warrior Training: https://mankindprojectuki.org/the-new-warrior-training-adventure

---

Many blessings,

Piers

As We Enter Stillness The Shadows Arise

Tue, 12 May 2020 11:19:31 GMT

As We Enter Stillness The Shadows Arise

The last few days I have noticed some of my shadows...

From the sense of real connection with others and nature last week I saw some of my shadows rear their heads this weekend.

Wanting to control...

Fear about surviving...

---

In the past I might have jumped ship and spiraled.

Gone into a dark place for a week or 2.

But instead by allowing my emotions and having a benevolent woman reflect my shadow back to me I feel like something has shifted.

I feel that this time of isolation (Covid-19) will bring up both the light and the dark.

This time of isolation will bring up our shining and our shadows.

This period of going within will be a time to open more to love and to heal those dark places we have feared to tread...

Maybe the grief, as I faced last night, at how unconscious I have been at times in my life, and still that shadow raises it's head.

The sadness for how we as humanity have become and stood by and watched.

The despair at how our actions can affect another.

But instead of beating ourselves up as we sometimes do, instead leaning into this feeling.

This is a time to heal these wounds that we as men (and women) have carried with us.

This is a time to lean into these uncomfortable feelings without judgement and hatred.

Just being.

Here.

Now.

This is how it feels to have become disconnected.

This is how it feels when I react in this way.

By leaning into it, I heal.

By leaning into we heal.

And those behaviours start to change.

And our hearts open not only to the love that is all around, but also to the pain and discomfort that we have been too afraid to feel.

Sure, there might be tears.

Sure, there might be discomfort because we are not used to this.

But really, your heart will expand even more and your love will start to form roots pushing their way down into Mother Earth.

Your love will spread itself up as branches into the cosmos.

And you will be a beacon for others.

And together our light will shine as one.

Yes, it is time to feel our love.

And it is also time to lean into our shadows and heal them every one.

---

Many blessings,

Piers

What Has Happened To Kindness

pierscrosswork@yahoo.co.uk (Piers Cross) — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 12:36:43 GMT

What Has Happened To Kindness?

In the town near to where I live there are huge signs saying Kindness.

It always warms my heart to see them in the supermarket car park and along the road.

But I am seeing and I am hearing stories that somehow people are forgetting to be kind with the chaos of this time.

Somehow people are forgetting to love their neighbour and instead report them to the police for stepping outside their front door...

Somehow people are forgetting to be kind to the supermarket staff and shout and curse at them...

Somehow people are forgetting that there are humans reading these posts and feel that they can call them names just because they disagree with what they have written.

Somehow we as partners are forgetting to be kind to our loved ones when maybe they are struggling too...

Please remember that a lot of people are struggling.

Do you know when you dump your stuff onto someone else that you have not pushed them over the edge – especially as so many are feeling alone?

Yes, this is challenging time.

But it is a challenging time for most people.

Let us remember to be kind.

Not only to others, but to ourselves as well.

And when we feel that rage, that indignation, and that fear, take a breath.

Realise that this feeling is a chance to grow.

This feeling is a chance to develop patience and love.

So please remember to be kind.

For we will get out the other side of this.

We will.

And it is through love and kindness and by facing our fear that we will.

Men & Selfishness - How Men Thrive Through Service

Thu, 27 Feb 2020 18:51:13 GMT

Men and selfishness – Men Thrive Through Serving

Men can be selfish. We can often get lost in “What's in it for me?” Modern society promotes self over service but is this truly fulfilling? Or is this creating a modern man who is depressed, suicidal and disempowered?

There are many men out there who are struggling at the moment. As I shared last week in my article about men's groups, the leading cause of death in the UK men under the age of 45 is suicide. How does this relate to being selfish? What does this have to do with service?

---

As men, certainly in the UK, we have been taught from a young age to go within. Rather than expressing ourselves through our emotions – our tears, anger, upset and joy, we are told to put a lid on it.

Anger is punished...

Tears are laughed at...

Love is called girly...

So we start to self-regulate ourselves. We start to go within. Rather than giving out to the world, all of ourselves, we go within, we suppress, we repress and we control.

What happens is that as we grow older we become more concerned with ourselves than others. The common term used in marketing is “What's in it for me?” They say that our customers are more interested in themselves than in anyone else. Talk about them and they will love you.

But this model is for making money – not for cultivating happiness. While money is important, if it is your only focus then an imbalance can occur.

A relationship can falter is your only focus is yourself...

Your children can feel uncared for if you only talk about yourself...

Your community can fall apart if there is no one caring for those who are struggling...

---

So my invitation to men is that it is time for you to step outside of yourself. Time to stop asking “What's in it for me?” and start asking “How may I serve?”

Humans are born to thrive and yet by just focusing on yourself and your needs you don't thrive.

You truly thrive when you look around the world and ask, “What does the world need?”

Maybe the world needs more joy, so my invitation is that you smile more and offer praise to those around you.

Maybe the old people want company and conversation, so give them your time and your listening ears.

Maybe the young people want benevolent role models to support them to become the greatest versions of themselves, so spend time with them truly being present and open hearted...

And when you ask those questions and you take those steps to serve, your life feels on purpose.

A man must have a purpose.

A man must have a vision and a mission.

For when we do, we feel alive, we feel connected to all aspects of the mature archetypes of the King, Magician, Warrior and Lover.

We bless others with our work – the King...

We serve the realm – the Warrior...

We feel deeply into those around us both their joy and their pain and support them – the Lover...

We create visions and ideas of how we want the world to be – the Magician...

By being selfish and only caring about your own success and wealth, you miss a huge opportunity to be happy.

This work is not easy, but it is a work that you were born to do.

Many blessings,

Piers

Meeting Uncomfortable Feelings

Thu, 27 Feb 2020 14:33:53 GMT

The Floods Again – Meeting Uncomfortable Feelings

A few weeks ago the town I live in flooded. It was the 3rd big flood in the last 8 years. When I heard the news I felt a combination of sadness, despair and anger.

My wife and I were not affected by the flood, thankfully, although many friends and local businesses have been. So on the day I heard I was feeling these powerful emotions.

So today I thought I would share the importance of facing and feeling the emotions that arise in life, especially for us as men for we often do not take the time to acknowledge or feel them.

---

A few weeks ago on Monday morning I started to receive messages from family and friends about the floods and from the local Scout group as the Scout hut where I volunteer flooded. The town seemed to have been as badly hit as 3 years ago and the Scout hut was under 2 feet of water. We were badly flooded last time and it took us many months to recover.

And as I looked at these images and texts I felt a deep sense of sadness.

Sadness that the floods have happened again.

Despair that we have to clean up again.

Anger... well I won't go into why I feel angry for this is not the point of this post. But acknowledging that yes, I feel angry.

What I wanted to share was that sometimes I forget to meet these emotions. Sometimes I can brush them aside and get on with what I am doing.

Sometimes I can get on with helping or doing but instead of it coming from an open-hearted place I can come across as angry or shut down.

So on that Monday morning I spent a few minutes walking back and forth feeling this feeling of sadness/ anger/ despair at what happened and what was unfolding.

And as I walked back and forth the tears started to flow and I felt my heart starting to open to what was happening.

As I dropped into my heart I felt a deep sense of compassion for what many of my community would be going through. And as I felt deeper into it I could see how I wanted to be of support to them in whatever way I could.

And rather coming from anger or sorrow I could meet them with an open heart.

So my invitation to you as a man if you have strong emotions coming up is to meet them. Meet them and feel them. By meeting them I mean to breathe and acknowledge what you feel. By meeting them I mean to take the time to feel before engaging in life or just getting on with things. For when you do you will come from a more open-hearted place and find the best way of helping others and yourself.

Sending the wish that may all beings be well,

Piers

Learning To Still The Mind

Tue, 28 Jan 2020 16:22:27 GMT

Learning To Still The Mind

One of the most important practices to cultivate in this busy modern world is the art of calming and stilling the mind.

If you can learn to have a calm mind even when all around you is busy and hectic then you will no longer be at the cause of life but at the effect. Others will notice how calm you remain even in potentially stressful situations.

How do you do this? There are many techniques to help you cultivate this inner calm. And yet the primary tool that I have used over the past 20 years is meditation. I first learned meditation in 1997 and have meditated every day for the past 18 years. This is my go to for stress management, happiness, insight and healing and one of the main tools I teach my clients.

...

What I love about the modern advances in technology is that now we can learn new practices so easily. We can download an app, an MP3 or watch a video with such ease.

The first time I learned meditation was at a Mind, Body, Spirit Fair in King's Cross, London. I had read a number of self-help books and yet I hadn't quite grasped how to meditate. These books talked about meditation but they didn't outline how to do it.

When my partner and I arrived at the MBS Fair I looked at the program. I saw a talk about Transmission Meditation and thought, “Ah, this is where I will learn how to meditate...”

Unfortunately, it was instead a talk and a video about a spiritual teacher. My partner, who was a banker, found the talk rather unsettling and asked to leave half way through. Indeed the talk was not really about meditation.

As I wondered around the stalls afterwards I must have been talking to one of the stall holders. I said that I wanted to learn meditation and wondered where I could go. He replied, "I can teach you here."

So we both sat cross legged on the floor of this busy conference centre. And he started to teach me meditation. It was so simple. “Watch the breath. And when your mind gets distracted, come back to the breath and the sensations of the body breathing.”

It was that simple.

Guided Meditations

In the Buddhist monastery I lived in often the guided meditations would really help me to stay focused and deepen my meditation.

And while I still like to practice meditation in this simple manner to this day, watching my breath, I have started to use guided meditations a lot more. I have found that it has helped to deepen my practice.

For this reason I have been creating over the past few years some guided meditations to help you deepen your practice.

Whether that be to still your mind, release stress, increase joy, improve sleep or heal your heart.

I am now offering these meditations for sale on my website. Some are 20 minutes long and others run for an hour. Please find the link below.

https://www.piers-cross.com/shop

Many blessings, Piers

Men's work – 3 Reasons Why Men's Groups Are So Powerful

Mon, 27 Jan 2020 14:49:49 GMT

Men's work – 3 Reasons Why Men's Groups Are So Powerful

Today I would like to talk about men's work.

I would like to talk about the power that it holds and why I recommend all men to do men's work.

I will also talk about 3 reasons why I feel men's work is so powerful in this day and age.

...

This past weekend I have been staffing as a volunteer for the men's charity the Mankind Project (MKP). The MKP run workshops and rites of passage weekends for men. It was a very powerful few days with a great group of attendees and staff men. It was not without it's challenges (as I will share later), but this is part of what I love about doing men's work – the ability to move through and deepen our relationships with other men through these challenges.

Women have been doing their own work and their own groups for years. And although men have been doing men's work in small amounts since the 1980s birthed by Robert Bly, it has never been on the scale of women's groups.

A lot of women seem to be comfortable with sitting in circle, sharing and showing their emotions. For men, on the other hand, in my experience this is not the case.

So today I wanted to talk about why I feel it is time that men step up and do men's work.

---

What is men's work?

Men's work for me is when a group of men specifically meet with the purpose of talking about, and healing the challenges that are arising or have arisen in their life. Rather than blame or shame others for their problems, men's work is about taking full responsibility for all that shows up in your life.

For many, this is a challenge. Full responsibility. We have got comfortable. We have got safe. We have got used to the treadmill. Stepping off the treadmill even for a weekend and meeting ourselves can be painful. And yet it can also be incredibly healing. Yes, healing.

We have become a society that says that any form of pain is bad. Suffering is wrong. And yet, for thousands of years spiritual traditions have taught us that it is by transcending suffering that we heal. It is through feeling our pain and letting it go that we find true happiness and contentment in life.

Men's work for me is that. It is challenging. Challenging to meet myself in my shadows and my shit. Challenging to see what I might have become or what I have done. But if we live in denial then usually we stay in denial.

---

The catalyst

Often what brings men to do the work is when a challenge arises. It might be a breakup, a relationship falling apart, health deteriorating or financial collapse. Instead of being eternally focused outside we have to look within.

So below I offer 3 reasons why I feel men's work is so needed in today's society:

1. Men don't need to do it alone

Yes, men have been taught that we have to be self sufficient. But the truth is that not only do we not have to do it on our own, but it takes us so much less time when we have the support of others.

By joining a men's group or attending an MKP event you drop the need to stay in your stuff alone and get help to move through it.

2. By sharing your vulnerability you grow closer to others

Most men carry this mask. The mask that “I'm okay”, the mask that “I'm sorted”. But the truth is that most men are not sorted. That is clear by looking at the statistics of suicide . 75% of all suicides are carried out by men and the leading killer of men in the UK under 45 is suicide.

But once men learn to share their stories and their vulnerabilities with others a bond is formed. I personally find that once I know someone's story my heart opens. I hear their pain and see beneath the mask that they are truly human. The masks drop.

3. You get to face your challenges and move through them

Another benefit of men's work is not that you don't have challenges. No, you still have them but you have a chance to work through them rather than suppress like we have done for so many years.

Yesterday in my volunteering work a man said some critical things of me. I had made a mistake and had mentioned what I had done. The other man was upset and said words from a critical place. I immediately felt anger and rage. And beneath that were tears.

I shared where I was at. And then 20 minutes later the man and I talked. We cleared – we spoke what was coming up for us by taking full responsibility for our actions. By the end we hugged and I felt closer to this man than I had before.

As men, and women, often we ignore the anger or the uncomfortable emotions and we won't speak our truth. And yet when we do in a safe place, a great healing can occur. This is another reason why I feel men's work is so powerful.

I hope that you found this useful and please do comment below or share to men who you feel could do with some time with other men to heal and grow.

I run regular retreats for men in the UK. If you know a man or you are that man who wants some time out to recharge and re-find your direction please visit my retreats page.

Please do connect with Mankind Project and I recommend their weekend training called the New Warrior Training Adventure.

Many blessings,

Piers

When You Arrive at A Crossroads and Are Unsure Which Path To Take

Mon, 23 Dec 2019 14:07:20 GMT

When You Arrive at A Crossroads and Are Unsure Which Path To Take

When You Arrive at A Crossroads and Are Unsure Which Path To Take

Sometimes in life we get to a crossroads and wonder which path to take.

Sometimes we get to a point in our journey when we are not sure where we go next.

Today I would like to share some reflections about this.

...

Life can be strange sometimes.

For there are times when certain doors close.

That might be in relationship, with work, with retirement or when your children leave home.

So what do you do when life circumstances change?

...

Over the past few weeks life circumstances have started to change for me.

The work that I have been doing with children for the past 8 months has started to come to an end.

Since leaving the corporate world I have often had changes in circumstances.

And so many times I have had to trust that the right doors and opportunities would open.

And I have found that they always do.

I have been publishing videos about my experiences and healing from boarding school for a number of years.

I was mentioning to a friend a few days ago about how I have started to write a book for men. When I then went on to say that at some point I would write about boarding school he said, "Do it! I really get that you must write about your boarding school experiences."

This in itself brought up a lot of fear.

I have been frightened of sharing my journey at boarding school for fear of what others would think of me.

At boarding school, I learned not to put my head above the trenches. I didn't want people to notice me.

But the more I have mentioned about writing a book about boarding school, the more people have gone, "Yes, you must do it!"

So the book has begun...

It will be part autobiography sharing my journey through trauma, suicide and wounding and part a tool box for healing.

I will share the tools that I have been taught and learned for healing the trauma and opening my heart again.

Please watch this space...

...

So if you find yourself at these crossroads what can you do?

1. Be patient.

Ask the question, "What's next? How may I serve this world at this time?"

And listen.

Listen to your dreams. Write them down.

Spend time alone in nature.

Go to visit a monastery or a church and see what unfolds.

What inklings or insights do you have?

Be patient.

2. What shifts or life experiences have you been through that others could benefit from?

Sometimes, as I found when I first shared my deep vulnerability of boarding school life, then people will love and support what you do.

So have a reflect, 'what life experiences have I been through and have I done a lot of healing around?'

And share that with others.

3. Get back into your heart.

Sometimes when you reach the crossroads then fear can arise.

It does with me.

But your job is to keep coming back into your joy and your heart.

Reconnect with what you are passionate about. And spend some time doing that. Be that playing music, spending time with good friends, taking a hot bath or reading an inspiring book.

...

Thank you for reading. And please do comment below if any of this resonates with you.

Many blessings, Piers x

Dealing With The Despair of Post UK Elections

Mon, 23 Dec 2019 13:55:39 GMT

Dealing with the despair of post UK elections

Dealing with the despair of post UK elections

For many in the UK a few weeks ago was a sad day. For some there was relief. But for many millions who had voted Labour the defeat has left them in despair.

...

Looking at my Facebook feed in the last few weeks I saw that many were speechless and couldn't work out what we are doing in the UK.

So today I thought that I would share a few reflections on how we move through this despair and come out the other side – seeing that we are moving into greater opportunity than ever before..

---

When I heard the news that the Conservatives had won, I felt shocked. “Really? Surely not...” And for a little while I felt confused and the stories that I create in head about the current system wandered for a few minutes.

But then I remembered a teaching from a neuroscientist called Dr Joe Dispenza called Project Coherence. So I went to bed to read the chapter in his book Becoming Supernatural about the subject.

And his words were just the right words to read to uplift me.

---

Essentially we have been told that we have no power. Essentially we have been told that others control us. And yet more and more research is showing that through love, joy, compassion and joining together as humanity we can heal any issue. Please look at some of Dr Joe's work and testimonials to see the healing that is taking place.

So the current way of fighting, raging and attacking others who don't share our views just adds fuel to the fire.

We feed the fire with this anger.

---

There is a lovely teaching from Buddhism about the anger eating demon. The story talks about a King who goes away from his kingdom for a period of time. While he is away a demon appears in his throne room.

The courtiers try to oust the demon. But every time they throw something at him, insult him or get angry he grows bigger in size.

By the time the King returns the demon is so large that he had filled the whole of the throne room.

The King immediately knows what to do. “Oh, beautiful blessed demon, what would you like? Would you like your feet rubbing?” So the King starts to rub the demon's feet. Immediately, the demon shrinks in size.

The courtiers see what is happening and realise what they need to do. They set to work! Some start lavishing praise on the demon. Others offer drinks and treats for the demon at which every kind and loving gesture the demon shrinks until he is back to human size. And at the very last act of kindness the demons vanishes.

---

This teaching is powerful. I see on the media that people are feeding these “anger eating demons” with their anger and hatred. Let us instead send them love and kindness.

Let us instead dream in a new reality for the type of leaders we want to have - benevolent, loving, who have done their work.

Let us dream in all the amazing ways that humanity will come together to solve the current problems in a harmonious way.

Let us relish in these positive feelings because as in Joe Dispenza's meditation you will find that your visions and feelings will start to create a more peaceful, loving and harmonious world.

You are that powerful. Really.

And our work is to keep coming back to kindness – even when we don't want to be kind.

To be loving – even when there are those who hate us.

And to love – because your love and vision is the pathway to a great future for the planet and our descendants.

Many blessings,

Piers xx

International Men's Day

Tue, 19 Nov 2019 16:06:00 GMT

International Men's Day

International Men's Day

In celebration of International Men's Day I want to appreciate all the amazing men out there.

Please feel share this message in support of the men around you.

...

You are a King

You are.

Sometimes you do forget – the shining that is you. You forget that sometimes the world and your woman doesn't need fixing.

What they are searching for is your presence.

They are searching for your ability to not get wobbled off and lose your centre.

They are searching for your ability to stay in your heart and love them for exactly how they are.

Remember as the Arthurian legends so clearly told us, “The land and the King are one.”

When you as a man are not centred or balanced then your land is not balanced or centred.

When you as a man are in your benevolent power, joy and love then your kingdom, the world that you inhabit is empowered, joyful and full of love.

Remember that you are a King and you have that power to affect others.

…

We are coming into a time when the world and its people will need you to do the work so that you are in your King energy.

Nobody else can do this work, although you can get help.

Your work is to sort through your own projections, and baggage so that you don't dump it onto the world.

For when you do that you are able to bless those around you, support those around you and give of your gift to the world.

You are bright and brilliant.

Please remember that.

You are bright and amazing.

You have so many gifts to share with this world.

Remember to reach out to other brothers and Kings. We are here as men to support you.

Happy International Men's Day,

Please share this with the men, the Kings in your life.

Many blessings,

Piers x

Men Don't Need To Do It Alone

Tue, 19 Nov 2019 15:51:04 GMT

Men Don't Need To Do It Alone

Today I want to talk about how men have become like islands.

Instead of working together and supporting each other men now try to sort everything out themselves.

Today I want to talk about how men have gone from being brothers working together in a tribe to it being all about the individual – “What's in it for me?”

But can we really do it alone?

And actually isn't it easy to get the support of others?

---

Men Don't Need To Do It Alone

Recently I ran an online workshop for men. I shared some teachings and practices on the topic of How To Still The Mind in Stressful Situations.

And it was really lovely to see men come together from all other the world to support each other – from Mexico to Austria, from Somerset to Kent.

I see more and more that although we feel like we should be able to do it on our own, the reality is that we don't need to do.

By asking for help we enable others the chance to step forward and give of their gift.

By supporting others we really fill our hearts up in the very act of service.

And yes this applies to women too, but I see that women are generally pretty good at asking for help and supporting each other.

Men often struggle to show up, to admit there is a problem and to ask for help.

---

And while doing the work is sometimes challenging – we don't have to do it alone.

In April and September 2019 I ran 2 men's retreats in the woods.

On these weekends we work together as men.

We support each other to move through blocks – mentally, emotionally, spiritually and relationally.

We support the group to create fire, cook food and tend to the camp.

We listen as other men share their journeys and give our presence.

We don't do it alone.

---

So if you are a man and you are doing it alone realize that you don't need to. Find a men's group, find a therapist or coach, find a group of benevolent men to join – there are many out there – from the Mankind Project to Nobleman, from MenFest to retreats.

As always please feel free to comment below.

Many blessings,

Piers x

Men's Retreat September 2019

Fri, 11 Oct 2019 12:02:48 GMT

Men's Woodland Retreat September 2019

Today I will be sharing about the men's retreat which has just passed.

10 days ago saw 5 men gather in the woods to share, to learn new things and to challenge themselves.

The theme of the weekend was the Warrior archetype.

We had men from all walks of life.

Some men had done many years of men's work.

Some it was the first time.

We were challenged - the weather was very wet. And the morning dip in the river had to navigated safely due to the high water levels.

And yet what was so beautiful to see was men stepping up.

I saw men stepping out of their comfort zones and challenging themselves.

I saw men growing and maturing. I saw men stepping into leadership roles and embodying the King archetype.

And I saw men step into their Warrior and face that which they feared.

Thank you to all the men who turned up.

Brave souls who saw the weather forecast and still came.

And thank you to our partners who supported us in doing this work.

The next woodland retreat will be in April 2020.

I will look at doing an event in December if I am able to find a suitable indoor venue. We will explore the Lover Archetype.

Love and blessings,

Piers

How Do You Know When It Is Time To End a Relationship?

Fri, 11 Oct 2019 11:46:26 GMT

How do you know when it is time to end a relationship? How do you know when it is time to move on? What are the 3 levels of relationships?

On one level this is an exceptionally deep and at the same time challenging question to ask yourself. It is a profound question because if you decide to do the inner reflection, it helps you to gain clarity, “What is it that I want from relationships?” It is really important to know what you want from your relationship and yet most people do not ask this question and therefore do not know the answer.

So my invitation to you if you are thinking of ending your relationship, and splitting up is to really ask yourself that question, “What do I want in my relationship?” Do you want a surface level, physical relationship or something deeper, more profound and life changing? What are the level of relationships?

THE LEVELS OF RELATIONSHIPS

To understand this better I will explain the 3 main levels of love and connection in relationships.

1. Evolutionary Love

The first is evolutionary love. This level is when we first meet our partner. The honey moon period. Oxytocin, dopamine… it feels great…

2. Buddy Love

The second level is called buddy love. This is when the chemicals of attraction have started to wear off and we connect on more of a friendship level. This generally starts to happen 3–6 months after you first meet. For many this is a challenging time. Now, we see the real person and see their shadows as well as their shining.

3. Deep Love

The third level is deep love. This is when you start to see beyond the outer shell of external beauty and start to see deeply into your partner. You love them for all that they are rather than what they look like or the external trappings of life.

If you are at the point of wanting to end your relationship I would guess that you are between stages. Maybe the 3–6 months of evolutionary love has come to an end and the attraction has gone, or maybe you have become friends but you want that sexual connection/ spark back again. And so you start to look elsewhere…

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

So the question what do you want from a relationship is so important to know before you start to think about ending a relationship.

If you want depth, and to experience deep love then it takes commitment on both your parts. And it is not an easy journey, which is why so few take that route. But it is an amazing, heart-opening and soul expanding route, and one that I have been on myself for 10 years since my celibate days.

If you are a man in relationship then a woman really needs to know that she can trust you before she opens fully to deep love. If she feels that you are not sure, she will feel that and therefore she will not be able to go deep.

If you decide that you want deep love then fully commit to giving your all to your partner.

If you decide that you don’t want that - you are quite happy with physical attraction only, then give your all to that. Remember that relationships are challenging but they are an amazing way to grow.

Briefly, there are many ways to mend and heal the cracks on your Grail cup. It is a process and can take time.

The ways that I have healed some of my cracks and am still working on these core patterns is through Jungian analysis, therapy, healing, EFT, Matrix Reimprinting , mindfulness and Buddhist practice.

I have always found it much easier to change with the help of someone else. Please reach out if you would like support to change.

WHEN IS IT TIME TO END A RELATIONSHIP?

Once you know what you want, whether it is a deep relationship or a surface level relationship then you can make your decision.

If you decide you want depth, and heart-opening growth then know that it takes time, effort, patience and a willingness to give of your all - your presence, your love, your joy…

The chances are that you have only just begun on your journey if this is what you want…

If you decide that you are not ready for that, you’ve not got to that stage or you are unwilling to do the work required to have that depth then maybe it is time to move on (neither is right or wrong).

But know that you will have the same thing appear in the next relationship and the next, until you decide, “Yes, I want depth and I am prepared to do the work required.”

Sometimes it is right to leave, and truthfully, your heart knows the answer to that too. Follow your heart and you will be guided to the right place.

What are your Core Patterns & Beliefs?

Wed, 04 Sep 2019 10:39:46 GMT

What are your core patterns and beliefs in life? What are the ways of being that stop you from truly living your life to its fullest? And what are your gifts that help you to shine?

Most of us live our lives through our unconscious patterns. It is said that 95% of our thoughts are the same as we thought the day before. Therefore from one day to the next if we are not aware we will keep running the same patterns as we have from the day before, from the week before and so on.

And yet it doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be fate that we keep running the same old patterns. It is possible to change. It does take work and support and yet change is not as difficult as we would have ourselves believe.

The truth is that for most of us we have no idea what our core patterns are – both negative and positive. Often times when something is pointed out to us in the positive we push it away – I was certainly like that (or we immediately return the compliment rather than receiving it). Or if something negative is pointed out we retreat, we get angry, or we blame the other person.

And yet when you find out your core patterns – you then can bring mindfulness, awareness and presence to this pattern. Say, for example, you get stressed driving. Instead of reacting you can start to work on this – do some breathing techniques before you set off/ find out what is beneath the stress about driving so that it no longer becomes a problem.

Although it is not always pleasant to hear, I much prefer that someone points out where I am stuck so that I can bring mindfulness, awareness and the reflection – I need to do work here. And as I said above 95% of our thoughts are the same as the day before so it would make sense that if we are not careful then we can potentially start to run our old patterns without noticing it.

Once you find out what your core patterns you then have some gold. Really, you have found your gold. Working with this gold will help you to grow as a person. For the positive patterns – you can reflect on them and constantly remind yourself of your good qualities. And for your negative patterns you can bring more consciousness to them so they stop running you and you start to run them.

I recently heard a quote from a Tibetan monk who said something along the lines of how he preferred to receive criticism than praise. He said that the wise teachers saw criticism as gold dust because here was an opportunity to see something that they weren’t aware of, that they couldn’t see in themselves. Here was an opportunity to grow.

So how do you find out what your core patterns are?

3 WAYS TO FIND YOUR CORE PATTERNS

1. Ask A Friend

Okay, so this is not Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, but on the other hand you are searching for your gold.

So the first way of finding out what your core patterns are is by asking a close friend or your partner.

I would suggest that you ask them what 2-3 of your core patterns are (both positive and negative). And then write them down.

It is important that you don’t take it personally. If you get offended then know that they are offering you gold – it might not feel like that to you, so give space to the feeling and know that you are on the cusp of great change and growth. It is also important that you are in a centred and balanced space when you ask this question and know that you have support in the form of a coach or a therapist or a men’s or women’s group.

It is not recommended that you ask your family. We often pick up patterns and habits from our family. Therefore the chances are that they will not see clearly what patterns you are running because they might well have the same ones as you…

2. Look At Your Life

The second way of working out your core patterns is to be honest and truthful about your life. What is your life like in the core areas – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually and relationally? You might think that this is obvious and yet most of us will deny we have an issue even though everyone else can see it.

Again know that everyone has patterns and we will always be working on patterns and beliefs until we reach enlightenment. Therefore be gentle with yourself. Come at it from the perspective of the Buddhist monk above – see it as gold dust.

And look at both sides – positive and negative. Look at all areas – are you excelling in certain places – well celebrate that. And if you are not doing so well in other areas, celebrate that too – here is an opportunity to grow.

3. Watch What Arises In The Difficult Times

When life is good and everything is flowing smoothly it can feel that we never have problems and that we are sorted.

But when things turn south and life is not flowing so smoothly how do you react? What behaviours come to the surface? Do you snap at people, do you get worried about money, do you start to binge eat or your addictions surface?

Again do some reflection – what do I still struggle with when the shit hits the fan so to speak? When I’ve not slept, the children are sick or work is not going well how do I respond?

Robert Moore, who is the author of King, Magician, Warrior, Lover, spoke in one of his talks about our inner life being like the Grail cup. He said that as we grow up we are sculpting this cup. And we need benevolent men and women to help us with this. And yet most of us don’t have this so cracks are formed in this cup.

Robert goes on to say that when we are tired, sick and life is not going well, this is when the cracks start to show up in our lives. If you want to find out your shadow, that which is hidden, then he says you will find this when your life is not going your way.

Your work now is to remember how do you respond? What behaviors do you present? These again are your gold. When you work through them now, you start to mend these cracks so that the next time you are struggling the cracks no longer appear.

HOW TO HEAL THE CRACKS?

Briefly, there are many ways to mend and heal the cracks on your Grail cup. It is a process and can take time.

The ways that I have healed some of my cracks and am still working on these core patterns is through Jungian analysis, therapy, healing, EFT, Matrix Reimprinting , mindfulness and Buddhist practice.

I have always found it much easier to change with the help of someone else. Please reach out if you would like support to change.

Spiritual Development – It’s Not What You Do… But How You Do It.

Sun, 01 Sep 2019 10:12:48 GMT

What can you do to develop spiritually ?

Sometimes in life we can feel like we are doing the wrong thing or with the wrong person. The work that we are doing is not good enough or the person that we are in relationship with is not who we aspire to be with. Today I am going to be talking about spiritual development with men (and women) and in particular how it is not about what you do so much as how you do it.

It can be easy to look at Facebook, and at the media in general and somewhat feel discontented with our lot. It can seem that everyone else is doing better than us. The adverts on social media tell us that we need to be earning 6 figures while sat on a beach. And yet as we look at our surroundings that is not our reality. The pictures show happy, beautiful couples and yet we don’t feel happy in our relationships.

So what is the solution? What can we do when we are in a job, or any life situation that is not pleasing to us? What can you do to develop spiritually in this instance?

1. Where Are Your Projecting Your Unconscious Onto Others?

Firstly, it is good for you to see where you are projecting your unconscious onto others or onto what you are doing. So what does that mean? It means that so often people are grumpy in their present jobs or relationships and yet when they get a new job or partner, within a short space of time they are just as grumpy in that. It is not so much the job or life situation but the person that is carrying the grumpiness.

I remember a story from the Thai Forest tradition in the early days with Ajahn Chah. There was an English monk who came to visit Wat Pah Pong, the monastery where Ajahn Chah was training Western disciples. This monk started telling Ajahn Chah of all the great monasteries that he had stayed in in Asia, and then went on to talk about all their faults.

And within a few weeks this Western monk started to criticize and complain about Ajahn Chah and how badly he was running his own monastery. Ajahn Chah in response gave a teaching to say that sometimes people carry poo around in their bags. They move from one monastery to the next, and everywhere they go they start to smell poo. So they leave saying that the monastery smells of poo. They continue to move from place to place complaining of the same thing. But the reality is that they are the ones carrying the poo. Not the monastery.

So the work is to clean out the poo, to do the inner work so that you stop carrying your poo from place to place.

So notice in your own life where are you saying, “It smells!” when in fact it is you carrying the poo. If you find you are annoyed by the same type of person – angry, messy, rude, aggressive etc, know that this is probably a trait you have, “your poo”, that you do not see.

If this is you (it is most of us) then consciously choose to become aware of when you are starting to complain or project your habits and behaviors onto others. And restrain yourself.

2. Be Grateful For What You Do Have

So most of us have amazing lives, and yet we have trained ourselves not to notice this. It might be your job, your relationship, your life that you feel sucks. But does it really? What can you notice and focus upon within your job, or your relationship that is great?

The truth is that we have been trained to notice what is not working, but once you start to look at your life and your challenges you will see that there are many things to be grateful for.

Most of us say, “Oh, I’ll be grateful when I move jobs. Or I’ll be grateful when I change relationships.” And yet it doesn’t work like this. If you have trained yourself to focus on what is not working now, you will find more of what is not working in the next job, relationship, life experience and so on.

So your work is now. Focus on the great now. Change how you are feeling about your job now. Change how you feel about your partner now. And you do that by focusing on the good that is hidden. Take some time to find it and it will appear like gold. And suddenly you will start to see gold everywhere. This is spiritual development – finding the good in all.

3. It’s Not What You Do But How You Do It

Once you have really opened to gratitude and you have taken full responsibility for your life and stopped projecting it onto others, then the magic happens. You start to see that it is not so much what you are doing – for you can find the good in all things – but how you are doing it. It is not so much who you are with but how you are with them.

You start to be in relationship with kindness and with love. You start to work in your job with enthusiasm and compassion. You start to treat others like brothers and sisters with real presence and gratitude. And as you do your life flourishes and so does everyone you come into contact with.

Your life becomes a blessing and it no longer matters if you have the worst job in others eyes – you will embrace and love it. It will no longer matter if your husband or your wife is lazy you will adore them.

You will become the change that you have been looking for. And you will inspire those around you, and maybe they will change, but you know now that your job is you.

The Piers Cross Blog

Leadership, Eldership, and the Trauma Beneath Our Institutions — Zena Me | AEM #93

Leadership, Eldership, and the

Trauma Beneath Our Institutions

AEM Podcast #93 with Zena Me

Leadership roles vs the human being

Boarding school, attachment, and institutional loyalty

Emotional intelligence: talked about, but rarely embodied

Organisational trauma and ungrieved loss

Why punishment doesn’t heal systems

The missing piece: Eldership

From leadership to eldership

A closing reflection

Boarding School Abuse, Fear & Silence — Charles Spencer on A Very Private School | AEM #92 Charles Spencer

Boarding School Abuse, Fear & Silence —

Charles Spencer on A Very Private School

AEM Podcast #92 with Charles Spencer

“Someone had to write this — and it had to be you”

The illusion of protection

“Fear” — or “Rage”

Separation as amputation

Corporal punishment as ritualised cruelty

Bullying as an extension of abuse

Sexual abuse — and profound confusion

Long-term consequences

“Children cannot consent to boarding”

Telling the truth is not bravery

Why this conversation matters

Listen to the full episode

Recommended reading

Final reflection

Boarding School Trauma, Safeguarding Failures & Emotional Survival — A Paediatrician’s Perspective | AEM #91 Dr William Verling

Boarding School Trauma Explained by a Paediatrician | Safeguarding, Shame & Survival

AEM Podcast #91 with Dr William Verling

“We were just children”

Pastoral care vs safeguarding — and why the difference matters

Hunger, cold, fear — and living in constant vigilance

When trauma becomes unspeakable

“You don’t speak up”

Impostor syndrome & reinvention

Emotional shutdown as a “skill”

Horcruxes, splitting, and surviving at a cost

A paediatrician’s reflection

Why this conversation matters

Listen to the full episode

Resources & links

Final reflection

The Mother Wound, Boarding School Syndrome & Skyfall: What James Bond Reveals About Attachment |AEM #90 Dr Mark Stibbe

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What James Bond Reveals About Attachment

AEM Podcast #90 with Dr Mark Stibbe PhD

What is the “mother wound”?

Secure vs insecure attachment

Secure attachment can create:

Insecure attachment can form in different ways

Boarding school as a second orphaning

What Skyfall gets right about the British psyche

Common “mother wound” patterns in adult life

Healing the mother wound

1) Understanding changes everything

2) Forgiveness is powerful — but not performative

3) Healing must involve the emotional brain

A final reflection

Listen to the episode

Recommended links / resources

Call to action

“Goodbye Uncle Fudgy”: The Comedy Show Exposing Boarding School Damage (AEM #89)

Boarding School Trauma, Comedy,

and the Mask of “Banter” —

﻿ What Tom Greaves’ Story Reveals

The “Winning” Humour vs the Truth-Telling Humour

The Hidden Training: How Boarding School Shapes a Nervous System

When the Past Catches Up: “Midlife” and the Return of the Child

Healing Isn’t a Performance — But Performance Can Open the Door

Why This Conversation Matters (Even If You Didn’t Board)

Watch / Listen to the Full Episode

Girls & Boarding School Trauma: Neglect, Attachment & “Almost Boys” (Episode 88)

Girls & Boarding School Trauma:

Neglect, Attachment & “Almost Boys”

Morag Edwards (Episode 88) AEM #88

What Tom Greaves’ Story Reveals